Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

And now you won’t see your other grandchildren.

Well that was short sighted because you may not have much of a relationship with any children DS might have.

You stopped inviting your son and girlfriends because your controlling daughter didn't like him having different girlfriends?

Why is it any of her business who he dated? And you pandered and caved to that bullshit. Why?

You're not going to meet anyone that's important to him. You put a stop to that yourself playing favorites in your home. You chose to exclude him from the family.

You're lucky he gives you the time of day, lady. Yes, you broke your family's relationship with your son to cater to your controlling daughter. It's unlikely you'll be able to fix it. You made your choice.

This. It all sounds incredibly unhealthy. And your DD sounds awful.

What you can do to fix things? Probably nothing to manipulate him into doing what you want. But there probably are things to do to fix your family dynamics. Firm boundaries with your DD for a start.

Just reread the OP and noticed you said he’d had several long term relationships. Why on earth are you describing these serious relationships as a “constant changing of arm candy”. How constantly changing can they be? Why are you rudely and judgementally calling them “arm candy”?

Apologise unreservedly for your cruel behaviour towards your son and stand up to your bully of a daughter.

Agree with this. No reason why small children can't meet other people, it's not as if she is leaving the children with them.

'My daughter and grandkids are my priority'. You've picked a side and you've not been subtle about it. Why would he want to introduce his girlfriend to someone who dismissed the previous women in his life as 'arm candy' and treats him as less of a priority than his sister and her kids?!
I think the only chance you have to fix this is a complete mea culpa about how badly you've fucked things up to date. That you're sorry to have dismissed the previous girlfriends as arm candy - the misogyny is calling from inside the house!!! That you're sorry that your actions have meant he hasn't felt it suitable or safe to introduce his girlfriend to you and this fucked up family dynamic. That you're sorry for putting his sister's ludicrous demands before him. That you ask for his forgiveness and if he is willing to find a way forwards.
You also need an equally open conversation with your daughter that she can't control the family dynamic like this any more and that you were wrong to enable it in the first place. That it wouldn't have damaged her kids to meet more than one girlfriend but that it is currently massively damaging your relationships with him.

you'd jeopardise your relationship with your son for fear of not seeing your other grandchildren? That is where you've gone wrong, but hopefully your son can forgive you.

Apologise unreservedly.

Why would you stop inviting him
over. That is bizarre. He probably felt fed up about it. Fair enough

And while you are at it apologise for the “eye candy” remark.

I wonder if you have (consciously or subconsciously) brought up your children with the message that to get your approval, they need to live a life that meets strict social standards. Not too many partners, marry, have children etc. Your daughter (the oldest child?) has managed to meet those standards, so she's a real stickler for the rules (otherwise it would mean her efforts to comply were meaningless), whereas your son has strayed from this strict path (though it hardly sounds like he's gone wild either!).

Perhaps it would help you to have a chat with a counsellor, if you can afford it? Are these standrds passed down from your own family, from your husband, or are they something that helped you as you were growing up?

You reap what you sow OP. I feel for your DS. You have treated him abominably.

@lifesabench

"I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it"

"He is pretty angry that I never stood up to his sister and that he doesn't have a relationship with her kids"

"Look, I know I was wrong"

"But if he was invited then my DD wouldn't come"

"my grandchildren, and they are absolutely my priority"

If you are sincere about really wanting to fix this, you need to start with broaching the current status quo, with your daughter.

It is she that is holding the family hostage with her absurd logic.

You are now reaping the rewards of choosing the wrong side, all because you were frightened of losing contact with your grandchildren.

Your son must have been extremely hurt.

He sounds like a decent man who loves you but he doesn't seem to trust you, sadly. 🤔

Agree with everyone else. You need to apologise profusely. You have behaved terribly to both of your children, your son for obvious reasons and your daughter because pandering to her silliness for so long has done her no favours. So you were afraid she’d withhold access to the children and just gave in at the expense of your son and other future grandchildren? You’ve already shown favouritism and I see why he’d want to keep your toxic behaviour out of his future children’s lives.
Your spoiled bully of a daughter would quickly have learnt what being isolated from family feels like when you have small children and I doubt she’d have kept the GCs away from a free babysitter and meal provider for very long. Your son on the other hand has been kept out in the cold through no choice or fault of his own and your chance to teach your daughter better has passed.

Even with an apology you also have to accept that the damage may already be done. Your son’s children will know you as “dad’s side” in the once or twice a year obligatory visit sort of way, and rightly so if you don’t start getting your house in order and letting your immature brat of a daughter rule the roost.

Your previous actions show you are quite judgemental about his girlfriends. Your attitude towards them got him banned from family gatherings. I can see why he might be wary of introducing you to his girlfriend now.

Honestly, I think without a lot of upheaval and therapy you won't get much better terms than what you have now.

You've allowed your DD to control family dynamics in a way that suits her and her alone, how has this happened? Take it from there.

Well I sympathise with your son. Nothing but abject apologies will do now and stop seeing his girlfriends as future grandchild mothers and get to know them as people.

Actions have consequences and I think he'll know that the apologies are rather hollow because you're only doing it to see his potential grandchildren.

Don' t be surprised if you don't get an invitation to the wedding.

Why on earth did you go along with your daughter?? A small child isn't going to bat an eyelid, if your son turned up with a different woman each time they saw him! A young child doesn't understand what 'girlfriend' means, so the woman is introduced as a 'friend'. If questioned by the child, you say 'Uncle X, has lots of friends'. Your poor son has been pushed out of family gatherings, due to your daughter having a bee in her bonnet, because his girlfriend's change regularly!! In no way, should you have gone along with this, even if deep down you wished he'd settle down. You've allowed your daughter's ridiculous ideas to dictate family events. Of course your son isn't very interested in introducing his girlfriend to you! You've not invited him to family gatherings and pushed him away! So he's taken the hint, and kept away!! I can't say that I blame him either!! You need to apologise, and start including him (and his partner) in family events - if your daughter doesn't like it, bloody tough!! Unfortunately, he may not be so forgiving.

What I need is advice on how to put this right. I am now looking at a potential DIL and mother of my grandkids that I have never met!!!

Your priority sounds like it's now the GC that don't exist and manipulating the relationship so you can get access to them. You've already fucked things up big time in the family dynamic by prioritising your existing GC and your bonkers sounding DD over your DS.

I don't know if you can unpick this. He's rightly keeping his distance because of your judgemental behaviour. The only hope is, if you are doing it for the right reason, (which would be because you realise your behaviour was wrong and has caused harm, not to rejig things again for your own whims) would be to apologise, properly, for the hurt you have casued him and the rupture in your relationship and ask what you can do to repair.

It’s not your job to fix an adult man’s relationship or lack thereof with his sister though. It’s on him and her to sort it out. No reason why he couldn’t have addressed the issues with his sister directly - he’s 35 not 17.

@lifesabench when you say "he doesn't miss Sunday lunch with me"

Are you on your own?

So you fucked up. And you're aware enough of it to tell us.

But I don't see anywhere that you've apologised to your son for it. As far as he's concerned, you see your daughter and her family as more worthy of your attention than him. When push comes to shove, he knows you'll pick them. Why would he want to bring his partner into that sort of dynamic?