Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

And writing 'dear lord' with a laughing emoji was totally not designed to derail OP's thread.

You know, women are allowed not to love anal sex, and they're allowed not to want to have any kind of sex with bi men, and theyr'e allowed to say no to men. It's totally 100% OK. You don't have to get so angry about it.

Honestly - I actually think your very dignified asking for advice here rather than attempting to bury your DH under the patio for what’s been an absolutely selfish and horrible thing to do to you
you have been blindsided and feel like you have been lied to for the past 20 years

and that’s because that’s exactly what happened and anyone who says you haven’t been lied to is a fucking asshole

your absolutely within your rights to not want to be in a relationship with a bi sexual man just as you would be for any other sexual preference that you have and don’t let anyone tell you anything else .

don’t be #bekind to anyone but yourself right now

Why are you trying to continue to provoke an argument that has long past?

Are you hoping to get some straight people to change their minds, is that a mission of yours?

But why can't we acknowledge this, and also be allowed to talk about / unpack how people's preferences/ attractions are influenced by social and cultural factors, including forms of prejudice?

Naval gaze all you like on a different thread, many of us are happy with our preferences and feel no further need to exhaustively examine them and then accuse ourselves of prejudice.

Nobody is shutting discussion down but some are trying to shut OP down and they can get to fuck.

She has every right to feel how she's feeling at the moment.

Why are you still posting in this thread when you've been so nasty to everyone who disagrees with you and haven't bothered to say a single kind word to OP?

I’ve already explained my intentions on this thread multiple times, there’s no need for you to continue to try to argue with me.

Dear lord 😂

She has a right to her feelings absolutely. It might be helpful to her to unpack them.

Sounds like code for 'she's the one who should do the work and accept whatever is thrown at her like a good little woman'.

She's been blindsided, here and now she's supposed to 'sit in her uncomfortable feelings and 'improve' herself'?!

Feck that.

Reframe her trauma, of course.

People’s preferences (as long as they are legal) are none of your business. No, we don’t need to unpack the whys and whereforths of people’s attractions because I expect you are only talking about why most straight women don’t want a bi husband, you’re not trying to unpack why gay men like men are you? It is not prejudice to have sexual preferences or do you think lesbians are prejudice against men not being attracted to them and gay men against women?

Tandora means that with the right counsellor, OP could be reasoned out of her sexual orientation and become a better person for it, ready to sleep with the right people to prove it.

I'm sure there used to be a term for that...

I don’t know why people get so angry about this, or why on earth they think it only applies to women.

I had an argument with my male friend the other day because he proudly declared he wasn’t attracted to black women. I suggested his expressed preference was informed by racism. I wasn’t trying to suggest he was required to sleep with a black woman. I’m not sure why people are struggling with this. Maybe because they don’t like to self reflect 🤷🏼‍♀️.
I also incidentally have little time for men who complain about their female partners getting fat. That doesn’t mean I think they are not entitled to sexual boundaries.

Back to the OP- this is her marriage and deeply personal - and she’s obviously struggling with this news . I was suggesting that some of her pain could be informed by common ideas about bisexual men that they are naturally promiscuous, liable to cheat and unmanly- reflecting on this might be helpful in relieving some of her anxiety and stress. That’s not to say OP is not absolutely entitled to leave her husband if she wants to because she no longer feels attracted to him. Of course she is, for any reason whatsoever.

There still is......Handmaiden

Well I meant the process itself. Attempting to reason someone into a different sexuality and out of their own, for purposes of moral virtue.

It's conversion therapy. And I hate it, but if I had to choose, I think I preferred it when people were just honest about it. Something about how it's now painted as progressive and liberal is particularly sickening.

he proudly declared he wasn't attracted to black women. I suggested his expressed preference was informed by racism.

You really have no idea, have you, with your patronising "suggestion"
You just don't get it...

It's NOT racist to not be attracted to black women.
It's NOT racist to not be attracted to white men.

Who in the fuck cares if it's commonly thought that bi men are a particular way??
She didn't KNOW she was married to a bisexual man!!!
Get it??

It's NOT important whether we are (or are not) attracted to:
Black
White
Yellow
Pink with purple dots
Disabled
Non disabled
Educated
Non educated
Foul mouthed
Well spoken
Rich
Poor
Pretty
Ugly
Handsome
Rugged
Gay.
Lesbian.
etc, etc, etc, etc, etc....

It's not a question of whether OP no longer feels attracted to him, it's if she can get over the scam and how?

The fact is:
OP believed she was married to a straight man and had a life with him and children.

The rug has been pulled from under her and she finds she's been living a lie.

She now needs a kindly hand hold while she's processing this absolute betrayal.
Not a fucking discussion on whether we should all accept different sexual orientations!!!

And the reason I know all this is because it happened to me. Except my ex of 16 wasted years was secretly gay and trans.

OP
You will get through this and if you could possibly afford it, have some counselling.
I did and my therapist said I was grieving for the loss of the husband I THOUGHT I had.

Also, be prepared OP that he could actually be gay and hiding it with the bi story.
It's a crying shame these two faced men (or women) can't be honest from the start, instead of wasting years of other peoples lives.
You do have something good out of it OP, your children. I had a son.

If this at all helps you at this early stage of this shock OP, I went on to meet a lovely straight man and had two more children at age 39!!

Keep strong and remember, others like myself have been through it too and came out the other side.
So sorry OP ❤

@Tandora you really need to stop calling people biphobic, racist etc.

@Tandora

Try and put yourself in OP's shoes.
Finding out the person you're with for years, you don't really know at all.

Now imagine the empathy, kindness and understanding you would appreciate from others whilst your brain is an absolute mash and you've no idea what the future holds.

Try thinking like that, you might get it?

You really have no idea, have you, with your patronising "suggestion"
You just don't get it...
It's NOT racist to not be attracted to black women.

oh really? So why is it that studies have shown that black women are ranked least attractive by every race? - That they are almost always less popular than white women on shows like love island etc, especially darker skinned black women? Of course these dynamics are a function of racism. This isn’t “patronising”, it’s the reality of the world we live in.

So now you've changed from some men not fancying black women to a whole new facet of discussion. No one is denying racism exists.

Still don't get it do you?

Given any thought to empathizing with OP after her massive shock?

I don’t accept I’ve been unkind. I’ve acknowledged OP is in distress and her feelings are valid.

Finding out the person you're with for years, you don't really know at all.

I don’t understand this though. How does someone being bisexual change who they are as a person?

I think I've read before that your partner is bi or both of you. Which means you are taking this personally. You will probably deny this though. We aren't all the same and you can't change people if they don't want to.

It means he has lied to his wife for a long time.
And then, when he did open up, told his children before his wife.

So he's a liar and a coward, hiding behind his children.