Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

Because you and your daughter view his girlfriends as constantly changing arm candy. If that view has ever come across to past girlfriends (you will probably say it hasn’t), he probably doesn’t want to put them up for the judgement. His girlfriends weren’t deemed good enough to be around your DD’s son (who would have been completely oblivious due to his age). Now you’re annoyed he won’t introduce her? You must be able to see how he might view this situation.

Is his GF’s family less formal or are they friendly and welcoming, while you and your daughter are judgemental and rude?

you need to apologise and start to rebuild your relationship.

I can’t fathom how often these women were changing? Surely a new one wouldn’t “meet his parents” until after at least a few dates. Why would the toddler care? This whole thread must be a troll. Lack of insight, bizarre.

I also don’t understand why if you want to meet her you are making a big deal about Sunday dinner. Be flexible, stop by the pub on a Wednesday or something, anything, just make an effort for him.

Oh dear. So sad that your grandchild never gets to go to the the playground, or playgroups or cafes and stuff, because god forbid she encounters another human being that isn’t her family. Or is it just her brothers girlfriends she’s so controlling about? Has she always been a knob? She’s the golden child here with what you’ve let her get away with, ostracising your own son, and it shows

Look, I know I was wrong. But if he was invited then my DD wouldn't come and then I wouldn't see my grandchildren, and they are absolutely my priority.

What I need is advice on how to put this right. I am now looking at a potential DIL and mother of my grandkids that I have never met!!!

Why did you pander to his sister?

There is a dynamic at play here that he understands and is responding to but you don’t seem to get.

Were you afraid of your daughter’s response towards you if you included him?

My sister in law has controlled the dynamics of her family for a long time. They all pander to her to the extent that they were not even allowed to hold their dying mothers’s hand when sister in law didn’t okay it and she was there.

Those types of unwritten rules exist in all families. I think you might need to confront some of them and make some changes. Are you walking on eggshells to appease your daughter even when that impacts on your relationship with your son?

And that is where you are wrong?? Your own son should have been your priority ffs!!

I don't blame him - I wouldn't bother either. You chose your daughter over him, and you're surprised that he's taken a step back? Perhaps this will teach you to be a little less judgemental. If your daughter is in a secure long term relationship, and her child sees that, that will be the influence for her child, not her brothers relationships.

I know there's a dynamic at play. My DD controls access to my GC, I was (rightly) worried that if he was invited, then my DD family wouldn't show and I would not see them.

This. Why are your grandchildren 'absolutely' your priority over your son? Surely it should be the other way around.

Well you set the terms.
Maybe his partner isn't interested in meeting you or doesn't fancy meeting your Daughter.

The advice is you probably can't.

You made your grandkids a priority over your own son, why would he have want his future kids to a big part of your life?

Your grandchild is your priority ? What happens if - when son has DC? Oh dear.

Hopefully your Golden Daughter and her wunderkind will fulfill you

Have you tried apologising to him & asking him if you can draw a line under it and reset? Also, have you told your DD that it’s become an unnecessary issue? Could you have have a low key uninformal meet up somewhere or invite them to attend an event with you. Have you asked him how you can fix it?

Potential grandkid mother or arm candy? It sounds like you have unhealthy views on women (sex objects or grandkids vessels) and unpleasant dynamics with your relatives. Golden child daughter and son only welcome if he brings one grandchild vessel, not various arm candies, just to appease your daughter.

No idea how you'd fix this. See the Stately Homes thread in relationship section.

I think he’s punishing you in a way, if I were him I’d probably think now I’ve got a long term gf you find me acceptable and want to include me and be part of my life, well if you didn’t want to know my relationships before you don’t get to benefit from the change now he’s meeting you and your daughters narrow expectations.

So he will continue to see you alone like he’s always done, and you won’t get to know that side of him now.

I guess the question is do you realise now that your daughter asked you to pick between you and her and you chose her?

Apologise profusely. He might forgive you.
Try inviting them to dinner without your darling daughter.

Your daughter needs to hear the word “no” a bit more. Unless something serious has happened with your son and/or one of his ex partners, there is no way I’d be pandering to this “if you invite him, I won’t come” bollocks.

You’ve had advice. You need to genuinely and sincerely apologise and accept that you’ve done wrong, and try to prove to your son that you will be more respectful in the fuuu to re.

Yes, I think he can probably see the future of the golden child and her golden children being prioritised over his children.

Even if he ends up single again. You were very cruel to dismiss his life because he hadn’t found someone he wanted to be with long term. Your poor son

I'm amazed you'd let your son be judged in this way by your daughter! Your children should be your priority.

I think you have to apologise profusely to your son and maybe things can be smoothed over that way. You need to tell him you and DD were wrong.

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one".
Or maybe it's his next long-term relationship. Nothing wrong with not marrying, and especially nothing wrong with not marrying before the age of 35.
Have you apologised for your previous behaviour (meaning: actually admitted you were wrong, and not just his sister)? Maybe try making less of a big deal out of this latest relationship, too, or expecting him to marry her. Perhaps try inviting his girlfriend to all events, with or without the sister attending, and then don't make a huge deal out of it if they say yes or no, and avoid the subject of their relationship or potential marriage altogether. Let the man live his life how he lives it, without any comment or approval from you.

Exactly. I mean, what’s the issue, exactly? Changing girlfriends a lot (and you say he’s had several longterm relationships, so calling these women ‘arm candy ’ seems both deeply strange and very insulting to both your son and his girlfriends) would be an issue if these women were looking after the child or if they were the child’s dad’s partners, but they’re not going to be damaged by seeing Uncle Bill with different women at Sunday lunch!

More fool you, then. All you can do is apologise for being so stupid to your son and hope he trusts your judgement again at some point in future.

It sounds like you are only interested because this might be DIL and mother of your future grandchildren. If she was just another woman that he was dating, would you still want to meet her? I suspect the answer is no. I'm guessing your son knows that too. The fact is that you have decided that this one is worthy of your attention because she might bear his children - surely you can see the problem here? Living your life for your grandchildren, with no thought for your own son. If I was this woman and I had heard this about my partner's mother, I wouldn't be keen to meet her either.