Husband won’t let me do the food shop *[content warning: concerns coercive control and financial and sexual abuse]

[Becksta1]

Hi everyone. Apologises for this completely random post but I would like some advice. For years now my husband has insisted on doing the food shop, on the very rare occasion that I do it he complains if I buy a couple of things that aren’t on the list. I broke down in tears a couple of weeks ago, well actually I’ve done this a few times, and shared with him that I would like to sometimes do the shop. He says I can’t because he doesn’t trust me to stick to the list. I know what he means, and it’s normally not big purchases but say if there’s a spice mix for example on special buy that I thought might be nice I’d probably buy it. It’s not a big purchase, it never would be. It could even be that I might pick up strawberries if I saw them and thought me or the kids or even my hubby might like to eat them. It’s never a lot, maybe only one or two additions at small costs. I know he does this too, in fact he doesn’t have a list when he goes shopping so I’m not sure what really counts. It’s not a money thing, if anything I’m the one that worries more about overspending. I’m not sure.
The other thing is he asks what I want to eat when he’s planning a shop (he likes to make dinner) when I put suggestions forward even if I offer to cook he basically says no so I don’t know why he’s even asking. He likes convenience food and I’m trying to eat more nourishing food. It’s got to a point now where I just don’t say because he’ll shut me down.
I find it very confusing and am looking for some advice really on how I could maybe prove that I can be trusted with things or be included in decisions around food and shopping.
Hope you’re all enjoying the sun xx

Do you have money of your own?

Just do the shop yourself while he’s at work if you can. The world will not end.

He is extremely controlling and financially abusive.

I suspect that this is just the tip of the iceberg, isn't it?

He sounds autistic

Ffs

There's no reason it should be either him or you that shops.
He can buy his junk food and you can shop for your healthy stuff.

You can cook yours and he can microwave his.

I have friends where the wife buys all the general shopping, but her husband buys all the meat. I've no idea why and never asked, but it works for them.

What about your clothes or household goods and soft furnishings. Are you free to choose?

Gracious. My partner is awful at doing a food shop unless a list is involved. We've not had an inflatable kayak from the specials aisle (yet!) but some random 'I just saw etc etc' things. I wouldn't dream of banning them from doing the shop!
I meal plan with input, do a list, one of us goes to do the shop. Sometimes if we both happen to be home at the same time, we both go.
If you're not allowed to be involved in meal planning, shopping, cooking, something is far wrong in your relationship. What else are you not allowed to do?
At the least there seems to be financial control and abuse happening to you. I'd hazard a guess at coercive control too. If coercive control isn't yet happening, it's only a matter of time.
Take care, I hope you are safe, and please think about contacting women's aid. Check that he can't get onto your device where you're logged in here either.

Like fuck would I put up with that, or with having to eat shite convenience food instead of the food I wanted. Like others, I am very keen to know if he's controlling in other areas of your marriage.

Aren’t you an adult with your own money and free will to go into a supermarket?

Just go and buy the ingredients for meals you want to cook. Sounds awful living off convenience food.
You are not a captured slave. You have the right to choose what you want to eat.
If you can’t stand up to him in this then you really need to leave.

wtf am I reading? You can’t buy any food for yourself? You’re an adult and don’t need permission to buy food. So what if you get things that aren’t on the list. You can do what you want. If he sulks leave him to it and carry on.

OFFS!

OP, are you okay?
Have you read the replies?

Hi Greg

This is not the problem.

That’s really odd.

Can you buy your own groceries? If so I’d recommend you buy your own bits and bobs. It’s still not right though. I recommend you confront him (rationally) and if he’s incapable of that you should start to consider your options.

He sounds like an abusive, controlling cunt.

OP, it makes me genuinely sad for you that you can’t buy strawberries for your family without consequence. A very bleak situation.

Could you contact Women’s Aid for a chat when you’re alone?

How do you split finances?
You either need separate bank accounts or an agreed amount of his and hers freedom
Money to spend on whatever you like.
Then you buy your things that you want from that. He can make convenience food, you make healthy food.

If he doesn't agree to the above then he is abusive op, especially if you are afraid to have the above very very normal conversation.

Maybe he wants to keep you at a bigger weight feeling bad about yourself so you don't leave him?

Do you have couples friends? Bring it up in conversation with them and see how incredulous they will be at your disgusting excuse of a man who you have married!

Are his parents like this, does his dad rule the roost and treat his mum like shit?

Are your children frightened of him?

Just tell him not to buy your food as you’ll sort your own food shop out and cook your own evening meal. He’s welcome to eat what you cook but if not you’ll just do enough for you.

I hope he’s not controlling with family money. Do you work?

You can do my food shop if you want - please!

More seriously, this sounds a bit odd and controlling. Have you discussed it with him? If he's concerned about budget, perhaps you could agree on one in advance. Really annoying that he is holding you back from eating more healthily.

"Let me"? "Prove I can be trusted"? You sound like a child talking about their dad.

Maybe just do a second shop and get the things you want? And if he's got any complaints, tell him where he can shove them. Seriously, you need to put a stop to this yesterday.

Some posters on here really have no idea what it’s like to be in a controlling relationship. One poster saying just go shopping it’s not the end of the world …. You really should be glad that to YOU it’s not the end of the world and that you have that choice … sadly the OP doesn’t seem to have the same choice .

Until you’ve walked the egg shells of the control , you cant understand … and be glad you can’t …

OMFG autism is not an excuse for controlling behaviour! I'm so sick of seeing male controlling behaviour swept under the carpet like this.