Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

I think it bizarre that you stopped inviting him to family events altogether because your daughter said so… is she often the chosen golden girl and he’s kicked off to the side? Horrible behaviour.

You could even have just asked him to come alone because she doesn’t want baby round strangers! Not hard! The child wouldn’t have known anything untoward anyway.

You need to apologise and own up to doing the wrong thing and explain that you’d like a relationship and how can you facilitate that.

It sounds like you have put your grandchildren before your son, and now you’re only interested in meeting the GF because she might give you grandchildren!

Be honest with yourself, are grandchildren all you’re interested in?

As cute as they might be, they are not your child - he is.

I would have a very frank and apologetic conversation with him about how you were wrong to let your DD rule this situation. You picked her (or rather the GC) over him and that was wrong.

Tell him you really want to meet his GF and it doesn’t need to be a big formal affair.

Could you arrange to pop round to his when she’s there?

He obviously can't trust you or his sister to be welcoming and hospitable to his girlfriend.

I really can't understand your reasoning/motivation for excluding him from family events with previous and his current partners? You and your daughter sound unwelcoming, judgemental and pretty puritanical.

You've got a bit of a cheek to expect him and his girlfriend to forgive and forget your previous behaviour. Are you going to apologise?

You'll just have to keep inviting them and hope one day you'll meet.

X

By taking the side of your unreasonable and unkind daughter, you have been able to see her kids but you have probably ruined your chances of having a relationship with your son's children. That's on you.

Are you planning to apologise?

I don't think the OP will be back as the golden child and platinum grandchild have been criticised.

I doubt it.

Even on this thread , there was a "but" .....

"I ostracised my child in favour of his sibling and now we're not as close anymore!!!! Can anyone explain what might have changed his attitude towards us????"

Sorry, you should have called her bluff

It's a good point. I think it's a matriarchal household, where the men are disregarded and the non-blood relative women are treated with disdain/suspicion.

I hope he marries her…and sends you photo from the reception!

I agree with the poster who says you've allowed your daughter to dominate the situation which has made your son feel uncomfortable about bringing his girlfriend to your home when she is there with her child for Sunday lunch. It's ýour business who you entertain in your home and your sons relationships are his business no one else's and if your daughter cannot be kind and welcoming to your sons girlfriend then you don't have them all round at the same time. You say the relationships your son has have been long term but for one reason or another they have not worked out. Just turn the heat down. Many couples do not see marriage as important. His stance on this is his own business and his girlfriends not yours or your daughters. You may not like his girlfriend, we don't choose them ..not in our culture but you have to get on with her and your daughter the same. I would have a quiet word with your son and see what he says and how things can be repaired. I then think you should invite him and his girlfriend around without your daughter, if she names a fuss calmly explain why and tell her that it's important not interfere in other people's relationships and to stop using dgc as an excuse. That would only be a concern if a succession of new male parent partners were being introduced by your daughter to her child.This isnt the case here. I find it odd behaviour, perhaps she's jealous of her brother?

Why are your grandchildren your priority? He's your son.

He's your son. 😢

I would be angry with you too. You clearly favoured your daughter and didn’t care about his feelings. You and your daughter sound weird, sorry.

You caused this. You told him not to bring anyone round and now are moaning that you haven’t met her !!

Yeah and you were happy for your daughter to weaponise those grandkids and exclude him from getting to know his neighbors and nieces unless he saved to her arbitrary tune.

You've also made it clear by your part behavior that his current girlfriend will only also be welcome at the whim of his sister and his and her presence at family gatherings is upon her good graces.

What happens if he has kids down the line and your daughter decides "in still not going to attend family gatherings with him because I'm not exposing my kids to an uncle who's essentially a stranger as it might confuse them?"

Will you stand up to her then? In which case it'll be clear once again that you're not actually standing up for him, but because it now suits you because you want a relationship with your theoretical grandkids.

You've made a fucking shit show ofb this and the fact you want to fix it now is so transparently selfish that he can easily see it and is quite rightly thinking "fuck that"

Oh and show a fucking spine and stop trying to blame your daughter for your complicity, a couple of posts ago you agreed with her. Very hard to accept an apology that's denying any agency in your wrong doing

It absolutely astounds me that you 'obviously prioritise' your grandchildren over your own son to this extent.

I could understand prioritising them based on their age when you are all together (e.g. choosing child friendly restaurants). But actively choosing not to exclude your son from events so that your daughter brings your grandchildren is awful.

It even sounds like you're only really worrying about this now because you think your son might have children? What about wanting to include him for his own sake? Caring about his feelings?

I think you should feel lucky that he still bothers with you and apologise unreservedly for treating him so unfairly.

Can I ask? You make no mention of your husband or partner and is your daughter a single parent without a husband or partner . It seems a bit of a matriarchal stitch up to me with either absent or non commenting males.

Oh, FFS. Is your daughter seriously saying that she will go no contact if you so much as invite your son round? What has she got against him? Having had a few girlfriends is hardly the crime of the century.

My bet is that your daughter will never give up her free babysitter, so I think you should make it clear that she doesn't get to choose who you socialise with when you're not with her.

Can we stop piling on now. I think the OP has gotten the message.

You wanted advice. I would say apologise to your son and say that you were in the wrong.

I would also think about your daughter and why she has behaved like this. It’s bullying and controlling behaviour and you need to work out how to deal with it going forward.

This
what a horror you have raised and are now letting control you
What a vile woman

Sounds like you made your decision a long time ago and now you live with the consequences.

Baffling that grandchildren of one child came above your other actual child- and now there are grandchildren potentially on the horizon there you are interested again.

It really doesn't sound like you know you're on the wrong though.
Your poor son!! You chose to exclude him, to please your daughter so that she wouldn't stop you seeing the grandkids. If she had such an issue you could have seen her a different time, of she didn't want to come.
It's very likely the DiL wants nothing to do with you after how you have treated her partner! And I dont blame her.
You need to get grovelling and truly change how you treat him from now on.