Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

Exactly

A different approach for you all -

If your son came out to you later in life, would you call him a liar for “hiding” it from you? Accuse him of cheating on a spouse with no evidence? Would you disown him because he’s not who you thought he was?

Choosing a sexual partner based on your own sexual orientation is not homophobic or biphobic.

She is heterosexual, she thought she married a heterosexual man, not a bisexual one.

This is absolutely grounds for divorce.

This whole “I’m so brave for coming out after being married for 30 years and having 16 kids” is really wearing thin for me.

He must be or have been attracted recently to a guy, otherwise how would he know and why suddenly announce this.

I am so sorry OP, you must look out for yourself now. I hope your daughters can process this somehow. I hope you have family and friends who you can reach out to.

Op is going to be expected to champion his ‘authenticity’ in due course.

It is a manipulative and dishonest way of achieving his end goal, because the next expectation is likely to be that she must be ‘happy’ for him to live his true life.

The really key issue is that you are, or should be, an equal partner in the relationship, OP, but he is not giving equal consideration to your feelings or treating you as someone equally affected by his behaviour in so far as these revelations potentially impact the marriage and family and home that you share.

He is telling you he loves you and wants to be with you, but that also he also wants to tell everyone else urgently about something that only this week has turned upside down his relationship with you: his marriage to you and not them.

I wonder if he has been given an ultimatum by a third party to tell everyone himself or the third party will tell everyone for him? Someone he has already had feelings for, or an affair with? Someone he has confided in, or who has discovered his secret, and who thinks you/others deserve to know?

There could be any number of explanations for the 'why now' but unless he tells you, then I don't think you can trust him or believe that he is being faithful to you.

None of this is to say that bisexual people in general can't be faithful or monogamous. This discussion is primarily about you and your circumstances, and how they have changed at the speed of light - and you don't need to expend your energy on any wider issues right now!

Irrelevant. Her son is not her sexual partner who she married in good faith believing him to be heterosexual.

Of course people are allowed to have their “preferences” but they aren’t immune from being questioned about them, especially when they relate to widespread/ common forms of prejudice.
I think examining why she feels this way could be very helpful to OP and her marriage, as it does just sound like classic biphobia and unpacking and letting go of that may help her relieve some of the pain/ angst she is experiencing.
She posted here for perspective and advice. I’m offering some.

I wouldn’t be having sex with my son for two decades, or marrying him so he is not obliged to tell me his sexuality no. Whether that’s now or the future, it is none of my business.

From where I’m standing biphobia, and how it’s affecting OP and her marriage, is the topic. And instead of gently challenging that, a load of posters are coming in to reinforce/ ramp it up. That doesn’t help OP, her marriage, her children, or society at large.

I would ask if we've done something wrong raising him for him to not be able to come out when he was a teenager or young adult. For having to lie and hide it for so many years.
I would also address how having lied about it would've hurt their partner and would certainly provide support for my DIL.

No no no, she doesn’t have to unpack anything. She’s allowed to find stuff not attractive. This is boundary eroding nonsense designed to make women compliant for mens convenience.

Glad to see MNHQ agree that post is utter bullshit and deleted it.

I might be referring to a different poster but it’s all the same bs.

What a ridiculous false equivalence. Your son isn't your husband.

No one has the right to question anyone else about their sexual preferences or who they’re attracted to or who they love. The only two people in this marriage are OP and her DH. If she is no longer attracted to him because he is bisexual, that is her right. He cannot expect her to remain in the marriage.

You’re trying to present discrimination where there is none.

What are you on about. She is attracted to her husband otherwise she wouldn’t have married him.
How does he revealing something about his own personal feelings/ experience “erode her boundaries” in any way shape or form. It doesn’t,

If she’s not attracted to him any longer because he’s revealed he’s bi, then of course she certainly entitled to make the choice to end the relationship (and just as a parent is entitled to disown a gay child etc.) but it may help her first to consider how her prejudices are shaping her feelings before she ends her marriage and dissolves her family.

Perhaps not, but I would understand if his wife felt that way. I would not think she was biphobic.

At least try and make your ‘different approach’ make sense!

Do stop - this woman’s life has been blown apart and you are busy stirring the pot.

I'm not sure why he's felt the need to come out in such spectacular fashion. Why is he so keen to tell his friends that he is bisexual? If he really wanted to be honest with you, then him telling other people should be done with the full agreement of yourself and with the upmost respect in regards to your marriage. Yes, it feels like he is paving the way for a relationship with a man and I say this so you can mentally prepare yourself and maybe do now, what you would do if he was cheating. Consider if you could live together platonically or if you would want him to leave. Regardless I would plan as if you were divorcing, get financially organised for walking out the door.

This must be devastating, so give yourself some time and space to come to terms with the impact. If you can go away for a few days, to family or friends then I would. He has always been bisexual, so that in itself is a betrayal.

You cannot make that comparison, sexual preferences aren't relevant to a parent-child relationship!

If one of my son's made a big announcement while he was married to a woman, I would be concerned for his wife and children.

Best thing is to comnunicate about.
Is it something hes considered before?
Whats briught um it in now? Has someone turned his head?

Hmm. Why is he telling everyone? If he’s planning on being faithful to you who cares whether it’s men or women he’s abstaining from.

This isn't the same thing. A bisexual man and a bisexual woman aren't equal as you probably know. This might come across as sexist or whatever, I don't care. It's my opinion. The chances of this man acting on it is high.