Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

What's the problem with introducing different girls as your son's 'friend' to a small child? Sounds like there is more to this that you're saying. Why would you exclude your son from family gatherings just because his sister thinks it is awkward? This is what happens when you pick a side.

Suggest you cut yourself a large slice of humble pie, offer your son a heartfelt apology, and invite him to Sunday lunch without his sister!

That's very odd tbh and you've just caused an issue now haven't you.

Not sure what you can do to fix it. Apologise and see how it lands, I guess.

Your DD sounds a horror! Your poor DS has been excluded from the family just because she doesn’t like meeting his new girlfriends? What if he was just bringing a mate round? Why would that affect a baby/small child? It sounds like madness.

You’ve fucked this right up. You need to apologise for excluding him from family gatherings (and also for referring to his girlfriends as arm candy) and hope that he forgives you if you promise to be more respectful in the future.

And also apologise for prioritising what his sister wanted over seeing him.

Why on earth would you pander to your daughter not wanting to meet his girlfriends? Surely you don't have to explain anything to a baby

This is on you I'm afraid and not sure how you are going to rectify it as he sounds quite happy with his girlfriend's family

Your daughter is being ridiculous.

You have favoured her weird position over welcoming your son and whoever he wants to bring to your house.

No wonder he swerves your invitations.

You need to apologise and start by meeting at a neutral venue for lunch (on you) to break the impasse.

Of course he won't introduce her, you've made it clear you've disapproved of his previous girlfriends (arm candy? Honestly) so why would he introduce someone he may be serious about to you for you to sit in judgement? I don't blame him

I have been seeing him over the years, just less and less frequently. He doesn't miss Sunday lunch with me, it's the whole family things. He says its embarrassing that if he goes to his GF mums then her sisters might stop by, with there kids, but with us its a more formal "meet the parents" event and it will raise questions about where his sister is.

He is pretty angry that I never stood up to his sister and that he doesn't have a relationship with her kids.

I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child

I’m gathering your son couldn’t understand this, as I doubt anyone can. I’m flummoxed. Essentially, he was excluded for no valid reason so can’t be bothered with you all now. Doesn’t seem unreasonable?

Your DD is ridiculous. No 2 yr old gives a shit about their uncle’s friend being different to the friend a few weeks ago.

You stopped inviting him to pander to your DD, and now you’re wondering why he doesn’t want to come round with his partner?

You and your daughter don’t sound like nice people. I feel bad for your son.

Sorry @lifesabench I sympathise with your Son here. It was a ridiculous reason for stopping inviting him to family gatherings and I'm not surprised hes bitter about it because its obviously impacted his potential relationship with his niece/nephews - and obvs his sister too but that's on her too.

I think to fix it you really need to own your mistake and apologise.

All families are different and thats fine but it does sound like the new GF family have been more relaxed about meeting and not needed a formal invitation - it's happened organically. With your family it seems a forma invitation is more the thing - and that's fine but it does explain why things have worked out this way.

Once you have apologised and if that goes down well - think about how you can arrange an informal meeting with the new GF - perhaps travel to where they are and meet there rather than expecting them to come to you.

IF that all goes well - then you need to speak to your daughter to see if she has any chance of repairing her relationship with your son.

I don’t blame him, you and your daughter sound horrid

I don’t blame your son at all. I wouldn’t be bothering with you either.

This is so bizarre. As a PP said why would a baby care about your son having a different girlfriend. Why did you enable this - unless there’s a massive backstory; your description of his girlfriends as arm candy sounds judgmental.

He does bother with me. He phones 3 times a week, and does pop round once every couple of weeks or so. It is just the invitations to meet the GF that he bats away.

How ridiculous of your DD and you for endorsing it.
Child will have numerous people it meets as transient in their life. Any potential risks are mitigated by others being there. The new girlfriends aren't going to be caring for child or establishing the type of relationships with child that are going to cause issues when they disappear off again.

It sounds like he feels judged by you and his sister and so isn’t keen to subject his current girlfriend to that.

You've allowed your DD his sister to cross a line with him, your responsibility as a parent was to difuse this but you didn't.
I don't blame him for not wanting his gf exposed to your DD tbh.

He is right to be angry with you for excluding him from family events.

Well you seem to have told him that previous girlfriends were unwelcome so I’m amazed that you are in any way surprised that he doesn’t want to introduce you to his current girlfriend.

Genuine question - why was your DD so opposed to him bringing a girlfriend over?

Given what you've done, I think you should be very content with that

He's never going to feel able to discuss his personal life.

You can’t blame him can you .Siding with your daughter was not a good move.