I’ve been in an on-and-off relationship with a man for a couple of years. We’ve had a deep emotional and physical bond, though it’s not always been stable. A big reason for this is that he’s inconsistent and emotionally avoidant or seems to be, I have absolutely twisted myself up in knots trying to make it work and to understand him .
We describe things as monogamous and that we love each other although currently it feels dead and empty and I’m incredibly lonely dealing with huge things alone and no input of any use from him.
it breaks my heart .
About a year into our relationship, he met a woman , let’s call her Sophie , at a festival. She’s since become a mutual friend.
Here’s the thing: they each told me a very different story about how they met. His version was vague and pretty innocuous although felt disconcertingly vague which is a pattern of his, more always comes out later.
Her version was very recent.
we’d both been drinking, her much more than me, her version was more effusive, how he’d looked after her all day,’was so lovely’, been kind and thoughtful, really made an impression.
At the time I just let it pass, as she enthused and rhapsodised about him but in hindsight it left a little crack of doubt.
Since then, they’ve become increasingly close.
its often her who will let slip they have been chatting online about this and that, he will frame it as she is trying to get him to do x, y and z activity and he is being pulled into it almost against his will but it’s clear he’s also loving the feeling of her wanting h is presence.
I’ve tried to take it in stride , I even grew very friendly with Sophie myself because she has got an amazing personality, is kind, fun, funny and I believed honest and transparent .
But there have been moments where the dynamic between them has felt uncomfortably intimate , not necessarily sexual, but somehow sidelining.
They chat often, she’s been in the loop on things he’s not mentioned to me, and I’ve started to feel like the last to know. Recent example being that she told me they were both messaging privately about a gig they both want to go to in another city, neither had mentioned it to me, she told me in the context of him telling her some news about me ‘we just got chatting’ and this was very close to me having broken down and told her some things about our relationship on a night where she’d been sharing her woes with me about her on/ off partner.
What really hit me this week: he messaged inviting me to a music night I’d already marked on socials as “interested” in months ago.
he rarely invited me to anything and we’re not particularly close at the moment so it was a surprise . I have a lot on so I said I might not make it but no doubt Sophie will be going and he just ‘heart reacted’ my message then changed the subject…
Then a bit later, the same night, Sophie messaged about the same eve, not directly inviting me, but telling me she’s been discussing who to invite with my on/off partner and I said that’s a funny coincidence, my (on/off )partner invited me out of the blue tonight and she responded ‘I know he did!’
said she and he had been talking about inviting me and another friend and ended our messages in a kind of “you’re coming with us” tone.
i haven’t responded to her yet but i feel pissed off.
It felt less like a genuine, spontaneous invite and more like I was being folded into something already set. He also completely glossed over the part where I mentioned she’d likely be going, so he’s got company if I don’t go - she messaged an hour later and told me clearly he’d known she’d be going all along .
It felt weird. I felt weird.
i have also noticed this has happened before but I didn’t read as much into it last time
To add to the unease: Sophie has a pattern. I’ve seen her ask out nearly every man she becomes close to.
I’ve watched her copy-paste invites to multiple people until someone bites. She’s charismatic and friendly, yes, but also intense, persuasive, and has very fixed attachments.
my in /off partner doesn’t seem to grasp that she’s inviting everyone and talks about her invites very much as though she’s only focusing on him.
there has been some weird evasive omitting of information by him more than once, often things that had he been upfront initially they would not become as significant later on…
And while she and I have been close, I now feel a bit exposed , I’ve shared a lot with her about my ups and downs with my partner, and I don’t feel confident she’s holding those things with care.
he’s never once mentioned this pattern of hers , even though he seems to know her well now.
has also shown herself to be extremely jealous and possessive of her own ‘partner’ and has told me more than once about women friends who are jealous of her ‘friendship’ with their partners, she frames it very much as a ‘them problem’ for being paranoid and jealous.
It just all doesn’t sit right. Am I being paranoid for thinking something’s off?
I’m neurodivergent (autistic and ADHD) and can struggle to filter what’s “just” social weirdness vs. genuine red flags. I try not to catastrophise, but I also know I often overlook things too long when I’m trying to give the benefit of the doubt.
Would this bother you? Would you say something or step back? Is this just awkward social energy or something deeper?
How would you handle it from here?