Husband won’t let me do the food shop *[content warning: concerns coercive control and financial and sexual abuse]

[Becksta1]

Hi everyone. Apologises for this completely random post but I would like some advice. For years now my husband has insisted on doing the food shop, on the very rare occasion that I do it he complains if I buy a couple of things that aren’t on the list. I broke down in tears a couple of weeks ago, well actually I’ve done this a few times, and shared with him that I would like to sometimes do the shop. He says I can’t because he doesn’t trust me to stick to the list. I know what he means, and it’s normally not big purchases but say if there’s a spice mix for example on special buy that I thought might be nice I’d probably buy it. It’s not a big purchase, it never would be. It could even be that I might pick up strawberries if I saw them and thought me or the kids or even my hubby might like to eat them. It’s never a lot, maybe only one or two additions at small costs. I know he does this too, in fact he doesn’t have a list when he goes shopping so I’m not sure what really counts. It’s not a money thing, if anything I’m the one that worries more about overspending. I’m not sure.
The other thing is he asks what I want to eat when he’s planning a shop (he likes to make dinner) when I put suggestions forward even if I offer to cook he basically says no so I don’t know why he’s even asking. He likes convenience food and I’m trying to eat more nourishing food. It’s got to a point now where I just don’t say because he’ll shut me down.
I find it very confusing and am looking for some advice really on how I could maybe prove that I can be trusted with things or be included in decisions around food and shopping.
Hope you’re all enjoying the sun xx

Is he controlling in other ways because this is not normal behaviour?

You don’t need to be trusted to do the food shop….

My DH has come back with tents and all sorts. If it’s affordable then I don’t see a huge issue, though it is a bit annoying sometimes.

You really need to tell your husband this upsets you and you’ll be doing the food shop every other week and cooking x number of times a week.

Do you work? Do you have access to money of your own? Are you free to leave the house and go somewhere and buy things if you need or want to? Are you able to go out and meet up with friends if you want to?

This is potentially very serious, OP.

I agree that this sounds very coercive.

I agree with pointythings. He must be incredibly controlling if you don't feel able to go to the shop and buy the food you want. I hope you're ok.

It's not about the spice mix, it's about control.

Do an online shop from somewhere like Tesco, then you won't be swayed by middle aisles or bulk buy bargains because you won't physically be there to see them, and you can both add to the online basket if you both share the log in details.

It’s controlling.

Why can you just go and buy what you want? Can you drive or walk to a shop? Do you have money?

Let him do the food shop and then just go and get whatever you want. You are allowed to do that. You are allowed to eat what you want when you want to. You don’t have to eat the same thing.

He sounds horribly controlling OP. I do the majority of food shopping in my house because my husband does the same, buys a load of random shit we don't need. But I'd never dream of telling him he's not allowed to do it at all because of this. If he expressed desire to shop and cook he's more than welcome to.

It's not your partner's place to allow you to do anything at all, he's not your boss, you're equals.

Financial abuse…

I am genuinely a crap shopper, I’ll spend £100
and basically it’s all snacks, no meals. DH hates me food shopping as he knows he will need to go again. He would never ban me from doing it though. He never moans at me for what I’ve spent.

What would happen if you did the food shop the day before he was going to?
Would he punish you in any way, sulking, not speaking, threatening you etc?

It isn't normal and if this is alongside other things you need to seek help

Wow. I'd not have lasted five minutes with this man. Is he obsessive over other things? Do you think he has autism traits? That might explain why he's so insistent that nothing is bought except what is on the list, especially if he plans out in great detail exactly what will be eaten each week and gets stressed at the thought of not sticking rigidly to it.

Or he's just a financially abusive and controlling arsehole. Actually even if the reason is autism, he's still a financially abusive and controlling arsehole.

advice really on how I could maybe prove that I can be trusted with things or be included in decisions around food and shopping.
even if you win his “trust” with this, something else will pop up, he’s a controlling person, asks you what you want to eat and ignores it, won’t let you do the shopping? He sounds awful, you’re a grownup and he’s stopping you eating what you want

What is his reason for this? The only real reason I could think of this being okay is if you were on a very tight budget and living month to month? Do you have financial issues?

I can imagine this is such a miserable life for you. You have no control over what you eat . I mean there’s budgeting then there’s an abuser and you’re being abused … control is abuse and this is financial control . You are not a child you should be able to get a choice over the food shopping .

Echoing what other posters are saying and wondering what kind of father he is as you mention children. Does he control what they do too? Are you financially independent ie working or is he the only earner?

Edited for typo

OP this is awful.
He controls what you eat, he controls what you spend money on. Do you have access to money? Can you make any decisions at all, or do you have to run everything by your husband?
Do you have a job or are you entirely dependent on what he earns?
You are in a very bad place and its going to take a lot of time and courage to get out of it.

Take away the strawberries and the spice.

Suggestions on how to be trusted with things and be included in decision making for shopping.

This is controlling behaviour. Very unhealthy I’m afraid.

What do other aspects of your relationship look like OP?

You need to be able to buy things you might like or even see on offer, I am so sorry he is so controlling and he is making you miserable, we are all for a shopping list but you have to be able to go off list if you fancy, what else does he control.

So you have never been. Able to plan and cook meals?

Can you just go ahead and do what you want eg do you have access to money? If he questions it just say ‘you’re being controlling, I’m a grown adult I am able to buy our food shopping’

is it safe to challenge him? What would he do to you if you don’t ‘obey’ him

Very controlling of him. Do you feel safe around him generally?

💯I bet there’s major sulking, what an arse he is OP!! How dare he not ‘let you’ do the shopping

My husband goes to Aldi and comes back with some really random crap and various things that don’t make a meal. I don’t forbid him from going because I’m not controlling and we can afford it. Do you have access to the finances and a joint bank account? Do you have your own savings account? Why won’t he buy the food you want?