Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

The difference, I think, is that many women sre not attracted to a man who is attracted to men. Sometimes they are worried they can't satisfy him because they think he'll always want a man too. But very often, more often maybe, it's just that to them, it feels less manly. It's not moral disgust or fear of cheating. It is more like if he couldn't deal with spiders or use power tools; it just isn't attractive to a lot of women. Clumsy examples, I know, but the best I can think of right now to explain the feeling. Perhaps that's unfair, but it's in the same wheelhouse as a person not being able to choose their sexuality. A gay man isn't misogynistic for not being attracted to women and a woman isn't biphobic for not being attracted to a bi man. I have a great bi male friend from school days, I love him, he's terrific, and there is no sexual chemistry between us at all.

I've never thought of bi people as more likely to cheat. I truly have never conceptualised it that way; to me, it just meant they could fall in love with a man or a woman, not that they must have one of each. No more so than a straight man who likes blondes and brunettes must have one of each. In this case though, like PPs I am wondering why he's decided to tell everyone, and so quickly, and as soon as his youngest child is 16, so not an adult but at the age of consent and old enough not to need "child" parenting, so to speak. The point in life where parents can start focusing on themselves a bit more. He's given OP no time to absorb it before going totally public, it's as if he can't wait, and he even told the kids first. In this case, if he truly had no wish to pursue men or make any changes, then I can't see why he wouldn't simply take it to his grave.

I'm sorry, OP. It's not your fault and you're not a bigot, ffs.

Precisely this. Lots of people don’t realise until later in life - and lots of people stay closeted because they fear reactions like some of those on this thread.

I’m a lesbian in a relationship with a bisexual woman. She could cheat on me. So could a lesbian. I trust her not to.

I had a conversation with 3 gay men (one of whom is my son), about a similar issue only last week. Their unanimous position on a young family member getting serious (moving in and having a baby) with a bisexual man was hell no. A couple of commentators have said they are bisexual and faithful, however as this is MN I suspect they are more likely to be women and I think that makes some difference.

I agree with others here that this announcement is pointless unless he intends to act and the way he has done it is cruel and manipulative.

It’s the announcement that is telling. I agree with PPs, there will be more to come.

I disagree with the PPs on the biphobia. It’s fine to only want to date someone matching your sexuality. I’m a lesbian and would only date lesbians. If my wife had said she was bisexual, I wouldn’t have gone on the first date.

People also do sometimes come out later in life. I did. But if the husband isn’t interested in acting on it, there’s no need to be announcing it to his friends.

Yeah I think he’s either already doing something or planning to. I have never felt the need to announce my sexuality to anyone, if I suddenly felt I was bi I still wouldn’t announce it because I’m happily married, it wouldn’t be a big secret it would just be irrelevant.

Either that or he’s a massive attention seeker.

I am bisexual. And when I was still dating (men and women) that was something I occasionally felt the need to communicate.

But I have been with my boyfriend (now fiance) for quite some time and I do not see why I should talk about my bisexuality. I am in a heterosexual, monogamous relationship and that's that.

Actively telling people only makes sense when you're actually pursuing experiences with the same sex or at least open to living that part of your sexuality. (or if you're a teenager that's currently trying to find themselves and therefore need to tell people. Been there, done that.)

So, anyhow. I agree with OP and pps saying that this situation is weird. I am so sorry, OP!!

So you had the good fortune of meeting a woman that was honest from the very start about who she was, giving you the opportunity to decide if it’s right for you.

It is not the same as getting married to a man you thought was entirely straight, spending decades of your life with him and raising children only to find out he has announced he is ‘bisexual’ after all, and the marriage you thought you had might be a lie. Your children are told before you before he decides the entire world need to know immediately. It’s hardly the same.

If I didn’t know better I would think he was being blackmailed given the speed he is delivering the news.

So basically we have to respect the orientation and preferences of homosexual and bisexual people, but god forbid a straight person should express one?

And in your world any woman who has a sexual preference, other than ‘I’m a neutral vessel for any man, no matter where else he wants to put it’, is a phobic bigot? Nice.

I have no stereotypes about bi people but I also think it’s fine to have boundaries around who you will and won’t date/have sex with. It’s fine if people want to be/don’t want to be with a bi person for whatever reason.

Sex and romantic relationships is the one area of life where I think it’s absolutely fine to discriminate against anyone for any reason. I’m an ethnic minority, I wouldn’t think someone is racist for not finding women of my colouring etc unattractive, no-one is owed sex. It’s actually really rapey to demand that people date you to prove they aren’t homophobic or racist.

I don't think someone is more likely to cheat because they are bisexual. I wouldn't assume a bisexual person in a committed relationship who has been open and honest about their sexuality is any more likely to cheat than anyone else. Similarly a bisexual person who doesn't talk about past relationships because they don't see them as relevant to their current relationship. But an adult who has never previously expressed any same sex attraction having a sudden epiphany and wanting to announce it to his family and friends just seems a bit strange. I would question what has led to this revelation and why he feels the need to share it so widely.

But that person who you say is supposed to be his rock most likely feels her married life has been a lie, the man she married isn’t who she thought he was. It’s hard to be supportive when you’re the person getting the news that shocks and shakes everything you believed you had.
He’s clearly had time to come to terms with how he feels, so much so he confidently wants to tell the world (despite the fact that no one, other than the OP, really needs to know about his sexuality).
So at this point I think this does become all about her as she is the one who hasn’t had time to come to terms with this and as a consequence, all that has changed for her.

I thought the same.

I wish you all the best OP and sending big hugs.

The accusations of biphobia on this thread are unwarranted.

Protections from discrimination due to a characteristic like sexuality are for employment, housing and services. Not sexual attraction or intimate relationships.

Everyone is entitled to be as choosy or discriminating as they like when it comes to who they get intimate with.

i could decide that I’m only attracted to men who are 5’ 11”, have curly hair and roman noses, work as engineers, and play rugby, chess and the trombone. I’d be massively reducing my potential dating pool by being so discriminating, but I’d be absolutely free to do so.

Do you think gay men are untrustworthy too based on this logic?

i don’t think untrustworthy per se

but certainly many have a different view on relationships than heterosexual couples

You've been through a lot.

The situation OP described reminds me of when Philip Schofield came out - everyone congratulated him but did anyone think about what a shock it must've been for his wife?

Our youngest is 16;I think he told my DD’s as they both Lesbians.

OP this is really important context. At first I was a poster who couldn’t understand why on earth he would tell the kids unless he was intending to act, but this is why and this makes totally sense. I still don’t know why he needs to announce it to his friends/ neighbours but maybe it’s something around wanting to protect his kids?

I’m a straight woman who wanted to be married to a straight man.
I wouldn’t have even dated him if he’d told me he was bisexual…because it’s just not something that I feel comfortable with

Why? It’s your choice of course, but it does sound biphobic tbh.

Just to be clear I don’t think anyone is suggesting just because he is bisexual he will automatically cheat.

However he has not been honest about who he is for over twenty years. It might be possible he has only just discovered himself - in which case it seems very unlikely he would be ready to reveal it instantly to the whole world. Most people would be in counselling, getting support and dealing with their discovery with their partner, in collarboration and making joint decisions as to how they manage the situation.

It appears op has been disrespectfully relegated to by stander status, as he calls the shots and does exactly as he pleases.

They are not approaching this jointly or together, he is not checking with her if any of this is okay and moving at her pace. He seems to only be thinking of himself. It is a huge red flag.

On that basis I don’t believe that his discovery happened a few days ago… nor do I believe it just happened to be after the exams over the summer. Or that he would be ready to tell all and sundry if he had only just realised himself that he was bi. It doesn’t sound plausible or credible to me.

With all due respect, I don't think OP needs to justify herself here.
People are allowed to have their preferences, aren't they?

Wow the stereotyping! There are LOADS of gay couples who have exactly the same view on relationships as straight couples. In fact ALL my gay friends do- I can’t think of one who doesn’t.

It’s not normal that your DH is telling family and friends about this. No one’s husband is going around telling their family they fancy loads of other women. Once you are married it’s considered the bare minimum to at least pretend you love your partner and only your partner.

I think he is lining up for a ‘brave’ disclosure that he has been shagging men behind your back, and will want rapturous applause for his authenticity.

This thread is about supporting the OP but I feel you're trying to drag it the other way.
Could you please stop steering away from the topic?

Spot on.

Yes, I agree. Not only is he setting the scene but he has probably done the groundwork, lining someone up. That’s if he hasn’t already experimented - otherwise, how does he know he is bi?

I'm bisexual, it seems daft to me that he would want to announce his sexuality if he wants to continue a lifelong hetro relationship. He wants to experiment with men aka cheat on OP if he hasn't been already.

Back in my dating days I also wouldn't have considered a bi man. I can't put my finger on why, but I also wouldn't date a man who was into anal sex with women so it's probably a bum sex thing.