Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

So you have agreed with your daughters selfish and batshit position on your son’s girlfriends, prioritised not just your daughter but also your grandkids (but only the ones SHE has, you’ve effectively lost all HIS future kids too now) over your son.

And you wonder why he’s pissed 🤣

you really can’t be surprised, he’s protecting himself and his partner from his awful mother and sister.

Can't argue with this

I mean how many girlfriends were there really?

Was he bringing one night stands over, a different girl every week?

If it was so casual surely he wouldn't have even wanted to bring them or them be there so at the time he/they maybe thought it was going somewhere?

Has your daughter always disliked her brother & this has been a way of taking the top spot purely by procreating first & you fell for it.

She sounds nasty & manipulative.

"He says its embarrassing that if he goes to his GF mums then her sisters might stop by, with there kids, but with us its a more formal "meet the parents" event and it will raise questions about where his sister is."

And what do you say when he says that? Part of this is likely to be him unconsciously protecting you from the awkwardness of the fact that you and your daughter behaved like this. Is his dad around?

I'm sorry, but that would have been her issue but the time to tell her to grow the hell up would have been then. You can only keep apologising to your son now and ensure that every single family event he is invited to - no matter what your daughter demands. Just invite invite invite!

"But if he was invited then my DD wouldn't come and then I wouldn't see my grandchildren, and they are absolutely my priority."

You daughter is emotionally blackmailing you. That's really toxic. Where did she learn that from?

Your grand children are a priority over your son? Your grandchildren have parents and they aren't you. Do you for free childcare for her? Will your daughter harm them because you stop letting her control you? If your daughter is controlling you by threatening to cut you off from her kids, let her. You will live and they will live. And you might be able to at least attempt to right the huge wrong you did to your son by deliberately excluding him from the family at the behest of your daughter. Do you not see that was deliberate on her part? She made sure she's got you jumping through hoops for her kids and has nothing for your son's, if he has kids. She alienated you from him using her kids and you went along.

I think what you did to your son was awful and crying grandchildren is no fucking excuse.

This is actually sad to read; you seem to be controlled by your daughter/ fearful of your daughter’s reactions and this has had an impact on your relationship with your son. How old are your grandchildren? Going forward I would just invite your son to yours whenever you want, even if your daughter is there.

You pushed him away no shock he don’t want you to meet his girlfriend I bet her views on how you treated him aren’t great. You have shown him his sister is more important to you than him.

I do hope the son will marry this latest girlfriend, and his "D"S will be on here complaining that her brother is having a child free wedding.

They weren’t arm candy, they were his girlfriends. You’ve pandered to your dd so much here I wonder how much you’ve always done this? Tell your son youre sorry and he will be the Sunday lunch priority and the Xmas priority and invite them all, say gf is coming and tell your dd to get over herself.

I have younger brothers and a separated brother in law with a new girlfriend and we’ve explained it to our kids because that’s life and your dd needs to get a fucking grip.

Good on him for protecting his girlfriend from you lot!

Does your DD have a personality disorder? Why is she so controlling?

And team child free wedding for them!! Usually I think child free weddings are pretentious wankerville, but this would be justified. If the gc are too precious to meet his gfs they are too precious to come to their wedding.

I'm going to keep my fingers crossed he maintains his boundaries. You've been awful to him and I'm glad he's protecting his partner from similar treatment.

So now the current one has met your criteria
you are generous enough to grant her an audience
you made your choice and this is the consequence

This is madness. Kids wouldn’t care! “This is your uncle’s friend, Sarah’….. that’s all that would need to be said to a child. You could have irreparably damaged your relationship with your son. How sad!

Is it normal for a grandparent to say that their grandchildren are ‘absolutely priority’ over their children?

I’m not a grandparent yet but (other than in safeguarding e.g. if an adult child was neglecting my grandchildren, in which case obviously I would prioritise my grandchildren) that sounds like an absolute bizarre thing to admit to.

You would rather side with your daughter and miss out on seeing your son completely than stand up for your son and risk your daughter punishing you by withholding the children?

Christ what a mess.

You’ve fucked the chance of a decent relationship with his future children aka your other grandchildren, by the way. Is that something you’ve considered?

Agree with most other posters, your daughter is the problem here. If she had a problem with your son not having settled down yet then she should have been told not to come to Sunday lunches given it's her issue and nobody else's. I think you need to apologise to your son and have words with your daughter.

Poor bloke. Hope his girlfriend treats him better than you lot.

"Hey, son, you can't come to the family Sunday dinner any more because your sister said no because you have girlfriends."

OP, Do you get how unhinged that sounds?

Plus, I'm assuming a boyfriend got her pregnant. So she can but he can't.

Is your daughter still saying that if her brother brings his girlfriend of 2 years to a family gathering she won't come? You need to have a good talk with her. She has basically got rid of her brother from the family and you have gone along with it. She sounds like a bloody nightmare.

Looks like you've completely fucked the chance of being close to the grandchildren of your non manipulative child.

I know you are looking for suggestions on how to fix it, but I genuinely do not think you are capable of doing so.

Even now you are pandering to your nutjob daughter, worrying that if your son comes to a family event then she won't? Come to your senses and put her back in line, if she chooses not to come (because, shock and horror, your son has a girlfriend) then she's cutting herself off.

As one mother to another, you have seriously failed your son.

The mirror here would be a mother who idolised her sons children and rejected her daughter and her daughters partners.

Then when the daughter has children and her mother never sees them wonders why.

I wonder why so little is being written about the DS' father in all this, and the DDs partner ?