Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

I feel contempt for people who need to suddenly broadcast their sexuality like your h. Who cares? This utter self importance and self obsession. Nobody gives a shit.

I bet your dcs totally cringed when he told them.

And his friends will be like, "Oh. Why you telling me who you want to fuck? I am not interested."

He's definitely setting the scene, laying the groundwork so that when you find out he's been shagging other men, he can say all wide eyed and innocent, "But I TOLD you I am bisexual."

The fact he's told the DC makes me think there's more to this. Why would they need to know who their father is attracted to if he has never cheated and has no plans to leave you? I suspect he's either seeing someone else or planning to or planning to leave... otherwise I just cannot fathom why he would feel the need to tell them.

People who lie about their sexuality to trap someone into a marriage are the lowest of the low. When the person finds out the truth, they feel as though they’ve lived a lie their entire life.

I am sorry this is happening to you. Unfortunately, it seems as though he might actually be gay but has told you bi to soften the blow.

Whatever he plans to do now / has done, it's cruel beyond words that he is not giving you the time to process this before announcing it to everyone.

If it's just the fact that he's bi sexual and finds men attractive, so what? Bi is very different from being gay, it doesn't change the way he feels about you.
If he was straight he would still be attracted to other women, just not act on it. What's the difference?
The issue would be, for me, if he was considering acting on it. Do you trust him?

Maybe he didn't realise before. There has been and still is so much stigma around homosexuality/bisexuality (esp. In some circles), that it can take a long time to unpick social conditioning and realise who you really are. This doesn't mean how he approached this was right (ir that this realisation only comes from having an affair or even fancying anyone; bbc did a whole programme on women realising they were lesbian/bi from watching Gentleman Jack) but it also means he hasn't necessarily been lying deliberately to her all this time (any more than he's been lying to himself)

‘seems as though he might actually be gay but has told you bi to soften the blow.’

He’s probably still lying to himself a bit here too. He knows he’s gay but if telling himself and others he’s bisexual helps, he’ll do that for now.

Bi now gay later. With men.

The fact that his teenager daughters are gay is not a reason to tell them. Is he trying to be “down with the kids” or something? People’s sexuality is their business not sure why it has to be discussed with his children. I absolutely believe if it was going to be discussed within the family it should have been with you first.

The biphobia here is wild. Calling in sick to work for 48 hours?!

No, no, no - people are allowed to discriminate against who they are attracted to or want to marry, end of story. without being called bigots. Educate yourself. And don’t dare compare sexuality with race.

There are a lot of presumptions going on..

1 - that he betrayed her - this is only true if he knew all long, and hid it. Sometimes this is the case, but often bi/gay people lie to themselves, and don't really know it themselves until later in life. It could be that when he married her he was 100% convinced that he was straight.

2 - That it there is intention to do more. I think this is a valid fear, the trope of "man comes out as bi, then cheats/leaves wife for man" is a trope for a reason, it happens a fair bit. But it is not guaranteed, so unless he shows signs of it or bad actions, its unfair to condemn someone for an action they haven't taken yet.

3 - That he told her to prepare her for more. Maybe? Again, we don't know.. it could equally be that he just wanted to be honest about something he has just finally accepted about himself with his family/friends/wife who are closest to him.

I do agree that he should have told his wife first. I understand why he took that decision (given the reaction here) but it was a cowardly one nonetheless.

If I were OP, I would be on high-alert.. and if it is a deal-breaker, just act fast and decisively. But if not, then I would be keeping an eye out, to see if he does start to act on it. I wouldn't presume he would though, or act as if he already has, unless I had reason to.

It’s valid but it’s not the main issue. The main issue is that he has lied to you for decades. He pretended he was x when he was y. I also believe it’s highly likely that he is seeing men. There is more to this than meets the eye. I really hope you don’t go to work today. I’ve staggered needlessly into work at times like this and I don’t think it helps.

Do his friends go around saying they’ve got a crush on women they aren’t married to? I very much doubt it.

He is married. That means all options of dating other people are off the table so his sexuality is irrelevant. He’ll just make an idiot of himself if he thinks anyone else is remotely interested.

There are plenty of people that come out later in life for a range of completely valid reasons. It’s not our business why. How he feels and who he tells is his choice.

And if his wife marches straight to the first solicitors office then good luck to her. He is better off.

No offence but you are female. Men want to put their dicks in people whenever they can

Telling his children first looks like an attempt to build alliances and get support. Really poor form to put them in such an awful position.

Codswallop. Not wanting to date a bi person doesn’t make you homophobic and is nothing like not wanting to date a poc. A straight person has as much right to not date a bi person as a lesbian has to not date a man and a gay man not date a woman!

Sorry OP, he’s on the porn spiral.

That algorithm is difficult to resist.

If you lie about your sexuality to get married to someone and then come out later when you have adult children, you are a deceitful POS.

That is total bullshit.

Clearly you are very much in the same camp. I hope your wife knows, or you may be blowing your cover with your own posts.

Not sure I agree with you there , it's just a preference , like hair colour , or not wanting be be with someone who goes to the pub every night or who watches Rugby on the t.v. .
I couldn't be married to a smoker , that's a preference . My parents smoked and I wasn't prejudiced against them .

“On the porn spiral” is it like a helter-skelter

I can't believe your husband told your eldest two daughter's before you! You're his wife, the person he married, the person he says he loves - yet tells his daughter's first!! I appreciate your eldest daughter's are lesbian's, and perhaps he thought he'd be met with understanding, but you should have been told first as a priority. So is he planning on telling your 16 year old?? He loves you, has no plans to act on his feelings towards men and wants to stay married to you - so why does he needs to tell his friends/extended family etc that he's bisexual???? Why do other people need to know???? What difference does his sexuality make to others??? As far as the outside world is concerned nothing has changed. I doubt your husband woke up one morning and decided he is bisexual. He didn't suddenly start being attracted to men, that must have been there for many years, likely before you met/married. Yes, he may have been in denial, but he had at least some idea. He's lied, probably for a very long time, and you married him believing you were marrying a straight man, not a bisexual man. If he'd been honest from the start of your relationship, then that would be entirely different, but he wasn't.

Take the day off sick, take some time for yourself. I feel he is setting you up for something else unfortunately. I think he wants his cake and eat it.

I’n cringing for your poor DDs, who wants to have that convo with their dad, when he’s still married to their mum, supposedly happily.

The fact they are gay is irrelevant, is he trying to be ‘cool’.

If he has no intention of cheating on the OP then all this is irrelevant. Self absorbed dickhead.

Its like me saying to my DH .. “oh darling when I married you I loved tall skinny guys with glasses, I’m now very turned on by big muscular chaps, I thought you should be aware”.