Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

Im.so sorry. I also think he is lying about having no intention of pursuing men in the future. Otherwise why on earth would he even say anything.

Ring in sick tomorrow, ypu are t going to be able to work when this has just been dropped on you.

You’re going to be very strong to get through the next few months. If your youngest is 18 I’m guessing they’ve just finished their A levels and are about to go off to uni, so your DH has decided to ‘live his authentic life’. I also had a husband who ‘came out’. It turns out he was already seeing men (prolifically) and had a whole life I knew nothing about.

Check his phone for apps like Grindr and his pockets/back of cupboards/drawers for things like condoms to be sure he isn’t compromising your sexual health. He may be faithful to you, but I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg and there will be a lot more to unravel.

Why does he feel the need to tell everyone? I don't get this current trend of announcing your sexuality/identity - nobody other than those closest care, and even then whats the point? I would be suspicious on his commenting he doesn't intend to act, there's a reason he's told you and I think its because next will come the hunting. IME, guys can hook up quickly and this is exactly what he intends to do. I can just imagine how this would come out in some of my friendship groups - it would be completely unnecessary and awkward. Its not the bi part, but the need to broadcast it.

I agree with the first reply. He wouldn’t need to tell everyone if he only planned on being with you.

If it helps, I'm bisexual and have never strayed from my husband once in over a decade and have no intention of doing so. Bisexual =/= more likely to cheat.

Some people figure shit like this out about themselves much later in life. It's uncomfortable and weird and I get why you're feeling a type of way about it. He's feeling excited about his new identity, you're feeling blindsided by having this whole huge part of your husband you didn't know about. It's huge, your feelings are valid, it's ok to worry about what the future looks like.

I'm sorry he's pulled the rug out from under you like this. I hope he's the honest sort who just genuinely hadn't realised this about himself and didn't want to lie to you, rather than the sort that Mumsnet will leap to calling him who will be on Grindr within hours.

What does he say, why does he have to tell the kids for gods sake if he’s planning to stay faithful? Boggles the mind.

Another agreement from me. I'm very sorry, no wonder you're devastated! In your shoes, I'd also be very angry that he's kept this from you until the kids left home: largely because it's doubtful that he hasn't been exploring his other side behind your back.

What reason has he given you for this apparently sudden decision to broadcast his sexual orientation to all and sundry?

So sorry, OP.
Sounds like he wants to be able to live freely and fully, so he is telling everyone.
I think he wants to openly explore his real self.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Can you not go in to work today? This is big and you are unlikely to be in your best work head space.

@JudgeBread but did your husband know before you were married?

Slight difference to @Uberella's situation?

He definitely wants to go elsewhere if he’s telling you. Otherwise he’d keep his gob shut.

His being bi-sexual is neither here nor there. Lots of bi people fall in love/marry and never ever cheat.
His big announcement is weird & the real worry
if he had no intention of straying- why tell the kids? Telling you I understand, you’re his partner and it’s his sense of self .
but if you’re not planning on doing anything about it, nothing needs said.

Our youngest is 16;I think he told my DD’s as they both Lesbians.

I have no issue with anyone who isn’t straight but in my husbands case I feel that I’ve had the choice of who I married taken away from me;I’m a straight woman who wanted to be married to a straight man.

I wouldn’t have even dated him if he’d told me he was bisexual not because I’m homophobic but because it’s just not something that I feel comfortable with and I feel that’s valid.

Agree- he’s telling everyone to set the scene for dating men. Why the fuck else would anyone need to know? (They wouldn’t). I’d also be questioning what exactly has suddenly brought him to this conclusion, people often know their preferences well before now. I’d tell him you’re extremely suspicious and want answers NOW and if he has been faithful.

But their sexuality isn’t a reason for him who is married to a woman to suddenly announce to everyone including his friends he is attracted to men. Again, why does anyone need to know? I also wouldn’t date a bisexual man and am with you there OP. I don’t care who people date or marry but I don’t want to be in a relationship with a man that is attracted to or intimate with other men.

My first thought is why now? Like what was the catalyst to him coming out?

I agree with all who have said that it's strange that he feels the need to tell everyone about this. Most of us prefer not to think about our parents' sexual selves. It's just not comfortable or necessary. He isn't being at all considerate of how this may affect you. Instead it's all about him.

To be honest, I'd much rather not be told, if he's not planning on leaving to 'explore this new side of himself'. If he's not planning on acting on his attractions, why does it matter? Surely he's not telling you every time he's attracted to another woman, so why not keep this to himself, as well? It's too much information too late in the game, and I'd be simultaneously heartbroken and enraged at his selfishness. I'd also be very concerned that this won't be the end of it.

What absolute nonsense.

It's all about him, isn't it? How awful that he has not given you time to process it before he broadcasts it to your friends.

I’m sorry He has no thought or care for you or your DCS To blurt it out in this way is a tad dramatic especially for a married man
Why does he feel he needs to tell everyone?
Validation, sympathy or attention
Once you get over the shock, please do confide in your trusted friends and family as you will need support
I am sorry He’s put this on yours and your DCS now He’s ridiculous and I also would be suspicious he’s already cheating and has perhaps been seen by someone who knows you both

Where to start with this bollocks?

You don't know what is meant by "not being comfortable". The OP is under great stress. This phrase may or may not encompass homophobic attitudes.

She does not seek to control who her spouse has ever fancied.

Oh, and damn your weaselly "I'm afraid". It's up there with "sorry but". Own it.

I agree it's the announcement that's weird. He prospectively will never get chance to act on his bisexuality if he's true to his word, so it makes no sense to tell anyone.

@beachcitygirl biphobic?