Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

You need to apologise profusely. He’s had a few long term relationship yet you took your daughter’s side and judged him because he hadn’t settled down yet. Considering that you considered long term gf as arm candy, he’s being wise to protect his gf from you and his sister. Would you have done the same if he had a different platonic friend each week? Children benefit from meeting new people yet you treated this like the child having to live with a new stepparent every week. You should have calmed down and had a clear head.

Has your dd apologised to you and him? He’s right about it being sad that your decision has affected his relationship with his nieces/nephews.

You have said some horrible things in this post like your grandchildren being more of a priority than your son. From a third person pov he shouldn’t introduce his future mother of the kids as you are probably one of those MIL who prioritise your DD’s kids over your ds’s.

You are lucky that he talks to you.

Well, you were only ever going to keep one of your children happy and you picked the side.

Also, "arm candy"? Really? If this is your attitude, no wonder he doesn't want them to meet you.

Does he have a relationship with his sister? Because she sounds batshit crazy.

what I don't understand is even if you were going to go along with your DD, why didn't you invite your DS on different days, with whatever girlfriend he had at the time? Why did you agree to keep the girlfriend separate?

At a practical level, as he doesn't appear to have totally written you off, perhaps you can t least try to make it up to him. Apologise. Properly, fully, without trying to excuse it. Ask him if you can arrange things together to meet without your DD who is clearly going to cause problems. Acknowledge that. tell him you are sad and it's wrong but you don't want to lose either of your children.

Maybe he'll agree to be nice. I don't know.

FAFO.

Your daughter sounds like the problem. She made an issue where there wasn’t one.

if I had a sibling with a different girlfriend/boyfriend every week I think my children would be delighted.

They would think that’s cool and also think it’s cool if their uncle / aunt is single.

I really think this whole thing was way overstepping the mark. your son was probably bringing these women to meet you because he liked you? Now you have made him feel like he did something wrong.

Who is to say your daughter won’t get a new boyfriend/ husband some day and want to bring him to your house. Is her current husband superior to all your son’s girlfriends? I doubt it!

I’m sorry you listened to your daughter, she sounds old fashioned and up her own hole.

Really horrible of you and your daughter to exclude him from family events because you imagined it would be confusing to your very small grandchild (it wouldn’t be). No wonder he doesn’t want to see you or introduce his partner to you.

Why on earth wouldn't your daughter come?

She sounds a right spoilt madam.

Why is the grandchild more important than your own son?

We rarely invite all families together. One son wife and kids for lunch one day. Other brood another day. It's chaos otherwise.

Your daughter needs to accept that.

i know that when you get a lot of negative responses it can be hard to accept and you might be feeling defensive right now.

I do understand your motivations as I know some women can get quite precious about grandchildren and you obviously think it’s acceptable to say they were your priority over your DS. I also think you agreed with you DD because you had also made a value judgement on your son for not being at the same point in his life as your DD. Married, kids etc.

I think only truly acknowledging how wrong you were - not because she’s a potential DIL but because your son has been excluded from your family and have an open conversation that his reluctance to introduce his gf has made you realise how much you have damaged your relationship with him and ask him if there is anything that you can do to make it up to him. You shouldn’t worry about any future DIL or DGC but rather making it right with your son. How can you live happily knowing you’ve potentially really hurt him?

What a non event your ds having different gf’s was, your dd was being way too precious. Unless there was a safeguarding issue your dd (and you) should have given your heads a ‘wobble’.

Your dd sounds toxic.

Better kiss goodbye to any grandkids your son has. It's as if your actions have consequences

In all seriousness, I would speak to a therapist if I were you. I would talk through your thinking, what has gone in throughout your children's lives, the family dynamic etc. I would use it as a chance to deeply reflect and then to make a sincere apology. You are still saying your GC are your absolute priority, over your son. You are not there yet. You will get a bollocking on MN but you need to work through this properly. A proper apology to an adult child can go a long way. Then you ask him what he needs from you.

Well given he’s not your priority, he’s obviously chosen not to prioritise you either. Ironically you might end up having no relationship with your DS’s kids (if he has them) because you prioritised seeing your DD’s kids over your own DS.

The way you describe your DD is slightly odd; she controls access to the GCs? I guess that is technically always true but i’m not sure many GPs would phrase it that way unless you felt ‘threatened’ with lack of contact?

The more you write the worse it gets.You’re only interested in grandkids ,your daughter is a controlling bully.

I understand where he is coming from.

You have to admit you made a wrong judgement at the time, lifesabench, and apologise. Tell him it will be different from now on, tell your daughter too, she was being too picky and that has caused alienation.

This is not beyond repair. Your son's girlfriend may be the mother of some new grandchildren and I'm sure you wouldn't want to be excluded from that.

She caused it by giving in to her daughter so I think it is her job to put it right.

To vary a well known MN saying.

You don't have a DS problem. You have a DD problem.

Lol. You picked a side, so you’re going to have to either crack on or stop your daughter behaving like a dick.

If I was your son though I’d be telling you all to fuck off. Good luck if he has children, who would possibly be your priority then!

@lifesabench "He is pretty angry that I never stood up to his sister and that he doesn't have a relationship with her kids." It seems like the real problem is between your DD and DS and you're piggy in the middle. I'm assuming the fact that you know he's angry and why, means you've spoken to him about this before? If you haven't already, can't you just explain to him that you've always wanted a relationship with both your children, their partners and all your DGC and that had you not complied with your DD's wishes she would have stopped you seeing your DGC. He is now putting you in the same position your DD would have because if he has DC with this (apparently serious) GF, you won't get to meet her or them either. I think your DD has been very unreasonable and plainly you couldn't do right for doing wrong in going along with her demand, but I can also see where your DS is coming from. It also appears that even if your DS does relent and introduce you to his GF, if they really are serious and they have DC together, then your DD won't have a relationship with his DC either. I mean, at what point will your DD get down off her high horse and accept that her DB has a serious GF?

He has every right to be angry. You obviously have a fav child and its not ds

Exactly!!! How awful.

You fucked up, own it, sincerely apologise to your son, and tell your dd to stop being an arse.

Your son could well have children, is your family so effed up that your ‘dd’ will make you choose a side?

Your poor son he hasn’t done anything wrong. You picked a favourite, his sister and did what she said! You should have said no to her. You are very lucky your son still speaks to you as in his position I wouldn’t.

This is absolutely insane on you and your daughter’s part. Be thankful he still phones you, if I was him I’d have told you to fuck off for good. Why didn’t you tell your daughter she was being ridiculous? Or, just invite them separately on alternate occasions?

So you pushed your son to the edge of your family life to prioritise your DD and now you wondered why he doesn't want to be introducing you to his new girlfriend. I'd be very surprised if this is fixable especially as you still seem to be pandering to your DD at his expense.