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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Online boyfriend always wants my attention and is controlling - what to do?

206 replies

Gasolinehorseys · 09/07/2025 10:03

Online boyfriend constantly wants my attention and gets upset when I take time for myself.

I've been in an online relationship for a 8 months and I’ve noticed a pattern that’s suffocating me. He constantly wants to be on calls, watch films together or just be in contact. If I say I need some alone time or disconnect for a bit, he gets moody or starts questioning what I’m doing.

I don’t feel like I have space to be by myself and I hate having to justify my every move. He’s a nice person and I care about him, but I’m starting to feel suffocated and I’m not sure this relationship is healthy anymore.

Has anyone been through something like this?
I'm not really sure what to do or how to do it.

OP posts:
Noshadowsinthedark · 09/07/2025 10:54

Gasolinehorseys · 09/07/2025 10:50

Yes I am, not as much as I used to be, but I know I will feel guilty for breaking things off with him. He keeps telling me he loves me and he's attached to me and I worry how he'll be once I end things. I ended it with him once and he called my mother saying he was worried about me. @muggart

Block all contact when you end things.

Let your Mother know to do the same.

It’s another form of control.

How old are you OP?

MageQueen · 09/07/2025 10:56

Gasolinehorseys · 09/07/2025 10:50

Yes I am, not as much as I used to be, but I know I will feel guilty for breaking things off with him. He keeps telling me he loves me and he's attached to me and I worry how he'll be once I end things. I ended it with him once and he called my mother saying he was worried about me. @muggart

Even more reason to end it.

Here is an important point - you are not responsible for HIS feelings. As a human being, of course you should not be setting out to hurt someone etc, but you do not need to destroy your own happiness for the sake of someone else.

When you end it, make sure you let your family and friends know they might need to block him.

I'm a bit surprised that this level of controlling isn't asking for more. Does he want you to move/help him to move? Money? Contacts?

Original poster
Gasolinehorseys · 09/07/2025 11:00

Yes, he knows where I live. I moved house and he wanted to send me a package of his shirt, chocolate and Magic the gathering stuff which I've told him multiple times I don't want to play that stupid game with him. Ive told him so many times that I want to break it off but he keeps telling me I'm only saying it because I'm due on my period or I'm having a bad time. I can't tell if I do actually like him or not. He lives in Germany and he keeps fantasising about me moving there with him, the first month we met he even started asking around for jobs for me, I didn't ask him to do that. He insisted on buying a plane ticket for me even though I told him I didn't want him to. He bought the ticket, I didn't go because I really didn't want to, he made me feel guilty about it and wanted the money back. He knows I don't have many friends so he knows I always have time for him unless I'm working. Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
MemorableTrenchcoat · 09/07/2025 11:00

Gasolinehorseys · 09/07/2025 11:00

Yes, he knows where I live. I moved house and he wanted to send me a package of his shirt, chocolate and Magic the gathering stuff which I've told him multiple times I don't want to play that stupid game with him. Ive told him so many times that I want to break it off but he keeps telling me I'm only saying it because I'm due on my period or I'm having a bad time. I can't tell if I do actually like him or not. He lives in Germany and he keeps fantasising about me moving there with him, the first month we met he even started asking around for jobs for me, I didn't ask him to do that. He insisted on buying a plane ticket for me even though I told him I didn't want him to. He bought the ticket, I didn't go because I really didn't want to, he made me feel guilty about it and wanted the money back. He knows I don't have many friends so he knows I always have time for him unless I'm working. Sorry for the long post.

This is sheer insanity. How old are you?

CleanShirt · 09/07/2025 11:01

How old are you both?

FormerAnywhere · 09/07/2025 11:01

Send a short message telling him this isn't going to work for you any longer and not to contact you again. Sign out of any platforms you have been speaking with him on, block and move on with your life. This isn't difficult

tripleginandtonic · 09/07/2025 11:02

Frostiesflakes · 09/07/2025 10:52

How on earth can you have an online boyfriend a relationship with someone you have never met

is his name Chat GTP or what

May as well be. I can't fathom how this can be in anyway satisfactory the whole point of having a bf/gf is physical contact.

Jawdrop · 09/07/2025 11:06

Gasolinehorseys · 09/07/2025 10:50

Yes I am, not as much as I used to be, but I know I will feel guilty for breaking things off with him. He keeps telling me he loves me and he's attached to me and I worry how he'll be once I end things. I ended it with him once and he called my mother saying he was worried about me. @muggart

Bluntly, OP, so what? Block him. Tell your mother to block him. (Why on earth did you give this loon your mother's phone number?) Tell him not to contact you again.

Why would you feel 'guilty'? He's someone in another country that you've never met, and whose main function in your life is to be a drain on your time.

muggart · 09/07/2025 11:07

Gasolinehorseys · 09/07/2025 11:00

Yes, he knows where I live. I moved house and he wanted to send me a package of his shirt, chocolate and Magic the gathering stuff which I've told him multiple times I don't want to play that stupid game with him. Ive told him so many times that I want to break it off but he keeps telling me I'm only saying it because I'm due on my period or I'm having a bad time. I can't tell if I do actually like him or not. He lives in Germany and he keeps fantasising about me moving there with him, the first month we met he even started asking around for jobs for me, I didn't ask him to do that. He insisted on buying a plane ticket for me even though I told him I didn't want him to. He bought the ticket, I didn't go because I really didn't want to, he made me feel guilty about it and wanted the money back. He knows I don't have many friends so he knows I always have time for him unless I'm working. Sorry for the long post.

The longer this goes on for the harder you will find it to disentangle yourself from this lunatic.

You need to understand and accept that:
Breakups are uncomfortable
You don’t need his consent to break up with him
It’s ok to hurt his feelings
It’s GOOD to put yourself first
He can cry and whine and complain. That is on him. Breakups are not supposed to be easy.

Just tell him you are done because you don’t love him and you don’t want to be in a relationship. Then block him and never message him again.

Original poster
Gasolinehorseys · 09/07/2025 11:09

I'm 33, he's 32. I know I should know better but I don't have a lot of experience with relationships. I'm not very confident in myself, and dating and men are difficult things for me to deal with. I have one night stands knowing it won't go any further because relationships are alien to me. This guy is getting on my nerves and ruining my peace. I know it's on me but ending it seems impossible.

OP posts:
Jawdrop · 09/07/2025 11:09

Gasolinehorseys · 09/07/2025 11:00

Yes, he knows where I live. I moved house and he wanted to send me a package of his shirt, chocolate and Magic the gathering stuff which I've told him multiple times I don't want to play that stupid game with him. Ive told him so many times that I want to break it off but he keeps telling me I'm only saying it because I'm due on my period or I'm having a bad time. I can't tell if I do actually like him or not. He lives in Germany and he keeps fantasising about me moving there with him, the first month we met he even started asking around for jobs for me, I didn't ask him to do that. He insisted on buying a plane ticket for me even though I told him I didn't want him to. He bought the ticket, I didn't go because I really didn't want to, he made me feel guilty about it and wanted the money back. He knows I don't have many friends so he knows I always have time for him unless I'm working. Sorry for the long post.

OP, are you very young, or in some way vulnerable? Is this your first 'relationship'?

Because you don't need to tell someone you want to break it off. You just break it off. Neither do you need his permission to do so. No one can 'make' you feel guilty, either. He bought you something you hadn't asked for and didn't want. He doesn't get to ask you to refund him.

sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway · 09/07/2025 11:09

Block, block, block

muggart · 09/07/2025 11:10

Just to reiterate- some men will never accept being dumped. They will harrass and pursue the object of their affection for years just to get what they want by whatever means possible. They don’t care that the woman isn’t actually interested. So why should you care about the feelings of men like that?

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 09/07/2025 11:11

Gasolinehorseys · 09/07/2025 10:50

Yes I am, not as much as I used to be, but I know I will feel guilty for breaking things off with him. He keeps telling me he loves me and he's attached to me and I worry how he'll be once I end things. I ended it with him once and he called my mother saying he was worried about me. @muggart

Don't give in to the emotional blackmail. My DD's boyfriend tried that with her when she broke it off. Kept begging her and saying she had broken his heart and that his life was worthless without her. How he copes is not your problem and you need to know that. He will be fine. Its okay for people to feel heartbreak, we all do at some point in our lives. Its not your responsibility to worry how he will get over it.

You say you ended it with him once before so he has obviously given you bad vibes before this.

Grow a pair and cut him loose.

Jawdrop · 09/07/2025 11:11

Gasolinehorseys · 09/07/2025 11:09

I'm 33, he's 32. I know I should know better but I don't have a lot of experience with relationships. I'm not very confident in myself, and dating and men are difficult things for me to deal with. I have one night stands knowing it won't go any further because relationships are alien to me. This guy is getting on my nerves and ruining my peace. I know it's on me but ending it seems impossible.

Oh, OP.

I think you would benefit from therapy to figure out what sounds like self-esteem issues.

This isn't a relationship. You've never met. He's only adding negativity to your life. You don't have to do anything other than block him and delete his number, and tell anyone else whose contact details he has to block him likewise.

muggart · 09/07/2025 11:13

Gasolinehorseys · 09/07/2025 11:09

I'm 33, he's 32. I know I should know better but I don't have a lot of experience with relationships. I'm not very confident in myself, and dating and men are difficult things for me to deal with. I have one night stands knowing it won't go any further because relationships are alien to me. This guy is getting on my nerves and ruining my peace. I know it's on me but ending it seems impossible.

Why is it impossible though? Explain what the barriers are.

There’s a news article today about a woman who was guilted into seeing her ex on his birthday because he didnt have any other friends. He repayed her for her kindness by raping and killing her.

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 09/07/2025 11:14

Jeez. End it. Block him. The only true relationship is with someone you have met in person. Onky then can you judge what they are really like. You sound as though you need therapy. This is not a normal, healthy adult relationship.

mylittlekomododragon · 09/07/2025 11:14

Block, and get your mum to block him too.

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 09/07/2025 11:15

Gasolinehorseys · 09/07/2025 11:09

I'm 33, he's 32. I know I should know better but I don't have a lot of experience with relationships. I'm not very confident in myself, and dating and men are difficult things for me to deal with. I have one night stands knowing it won't go any further because relationships are alien to me. This guy is getting on my nerves and ruining my peace. I know it's on me but ending it seems impossible.

It is not impossible. Just tell him you are no longer invested in this relationship. Then the only way to cut him loose is to block his number and block him from all social media accounts. If he tries to call your Mum then tell her to also block him. This is what we did with my DD's boyfriend. He was blocked by all of us on everything!!!

Honestly its the best thing my DD did and she was free to live her own life again. She is now engaged to a fabulous guy that loves her and treats her well so there is life after this guy and there will be others.

SnowFrogJelly · 09/07/2025 11:15

Why is he just an online boyfriend? Sounds like hard work

Blank1234 · 09/07/2025 11:17

Honestly mumsnet just gets weirder every day 😵‍💫😵‍💫

Stormroses · 09/07/2025 11:17

A relationship that is exclusively online is not a proper, full relationship. A controlling man is not a good choice of partner for anyone. Finish with him and explain why. You can then block him and delete any connections you had with him.

baloobs · 09/07/2025 11:19

I would make out to him you are having to move home on such and such a date... then pretend you have moved before blocking him!! That way he will be less likely to check out your address if he thinks you are no longer there.. you need and deserve peace lovely.. not a control freak despite being in Germany! Imagine if he turned up how intense he would be. Play it safe xx

Original poster
Gasolinehorseys · 09/07/2025 11:19

I do have therapy, and funnily enough self esteem issues did come up and it has helped me so much. The only thing is I haven't spoken to her about this online relationship because I'm too embarrassed to. I know so much more and I know what I need to do. He's just holding me back and making me feel bad for everything I do. I like to have a drink and yeah I get a bit silly and say some regrettable things when I'm talking to him and he likes to remind me the next day that he didn't like what I said. I'm a sensible person, I just like to do silly things sometimes like take MDMA and speed once in a while. He doesn't like it and it makes me feel bad for doing this stuff. I'm living with four guys and a girl at the moment and he gets paranoid whenever I go to the commun al are aand kitchen. It's just not working man. Ending things just seems hard.

OP posts:
Ansjovis · 09/07/2025 11:20

Can you show your mum this thread? I really think you need help, ultimately from a professional but as a matter of urgency you need support to block this person and cease all communication.

You may not have confidence, and that's okay because there's help out there to address that. However, you have a virtual room full of women who do have confidence in these matters telling you that this is a dangerous situation. Please listen to us.