Online boyfriend always wants my attention and is controlling - what to do?

[Gasolinehorseys]

Online boyfriend constantly wants my attention and gets upset when I take time for myself.

I've been in an online relationship for a 8 months and I’ve noticed a pattern that’s suffocating me. He constantly wants to be on calls, watch films together or just be in contact. If I say I need some alone time or disconnect for a bit, he gets moody or starts questioning what I’m doing.

I don’t feel like I have space to be by myself and I hate having to justify my every move. He’s a nice person and I care about him, but I’m starting to feel suffocated and I’m not sure this relationship is healthy anymore.

Has anyone been through something like this?
I'm not really sure what to do or how to do it.

He’s basically been telling you what you want to hear and you’ve never met him either.

You do not know him as well as you think you do. You are emotionally vulnerable and in therapy . You are in no position to be in a relationship because your boundaries are shot. He targeted you and deliberately so in order to abuse you. And indeed this is what has happened. Abuse also thrives on secrecy so I would also tell your therapist. Do not enter into another relationship until you are a lot safer emotionally and can recognise red flags.

@TwistedWonder lmao I can see why you might see that but he does have a studio flat which he got through the government initially, but now pays like €300 euros a month for which his dad has helped him pay recently. He does spend a lot of time in bed, doesn't really go anywhere other than the supermarket to buy fags. He plays world of tanks atm. I just find it weird how he talks about how would be such a responsible father and great father when he has no idea what it's like yet. He goes on about what a great loving partner he is. I just don't see it. If he's always on his sofa, sleeping with no job, how does he know how to look after his potential baby? His flat is a mess too, that's a petty judgment but I can't live like that I'm an OCD freak

Mate, hes controlling, manipulative, self obsessed, a liar, lazy and you say (unsurprisingly!) that you aren’t attracted to him. You have no ties like property or kids together. There’s no need to ever speak to him again once you end things.

It’s madness to continue this relationship for even one more day!

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne having a bit of fun and taking mdma and acid once a few months doesn't make me an insensible person, in my opinion anyway. If you're completely against drugs, I get it. But I'm fine with drugs, I think they can help you clear your head from time to time.

He’s not a nice person though is he. He’s controlling and abusive. You don’t even know this person, just block them and get on with living your life in the real world.

Are you in the UK?

@junkmaail yes, why?

For gods sake OP. I understand how difficult it can be to leave a bad relationship, but this is utterly ridiculous. In the time it is taking you to reply to all the messages on here, you could have blocked him and the whole thing would be over already. This is the easiest ‘breakup’ of all time.

@renthead I understand, I'm sorry I'm being annoying. It's also easy for you to say, you aren't in the situation.

Again, I'm seeing no evidence whatsoever to back up either of your claims that he is 'nice' or 'somewhat intelligent'. A charitable view would be that he is someone who is signally failing at adult life (lives in a dirty bedsit, is longterm unemployed, addicted to gaming, stays in bed and hardly ever leaves said dirty bedsit except to buy cigarettes, is reliant on his parents to afford rent, also seems heavily reliant on fantasy). However lonely you currently are, this is not someone you need dragging you down.

You sound incredibly vulnerable, and it worries me that you are even thinking in terms of living in his dirty bedsit! I think that as well as just blocking him, you should tell your therapist what you've told us on here, and use this as a way of starting to address self-esteem and difficulty in relationships.

How old are you op. He's not your boyfriend. Block him and move on.

You sound quite vulnerable OP. I suggest you talk to your therapist about this. You're seeing a therapist to help you with navigating life, and this seems like an issue you need some help with.

He is a delusional controlling figment of the internet thousands of miles away. Switch him off. Literally. Done. You need never hear from him again.

Tell your therapist what's been going on and ask them for help around your boundaries and judgement.

She's 33.

Just get rid. There are millions of others out there.

OP, whatever is stopping you from breaking up with this awful guy is solely in your own mind - some kind of combination of duty and guilt and perhaps a feeling that you have to put others first? He has no control over you. Please discuss this with your therapist, there is nothing to be embarrassed about. They can help you with the feelings that are stopping you from breaking up with this person. He does not deserve another second of your time and energy.

Hi OP

Youve said you don’t have much experience of relationships, and it seems like you’re looking for advice on how to break up with him without this being painful and hard for you to do, and without it going down badly with him.

The thing is (and this is something it took me one or two botched breakups to figure out myself) breakups are painful and go down badly with the person who gets dumped. There’s no way around that. People are saying this breakup is easy because you can just block him - and truly, it is easy compared to needing to disentangle finances, housing or children, or even just an in person relationship with mutual friends or possessions at each other’s houses. But there’s no pain free way of breaking up.

Just get on with it. Get it over with. Accept that will be painful. Block him. And tell your therapist.

I say this very gently, OP, have you told your therapist about the drug taking? Taking them to 'clear your head' is not a good idea and can actually make any problems you have much worse. I say this as a recovering alcoholic, having been clean and sober for almost 8 years. I used to say that I was 'clearing my head' when I was drinking, but what I was really doing was pouring alcohol on to my very real trauma and making things 100 times worse. It wasn't until I was in counselling, working through my problems that I became sober. You are a vulnerable person and that makes you a prime target for someone manipulative like this guy to abuse and coerce. Please end the relationship and continue the good work with your therapist. Wishing you luck 💐

Edited to add: please also tell your therapist about this 'relationship'.

He sounds utterly repellent and he brings nothing but stress and unhappiness to your life. You owe him nothing, he’s not your boyfriend, he is a lazy controlling fantasist.

Send him one last message, “this isn’t working for me, I wish you well but please don’t contact me again.” Block him on everything and tell your mum to do the same. Job done. It will take 2-3 minutes tops and then you will be free.

He's not your boyfriend and you're not in a relationship as much as you think that's the case. It's not real life. That aside, just tell him to how you feel and either ignore him when you need space or block him if you want to end it permanently.

The vast majority of people in your situation would find it extremely easy to end contact with this highly undesirable penpal. Stop describing how inadequate he is on here, and just get on with blocking him.

You need to note down every you know about him before blocking, contact details, his bank details, address etc. due to the difference in countries if he does become a pain in the arse you’ll at least have as much detail as possible should you have the need to report him.

I would suggest telling him it’s over and being clear he is not to contact you. If you just block after all this time he might use a block as an excise to contact you out of some poor excuse such as welfare check.

Make it clear and also tell you mum to not communicate with him.

Have you met this man in person? Or is this relationship purely online? If it's solely online, then you're not in a relationship with this man - you can't have a relationship with someone you have never met or don't really know. You are living inside a fantasy bubble. The man sends you a plane ticket (which you didn't ask for) within a month of chatting to you. Don't you think that's very odd behaviour? You don't know this person at all. You only see what this man wants you to see. You don't know if the things he's told you are true or not. Whatever this man's intentions are towards you I don't know. What I do know, is that he's controlling, needy and insecure. If he's like this online, how do you think he'd behave in person? He'd be 100% worse. You have no obligations towards this man, you aren't in a relationship at all with him. You can choose to stop contact for whatever reason you wish, he can't force you to be in contact with him. I'd simply message him to say 'I no longer wish to keep in contact with you. Your behaviour is controlling and rather worrying'. Then you block him. You have no ties to him, so therefore there's no reason to contact him again.

@Fastingandhungry thank and thank you everyone for your messages. It has really cleared my mind and I've taken every single message into consideration - I appreciate it very much. What he safest message to send before breaking up with him and blocking. It has to be sympathetic and short, otherwise he will think I'm crazy or insane

Why do you find it weird that a complete and utter bullshitting fantasist spins you a load of nonsensical crap?

Hes a liar, a bullshitter, a catfish a complete and utter useless loser who is in his 30’s and lives like a slob

It’s not hard AT ALL to block someone you’ve never met and appears to be an absolute waste of space. The time you’re wasting on this twat, you could be working on improving your real life.

You don't need to send any message, and it doesn't matter what he thinks. Just block him and don't look back.