Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

So the 18 and 20 year old have been told

what about the 16 year old?

I’m so sorry, it does sound like he is drip feeding you half the truth, he’s met someone else. He thinks everyone will be so understanding because, he can’t help being bisexual, but it’s an excuse to move on.

He isn’t even trying to pretend he gives an hoot about your feelings, he's too busy playing the role of ‘having found himself’. Whilst you are feeling, your whole marriage was a lie, that he married you to appear heterosexual, because he was too scared to come out of the closet.

If I suddenly realised I was bisexual but had been suppressing it for years, I certainly wouldn’t be shouting it from the rooftops. The reason I’d keep it to myself is, my husband would feel threatened, he’d feel insecure in our relationship. What difference would it make? If I’m happily married? Nothing!!
It would make no difference because, I would not be looking for anyone else, male or female.
So the fact your H wants to announce it, to all and sundry, which will make you feel publicly humiliated, when you had no inkling, are feeling devastated, points to, he’s met someone else and believes being bisexual, cancels out his cheating.

Seems somewhat

“look at meeeeee”

to make a big declaration to friends. Is he planning a “reveal party”?!

Agree with PP, @beachcitygirl is unhinged

My DH is bi, absolutely not a problem for me but he did make me aware of this from day 1.

It does not make somebody homophobic to have a preference for straight people.

it does not make somebody racist to date within their own race / culture if that is their sexual preference.

Or like others said. Don’t like fat people? Are you fat-phobic? No. Ridiculous argument

Physical attraction cannot be controlled, we like who we like

Your insecurity is showing, Beach

“Confessed”? Your language is telling. A confession assumes there is some kind of wrongdoing. Again, zero evidence of that here.

Your dh has known for a very long time. He didn’t just have an epiphany one day last week, he has been biding his time and choosing his moment. Your dc have just finished their exams, they have time to process it over the summer at home in privacy. This is very pre planned.

I can understand why he would want to talk you about his sexuality, but telling his dc and now friends means to me at least, he wants everyone to know so that no one is surprised when he becomes his ‘true self’ - there is no need for anyone to know op. It’s a private matter, especially if he intends to remain faithful.

You need to prepare yourself for more to come op.

You need to be tested for STIs just in case at the earliest opportunity.

He is not the man you married, of course you are devastated. Your relationship and marriage may feel like a sham. His integrity and honesty questionable to say the very least. It might feel like everything was a lie. He has been living with this secret from you, and did not tell you. No wonder you are so blindsided. It’s enormous.

He needs to stop telling people, and at least give you some time and space to process his bombshell. I can’t believe he told your dc first.

Of course you don’t want to be married to someone that is bisexual. I wouldn’t either. I would also question if they wanted to remain with me, if I was enough. You have every right to choose who you spend your life with.

I am so sorry op. I would call a counsellor in the morning, and bike an emergency appointment. You need immediate support.

Absolute bollocks.

Are you very young? You have very little empathy.

op is perfectly reasonable to have preferences about her own husbands sexuality, and boundaries.

I can't understand why he's bothered to announce it and do so in the order he has. What's the reason?
I am 47 and bisexual yet none of my family are aware simply because I haven't been in a relationship with a woman since my late teens and have never had cause to announce it.

My exhusband didn't know & neither does my current partner of 5 years for the simple reason that as I am in a relationship with them why would I need to tell them which other people I am attracted to.
I don't openly announce who I find attractive because I am in a relationship so it serves zero purpose other than upsetting my partner. It would be like him telling me which women he is attracted to.....its pointless.

It feels like he is setting you all up for some big reveal. I am sorry he is treating you this way OP.

I agree that OP deserves and would benefit from support. But the idea that all bi people are less faithful than straight people is just not true - and hurtful.

We don't know what's going on here and assuming we do could cause the OP to throw away her marriage. The uncertainty and pain may be hard to 'sit with,' but that's exactly what counsellors are trained to help you do.

Sending you un Mumsnetty hugs OP - you must be so scared and hurt and angry to have just found this out now. Please know that there are bi people who are great spouses and parents - including many Mumsnetters. This doesn't automatically mean The End.

The word confession is being used because he has lied about who he is. He has lived a lie, and forced op to live a lie for years. He is now swanning around telling everyone before op has even grasped what this means to her. She needs time to think how she will handle it, if she wants to stay and ultimately if she can ever trust him again. I would say that’s an issue, yes absolutely.

The wrong doing is the dishonesty.

Don’t go into work. This is a lot for you to process. Why on earth is he moving so quickly with sharing this. I’d be gutted too. You’ll be ok once things settle and you have a plan. You’re in shock. Have you got a close friend to speak to?x

I’m guessing that, by telling your eldest DD’s, he thought they would support him, understand as they are lesbians! That is so disrespectful to you and them, did he expect a slap on the back from them? They haven’t been living a lie and will be devastated too, once he reveals he has someone else or wants to leave, so he can explore being bisexual. They may understand later on when the dust settles but right now, he’s detonated a bomb in their parent’s marriage. Their mum is in bits and they are going to react as hurt and devastated, no matter their sexual orientation.

God the biphobia on this thread is something else. He’s said he’s happy with you. Maybe he just wanted to share something about himself because you’re his wife and he loves you? Bisexual doesn’t equal going to cheat.

I find this really weird. If you were married and suddenly decided you fancied redheads, would you announce it to everyone? No, because you’re married therefore have no intention of ever sleeping with anyone else… I’m really sorry but this is not going to end well…

Why tell his friends then???

It is that part that is the main issue. There is no need for anyone to know if things are to remain exactly the same.

There is more to come. It is obvious.

So by your definition, anyone who wouldn’t choose to date someone who is of a different sexual orientation to them is homophobic? Because that would include gay men who wouldn’t date straight men, or straight women who wouldn’t date gay men.

So he should keep his mouth shut (why tell anyone if you don’t intend to act on it?) but then he is labelled a liar if he keeps a secret? Can’t win can he.

I had a bi ex. He was on hook up sights every time my back was turned. And it’s soooo easy for them to be. Bisexual men are also well known to become more gay leaning with age.

i 100% agree with others saying he’s told you to lay the ground as more will start emerging over time. Anyone who says otherwise hasn’t encountered this

Quite

Bit of misunderstanding / lack of comprehension here I think..

What purpose does announcing it serve?
Would it be ok if he announced he was attracted to women who are only a size 8 when the OP is a size 12 for example?

Its not the fact he is bisexual that's the issue it's the sudden announcement greater 20 plus years and the order of which he announced it. If he doesn't want it to change a single thing then why bother saying it in the first place?

Ok - I used the wrong word. But why hadn't he discussed this before then? If OP didn't know, then he had either kept it a secret or deliberately hidden it from her. Why did he feel the need to suddenly be open about it now?

Attention seeking bullshit, leave him to his midlife crisis

Stop twisting this.

The moment to tell his wife was BEFORE they were married, so she could decide for herself that this was something she was comfortable with.

Failing that, the moment he felt more sure that he is bisexual was the moment to share with his wife quietly and privately, with no one else involved. For them to discuss it in depth, go to couples counselling and decide together a way forward or not. With no else in the picture.

The ‘big reveal’ to the children before even telling op is devastating and a betrayal. To then compound this by sharing it with everyone else is unforgivable. There is no need for other people outside of their marriage to even know. His sexuality is no one’s business.

Oh here we go @beachcitygirl.

I would never date a bi man why because it’s hard enough competing with other women now I got to compete with men.- slight tongue in cheek there.
Don’t make a women whose been lied to and dealing with a massive emotional, psychological explosion and accuse her of homophobia because she would never have married someone if he was bi.

Utter BS and don’t you dare equate sexuality with race.

A black man is judged the moment he steps out his door specifically for the colour of his skin and race.

Gay and Bi men/ women can and do keep their sexuality to themselves unless what you’re saying is Bi and Gay men and Women have a look/ a set image/ a specific code….mmmmm sure you’re not being homophobic.
oh look that man must be gay because he walks a certain way, acts a certain way. Are we back in the 1980’s at school 🧐

Uberella’s feelings and reaction are valid and right now she needs support and understanding.

It’s a monumental betrayal and her whole world has been turned upside down. I am so sorry Uberella.