Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

Is this for real? You excluded him because of your daughter's baby!and now don't understand why he is so reticent to put in an appearance with or without girlfriend???

I'm really glad you got to see that so many people here saw this family exclusion and alienation at the request of a sibling to be awful and unacceptable and got some help from that.

Sometimes parents do things that kill the emotional attachment (that's a great way to put it) and there's just no fix.

I do understand why you did it. My bil had a different girlfriend every month for a couple of years. I just had another baby and didn't feel comfortable with their visits, because his partners changed so often. Some were nice, some were just werid and not people i wanted around the children. I'm ashamed to say I disengaged from all of his new girlfriends. I smiled, said hello, would you like a drink and bye. But didn't talk to them aside from those three things. He actually (very quickly) married his last girlfriend. I tried to form a friendship but she didn't want to know. Which is to be expected as I didn't particularly make her feel welcomed into the family. I wish now that I took the time with them as you never know who will become family. She's having a baby soon too! So regrets all round. All you can do is welcome them both to future meals. Is it worth hosting a separate meal e.g. Saturday take away with the four of you? (daughter excluded) It may help if your daughter's not there.

I think a big part of the sons problem is that his sister wanted him excluded, and he had "lesser" events because of this.

Yes the OP might need to invite them separately now. But for a while she needs to be offering the choice family occasions, like Sunday lunch to her son first.

It's incredibly sad about your situation, but can I ask, at the time did you not anticipate at all what effect your actions may have had on the future?

You have apologised - it was never going to be an instant forgiveness but perhaps over time if you can still show that you understand that you were wrong, then hopefully in time things will be put right. I think if you can demonstrate to him that you can prioritise him that will help.

I don't think people are taking umbridge to you being a doting grandmother, the objection is you putting your grandchildren in front of prioritising your own son? Really its your feelings you are prioritising here.

I hope things work out.

I suspect OP doesn't actually believe they are wrong, and if they did not suspect another grandchild might soon appear, they would be very happy to keep the current arrangement despite how upsetting her son finds it.

I would think this has been going on, the OP knows it is causing upset and doesn't care. But now they see he is spending quality time with the GF family and kids may appear she needs to back peddle sharpish.

She says that he dismisses her apologies, that usually happens when people think they aren't genuine. "I am sorry that you were upset by this" that kind of bullshit.

You have apologised

Not from where I'm standing ...

Says it all. Mustn't upset DD, she is the one with the children. She might stop OP from seeing them. I have seen this happen so often including with some members of my own family. Once one DC has children they come first and any DC who haven't got children get pushed out or made to be less of a priority. No wonder he doesn't want to bring his girlfriend round to meet you.

I don't think you should just turn up as some pp suggest. He has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want the 2 of you to meet so I think it could easily make things worse if you trample his boundaries and just turn up.

You seem to have a reasonable level of 1:1 contact with him. So a good first step might be to ask him if there is anything you can do to resolve your relationship.

But you really need to be honest with yourself about your motivation here. Do you really want a relationship with them as a couple? Or are you just wanting access to future grandchildren - because if it's the latter then you are still dehumanizing her as you've merely reclassified her from arm-candy to broodmare without any actual interest in her.

Would you want contact if they told you they weren't going to have children?

You also need to decide whether you are prepared to stand firm against your dd.

The thing is op its you that fudged up and every possible suggestion made here for you is dismissed because it's not suitable for you and your mind set.

You don't get to decide how your son reacts here, you need to humble yourself and take his lead, he has absolutely no incentive to go by your formal ways.

It needs to be a long visit to make it worthwhile

At the moment it is no visits, ever. You're holding out for a perfect relationship and in the processi losing any relationship at all.
You really have to try to hear what everyone is saying here if you're wanting even a sliver of a chance at fixing this. What is worthwhile is literally anything if it helps with your redemption.

@lifesabench

You still aren't getting it! Your son sees through you like a pane of glass.

He knows this has nothing to do with mending your fences and everything to do with you wanting access to his possible future children. And he's telling you 'no'.

You have burnt that particular bridge then dynamited the remains of it.

The best thing you can do for your son is to accept your relationship with him on his terms. But I don't think you'll do that, will you?

He is one of those people who thinks an apology only means something if you put things right

Ffs OP!

You seem to have (somehow) raised a lovely son, but you’ve thrown away your relationship.

In my experience (as the adult child) there’s no coming back from this. The most you can hope for is a surface relationship. Sorry.

Filled thread. Poster pretending doesn't understand

Poster: give me advice.
MN gives advice.
Poster: not that advice.

Yep - OP just wanted validation that her rigid unwavering ‘rules’ are right and that her DS and his ‘arm candy’ need to get over it so she can play granny of the year to their hypothetical children.

I drive an hour each way with the dogs to run them an hour on the beach, and she won’t visit her son?
If I were him, I’d stop contact completely

It’s only the OP who doesn’t think her driving for an hour is worthwhile. Her DS and his GF would be expected to travel to her when she issues her summons for a formal dinner which appears to be her only form of acceptable meet up.

40 pages and she’s still not budged an inch

You can pop in for a coffee an hour isnt that far away .. small steps then maybe your son will come round to involving his partner more with you.
I dont think you have many other options.

This.

I think the Op knows that if she tried to pop in for coffee she'd be turned away.

What I reckon is that OP needs to stalk current GF's family, turn up on their doorstep and create a scene. Either that or stop trolling.

OP, maybe your DS is actually thinking about your future with your DD by not introducing his GF and any future GC he may have to you.

I'm assuming here that you've only got the two DC yourself, being the DD and DS.

Have you taken into consideration that your DS doesn't want his DSis kicking off around them if suddenly your attention wasn't wholly on her own DC.

I really can't see after years of being the "black sheep" that you can just expect your DS to slot back in and play happy families.

You chose to let your DD, and worse her husband dictate your DS place in the family all because you didn't want your DD threatening to stop you seeing her son now you must also respect that your DS and GF get to decide your place in the life of any future DC they may have.

Agree about the hour comment.
Seems he is hurt and wants contact of some sort, otherwise he would have stopped by now. Not easy switching off emotions and hopefully time will be a healer.
OP knowledge her past mistakes but doesn't seem to understand the impact on him.

Precisely, any distance would be worthwhile to start building bridges.