Page 39 | Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

lifesabench · 2025-07-11T12:42:57+00:00

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time. He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions. I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 14/07/2025 21:02

I've travelled over an hour for much less OP. Rebuilding bridges takes time, effort and sometimes sacrifice.

One hour drive for a 30 minute chat would still be worth it.

Wanting it to be longer is what makes it formal, which your DS doesn't want.

Offer to meet them near where your DS lives, at a cafe for a coffee.

Dinners are usually formal but a day get together is easier.

As time goes on, the meets will hopefully get longer and if you're lucky, get invited to their home.

Mmhmmn · 14/07/2025 21:04

Agree with trees and sheep. Ask to meet them for lunch / coffee and cake somewhere.

Milosc · 14/07/2025 21:37

For those saying just pop round for a coffee and a meet, they live about an hour away, so it isn't just casual pop in territory, which is why I issue invitations to dinner. It needs to be a long visit to make it worthwhile, and I can't invite myself round there.

Issue invitations to dinner? Are you the queen? No wonder he complains about formality with you. You are acting like you are holding court and sending out royal summons.

My son goes to college a 19 hour drive away, or a 3 hour flight. We often hop a plane Friday night, get a hotel for the evening and spend a few hours the next day with him when he isn't working and then fly home. Sometimes to see him only two or three hours at most. But I know he can't come to see us while in school and working so I will move heaven and earth to see my children. I would be thrilled to drive an hour round trip daily to see him for ten minutes if I could.

You are making excuses to justify your horrendous treatment of your son and your horrible attitude. You are so unyielding and inflexible you will never bend to do what is right and needed to fix anything. You just sit and wait for the masses to come to you. Your son isn't stupid enough to fall for it. Good on him for seeing your family for what it is, shallow and based on appearances 🙄

Thisandthat999 · 14/07/2025 21:50

BettyCrockerClinic · 12/07/2025 23:28

Well, that tells me all I need to know about you.

You and OP can sit together moaning about how horrible everyone is to you and wondering why you’re all alone.

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Haha, I think Trees-whatever-her-name-is, is a second account set up by the OP! She’s realised she’s getting (rightfully) torn a new one by everyone on here so she needs to make it look like somebody is on her side!
I’m still fuming on the son’s behalf for the insanely bizarre comment that her daughter’s children are the priority, and not her son in equal measure!

Retiredfromearlyyears · 14/07/2025 21:55

Mmmmmm! I'm actually wondering if your DD is a little jealous of her Brother and his unfettered lifestyle and freedom to 'come and go' as he pleases. Maybe that's why she came up with the stupid, nonsensical reason that his many girlfriends would upset her 2 year old. You made a mistake! You chose your dd over your ds. I'm glad to hear that he still meets you for coffee but you may find that if you don't offer him the apology he is due,these coffee meetings will become a thing of the past.Especially if this girlfriend " is the one" as you said. Life may just get to full to include you. Offer to take them both out for a lunch or a coffee and let them know they are both welcome in your home at any time. Oh and I agree with the others. The term 'Arm Candy' is disrespectful and dismissive. Best not to use it. Especially on a forum such as Mumsnet.

joliefolle · 14/07/2025 22:56

You absolutely need to suggest to him that could go and meet him (not him and his girlfriend), just him, for lunch or tea or something near where he lives, somewhere in between, or just somewhere you think you might both enjoy. Don't suggest him bringing his girlfriend. Just say the truth: you know your relationship has been damaged by your previous decisions, you were utterly wrong to have privileged your daughter's needs over his, you absolutely want him to keep coming over to yours whenever he can and as often as he wishes, but you'd also like to do something different together every now and then, to reset things a little bit if possible. If you can't be bothered to do that, then just admit it.

Namechangean · 15/07/2025 01:13

BettyCrockerClinic · 14/07/2025 20:55

What is intriguing though is if he spends so much time with his girlfriends family, then surely she has expressed an interest in his and you. If he's met her parents, then surely she has asked to meet his and you. If this is a serious relationship as you seem to think, the burning question is what has he been telling his girlfriend about his family to dissuade her from meeting you.

Surely he only needs to have told them the truth? That’s more than bad enough to put her off meeting OP and the wider family - no stories needed!

Yes he’s been with her two years and for the first 18months she’s been viewed by his parents as arm candy and not worth their time to get to know in case it doesn’t work out. Now they want to know her, as they think grandkids might be on the horizon but if I was DS or GF I’d be thinking too little too late

HumanRightsAreHumanRights · 15/07/2025 01:53

OP, you cannot 'fix this' because you don't even love your son enough to make a one hour trip just to see him for a quick visit in order to try and rebuild a bridge you smashed to bits.

You'd be better off going to therapy to ask yourself the question of why you don't love him?

Don't try to say you do, he is only now worth something to you because you think he may breed in the near future.

HoppingPavlova · 15/07/2025 03:47

For those saying just pop round for a coffee and a meet, they live about an hour away, so it isn't just casual pop in territory, which is why I issue invitations to dinner. It needs to be a long visit to make it worthwhile, and I can't invite myself round there

It doesn’t ‘need’ to be anything. Honestly, for most people, if they got into this mess through their own behaviour, they would be happy travelling several hours each way, just to have 5mins with their child in-between. Yet, you don’t and that is very telling. Given this, maybe the right thing for your son is just to let it go?

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 15/07/2025 04:00

TwistedWonder · 14/07/2025 19:39

Ms too. My friend was excluded from her family and not allowed in same room as her younger sisters because her mum got caught up with JW’s and married a man who told her that my friend was a bad influence on the other children - she was 15.

The minute she left school she moved out and had no contact with her mum.

Her younger sister who she was told she wasn’t allowed to communicate with ended up pregnant at 14 - strict religious upbringing worked well there!

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Statutory rape, wouldn't blame religion for what happened to her.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 15/07/2025 04:05

Thisandthat999 · 14/07/2025 21:50

Haha, I think Trees-whatever-her-name-is, is a second account set up by the OP! She’s realised she’s getting (rightfully) torn a new one by everyone on here so she needs to make it look like somebody is on her side!
I’m still fuming on the son’s behalf for the insanely bizarre comment that her daughter’s children are the priority, and not her son in equal measure!

Show quote history

Haha, not as insightful as you wish you were this and whatever. 0/10.

CactusSammy · 15/07/2025 04:29

lifesabench · 14/07/2025 17:15

This is why I want to build bridges now, rather than later when it might seem my apologies and efforts aren't genuine or just because I want to see their children. I do want to meet her and get to know her.

I don't think I am unsual in being a besotted gramdmother, and I find it strange that people on this thread seem to take such umbridge with this. I know I have hurt my son, but I didn't realise how much, as he was still coming round until I found out how much time he was spending with her family and saw the difference.

For those saying just pop round for a coffee and a meet, they live about an hour away, so it isn't just casual pop in territory, which is why I issue invitations to dinner. It needs to be a long visit to make it worthwhile, and I can't invite myself round there.

Show quote history

It doesn't seem as though you are really understanding the situation from your sons point of view.

From what you have said, the dynamics in your family seem very toxic, and that appears to be coming from you. Each update you give seems to reinforce that - it is all about what you want.

angelfacecuti75 · 15/07/2025 06:22

lifesabench · 11/07/2025 14:18

I know there's a dynamic at play. My DD controls access to my GC, I was (rightly) worried that if he was invited, then my DD family wouldn't show and I would not see them.

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But in doing so ...you've justified this behaviour whether intentionally or unintentionally. You should have met them separately with his girlfriends, then DD wouldn't have had to had an opinion on whom he chose to bring home. It is in fact , none of her business, whom he chooses to see or doesn't. I'd suggest you take some of the very good suggestions people have said about travelling to see him, lunch on you, explain it, say parents dont always get things right , you made a mistake and you are truly sorry . Then try and rebuild, but give him time, trust is easily broken and very hard to rebuild. I'd suggest you tell your dd you are doing this and to say why.

CleanShirt · 15/07/2025 06:29

OP really does have a problem for every solution.

Proudestmumofone1 · 15/07/2025 06:45

bizzywizzy · 14/07/2025 17:37

I was/am in the same situation as your son. Its been going on for 35 years.

I found this thread about 3am saturday scrolling for something to read when I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep because yet again, there was a family milestone for my sister and I was excluded from it. It started when my sisters children were small (also a young bible bashing dsis and bil!!). My parents and DB threw me under the bus to keep access to the grandchildren. I still am excluded from anything related to that sister or her (now adult) children.

I cannot put into words - the damage caused by my parents facilitating my exclusion from my own family all these years. It seeped into every aspect of my life.

Reading this thread has helped me so much. Some of it has been very close to the bone and triggered memories that I try to keep buried.

It's given me clarity to see so many posters calling this behaviour despicable/vile/unforgiveable. And a wake up call - Yes, my mother is lucky I have any contact with her at all. No idea what she thinks of our relationship, but we are not close. I never feel any need to be in her company. I visit because, well that's what children do. She killed the emotional attachment.

I too give 'non-answers' . There's no way back from something like this, so why discuss it. If people choose to exclude you from their life, its desperately upsetting and difficult. But you've no choice but to accept it and move on.

To the OP, its not for you to now expect your son to fall back in line because it suits you. But thanks for posting, because the answers to your question have helped me.

Sending you love. ❤️

I fear from the updates from OP that your msg is the only positive thing to come out of this thread…. but that alone is worth 40 pages.

It is so unusual to see MN so united on AIBU and seeing how horrific / traumatic this behaviour is… so really hope you can save some of the msgs for you to look through again one day and keep strong in realising you are not the toxic one in your situation….

CaptainFuture · 15/07/2025 06:59

Shatteredallthetimelately · 14/07/2025 17:54

until I found out how much time he was spending with her family and saw the difference.

This kind if stood out to me that you're more concerned about any future GC your DS and his GF may have will have a better bond/relationship with her parents than you....and the thought of that is driving you crazy.

It seems it's all about FOMO with you.

This. And is if fear of the 'influence' that they could have on the future GC?.... what if they 'do something' that leads these future GC astray 😱 that upsets Golden DD?! @lifesabench if she tells you not to see these GC would you follow these rules too? I think is highly likely you would!

sashh · 15/07/2025 07:45

lifesabench · 14/07/2025 17:15

This is why I want to build bridges now, rather than later when it might seem my apologies and efforts aren't genuine or just because I want to see their children. I do want to meet her and get to know her.

I don't think I am unsual in being a besotted gramdmother, and I find it strange that people on this thread seem to take such umbridge with this. I know I have hurt my son, but I didn't realise how much, as he was still coming round until I found out how much time he was spending with her family and saw the difference.

For those saying just pop round for a coffee and a meet, they live about an hour away, so it isn't just casual pop in territory, which is why I issue invitations to dinner. It needs to be a long visit to make it worthwhile, and I can't invite myself round there.

Show quote history

An hour is nothing. Really it isn't.

My brother lives in Cornwall, I'm in the Midlands, our Dad is in Lancashire.

When my brother was on his way to see my dad (and mum when she was alive) I would drive 30 mins to a pub that he would pass on the way. We would meet up for coffee or for lunch sometimes.

Find somewhere half way so it is only 30 mins for both of you.

MoFadaCromulent · 15/07/2025 08:54

"This is why I want to build bridges now, rather than later when it might seem my apologies and efforts aren't genuine or just because I want to see their children. I do want to meet her and get to know her."

But your motivation still is to ensure access to hypothetical grandchildren rather than making amends because it's the right thing to do, you just don't want it to seem that way.

supercali77 · 15/07/2025 09:07

'It needs to be a long visit to make it worthwhile'

Despite what you've done your son drives an hour regularly to visit you. And yet you can't be arsed to drive down and pop in to see him unless it's worthwhile. Worthwhile for who? You. It's not for him is it.

In every post you sound completely transactional. You want to meet the gf. It seems in part because he meets her family so you feel...jealous? Left out?. They might have grandchildren. And you want in on that as well. None of this is about actually making amends or realising how spectacularly you've effed it up.

Adult children regularly visit their parents out of pure duty and obligation. Visiting, if it's what's always happened, is no indication of an intact relationship.

SerendipityJane · 15/07/2025 10:02

the first 18 months she’s been viewed by his parents as arm candy

s far as I have read the OP hasn't mentioned a partner or husband. An omission that becomes more glaring with each post.

I was intrigued by it initially. However I didn't want to comment in case there was a backstory. However this far into the story, it seems notable.

BettyCrockerClinic · 15/07/2025 10:18

'It needs to be a long visit to make it worthwhile'
Despite what you've done your son drives an hour regularly to visit you. And yet you can't be arsed to drive down and pop in to see him unless it's worthwhile. Worthwhile for who? You. It's not for him is it.

“I want to build bridges - as long as they don’t take more than an hour to cross.”

whodafish · 15/07/2025 10:39

SerendipityJane · 15/07/2025 10:02

the first 18 months she’s been viewed by his parents as arm candy

s far as I have read the OP hasn't mentioned a partner or husband. An omission that becomes more glaring with each post.

I was intrigued by it initially. However I didn't want to comment in case there was a backstory. However this far into the story, it seems notable.

Could be like my dad. He sees exactly what my mum is up to and the decisions she makes and won't get involved for a quiet life.

SerendipityJane · 15/07/2025 10:52

whodafish · 15/07/2025 10:39

Could be like my dad. He sees exactly what my mum is up to and the decisions she makes and won't get involved for a quiet life.

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This far in, anything is possible I guess.

However the OP strikes me as the sort of person who - if there were a partner in the frame - would immediately mention them as "agreeing with me". So as i say, the lack of that is signal. As would be the detail to the story that they disagree with the OP.

DearDenimEagle · 15/07/2025 11:35

I don’t get on with my mother. She put her wants above us all, first and foremost. I didn’t speak to her at all for decades. Now I’ll drive 3 to 4 hours for a cup of coffee and then drive home…once it was 6 hours because of traffic. …first Friday after lockdown was lifted and a sunny day..the whole country was on the roads 🤣

Anyway…my eldest son lives in London, so I’ve driven the 450 miles to see him for lunch and then come back. He drives more to visit me now but usually stays a night or 2. I have spare rooms…he shared a house with pals…so no rooms spare

NameChangedforanony · 15/07/2025 12:36

bizzywizzy · 14/07/2025 17:37

I was/am in the same situation as your son. Its been going on for 35 years.

I found this thread about 3am saturday scrolling for something to read when I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep because yet again, there was a family milestone for my sister and I was excluded from it. It started when my sisters children were small (also a young bible bashing dsis and bil!!). My parents and DB threw me under the bus to keep access to the grandchildren. I still am excluded from anything related to that sister or her (now adult) children.

I cannot put into words - the damage caused by my parents facilitating my exclusion from my own family all these years. It seeped into every aspect of my life.

Reading this thread has helped me so much. Some of it has been very close to the bone and triggered memories that I try to keep buried.

It's given me clarity to see so many posters calling this behaviour despicable/vile/unforgiveable. And a wake up call - Yes, my mother is lucky I have any contact with her at all. No idea what she thinks of our relationship, but we are not close. I never feel any need to be in her company. I visit because, well that's what children do. She killed the emotional attachment.

I too give 'non-answers' . There's no way back from something like this, so why discuss it. If people choose to exclude you from their life, its desperately upsetting and difficult. But you've no choice but to accept it and move on.

To the OP, its not for you to now expect your son to fall back in line because it suits you. But thanks for posting, because the answers to your question have helped me.

Thank you for posting this bizzywizzy. I am in a similar situation and thought you expressed it beautifully. This has been such a helpful thread.

Excluding one child to satisfy a sibling is a fundamental breach of the parent-child relationship. Can it ever be repaired? I would compare it to infidelity in a marriage - perhaps with counselling and a genuine apology something may be salvaged, but irreparable damage has been done and the trust is gone.