Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

My partner is not bi x

Link to part two of this thread as it’s nearly full now

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5376089-need-a-handholddh-has-come-out-as-bisexual-part-two?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

I’d appreciate less of people’s debates on here and some actual bloody support.

But did he lie? Maybe he didn’t really know himself? Maybe he was repressing his feelings or living in denial? These things are fairly common, no?

Are you?

So, you think he told the children as soon as he recognised the feelings?

Then his wife?

im not sure that I would use that label as I’ve only ever really had proper relationships with men , but I’m not entirely “straight” either . But anyway this is the OP’s thread. She’s asked for support not arguments x

So initially I thought that was really really odd as well. Why would he tell his children? At all- let alone before his wife. But then OP said that their DD’s are gay and that she thinks that’s why he told them. Which makes sense. It sounds like maybe them coming out made him confront some feelings he hadn’t previously acknowledged of his own?, and that his desire to relate to and protect his children also inspired him to “come out”?

"unpack" here, though, means examining them under the light of some bogus ideology about what what the "correct" feelings "should" be. That is not how feelings work, or should work. If OP feels revolted by the idea of her DH fancying men, that is absolutely fine (I would feel the same way). Just as it would be fine if she didn't mind. The point is, it's not something to be cross-examined about. "Unpacking" it serves absolutely no purpose, and there is absolutely no correlation between homo/biphobia and not wanting to be married to a husband who is bi. There are some very bitter and twisted comments on this thread, fuelled I imagine by experiences of rejection. Grow up and accept that no one cares what your sexual preferences are, but you don't get to dictate anyone else's.

OP, I don't blame you for not coming back to such a unhelpful shitshow. I hope you're taking no notice of the ridiculous posturing on here and can see that no one else buys into that bollox.

unpack" here, though, means examining them under the light of some bogus ideology about what what the "correct" feelings "should" be.

No it doesn’t. I was wondering if maybe she was so upset partly because she was assuming as a bi man he would be promiscuous, cheat etc. that he wouldn’t desire her. Maybe some shame involved with the idea he’ll tell others and what they will think etc.

Well, maybe, but for some women it's enough to know where he fancies putting his dick (or... you know, maybe the other way round). It doesn't need "unpacking"!

Getting back to you for a minute (!), though, OP, I hope this thread hasn't made you anxious about how your DC might judge you if you find this a deal-breaker. Hopefully they have more common sense, maturity and compassion than that.

Setting aside "deal-breaking" defined as marrying someone straight who turns out not to be, we are the only ones who can set our own boundaries. No one else gets to dictate what those are or insist that we nudge them in a different direction. Everyone has a different "deal" and it's no one else's business what it is.

What about the fact that Robert De Niro, a white man, only ever seems to have relationships with women of colour? I don’t recall anyone telling him they have a problem with that.

Or Rod Stewart and his penchant for blonde women.

Fact is people like what they like and it’s still none of your business.

I’m sorry for the way this thread went, and my part in it.

How are things going? Have you been able to have more conversations with your husband, and share your feelings about the shock?

However you end up feeling about him and what you want moving forward, I hope at least he has put the brakes on telling people and that he is trying to see this from your perspective.

@eminthebigsmoke

I’m still reeling from the news;there’s a lot of people on here who tell me it doesn’t change things between us because of his sexuality but it hurts knowing that he wasn’t honest with me and let me make my own informed decision there.

He says he hasn’t acted upon his preference and if he did he’d like me to be there for a threesome.I don’t know how to feel about that either.

The catalyst was me telling him our marriage was over due to his neglectful behaviour:I was fed up of being unheard/unseen by him and being made to feel little more than a bangmaid.Also between 2018-2020 he had a long emotional affair with his female friend who he use to work with.

He’s apparently committed to improving himself;getting counselling (which is booked);seeing a doctor about his poor mental health (he’s already been to see the GP) and sorting out his scruffy uncared for appearance (he’s cleared out his scruffy clothes and brought a few newer things).He’s also told his dad and close friends about his shitty behaviour and the affair to own up to his behaviour.

It’s all a start;he says he’s committed to continuing his quest for self improvement but I’ve made it very clear that any changes he makes have to be for him and because he wants to not for me.

I’m considering some counselling for me to work out my own feelings and perhaps a couple of sessions with a relationship counsellor at some point for us both.

A threesome? You and two blokes I presume! And even if it’s another woman (why if he’s just come out as bi?) oh dear OP time to end this marriage I’m afraid.

Absolutely this. Theres no way back its over. Sorry OP. Its embarrassing for poor OP and your DH just wants to announce from the roof tops. It must feel worse than an affair at least it's more hush hush. Is your DH always this inconsiderate?

This. I can't think of anything more awkward for teens..
It's equivalent to going and telling them he's sexually attracted to tall blonde women, why on earth does he think they need to know his sexual preferences.

It is a lot to take in as I am too,definitely counselling for yourself! It's more than a shock to find this out and you need time and help to cope,these men are intent on threesomes!! Look after yourself,it will take time but hopefully you will get the support you need,I'm going down this route too x

OP I have a horrible feeling that his "commitment to continuing his quest for self improvement" roughly translates as "commitment to making life better for himself on new terms." Where you fit into that equation is rather unclear and I hope you don't compromise your own needs.

He’d like you to be there for a threesome. That’s big of him.

This seems like a train wreck of a marriage at the moment. I’m not sure what you are holding on to.

He says he hasn’t acted upon his preference and if he did he’d like me to be there for a threesome.

Oh, OK. Big flashing red flag now. Those aren't the words of someone planning to keep it in their pants IMHO.

For me, that threesome suggestion would be the final nail in the coffin.
How about you OP?

So sorry x

What is it with theessomes? These men ,mine wants them behind my back,it seems to be a thing now x

Him sprucing himself up with new clothes all of a sudden rings a few alarm bells...

He says he hasn’t acted upon his preference and if he did he’d like me to be there for a threesome.I don’t know how to feel about that either.

Oh, he's such a prince, isn't he!!

I know how I'd feel about that and my feelings would come right out of my mouth in a bellowing FUCK OFF.

The catalyst was me telling him our marriage was over due to his neglectful behaviour:I was fed up of being unheard/unseen by him and being made to feel little more than a bangmaid.Also between 2018-2020 he had a long emotional affair with his female friend who he use to work with.

The evidence of his cunterrry mounts with every sentence.

He’s apparently committed to improving himself;getting counselling (which is booked);seeing a doctor about his poor mental health (he’s already been to see the GP) and sorting out his scruffy uncared for appearance (he’s cleared out his scruffy clothes and brought a few newer things).He’s also told his dad and close friends about his shitty behaviour and the affair to own up to his behaviour.

Excuses, excuses, excuses. Everyone feel sorry for poor DH and isn't he wonderful for working on himself??!!

Nope.

He was and is a cunt.

Do yourself a favour and get your ducks in a row, OP.

This is only going to get worse and you do not have to sacrifice your life to sit beside this fuckery with a pasted on grin just because you're a Mother.

YOUR LIFE COUNTS, TOO!