Husband won’t let me do the food shop *[content warning: concerns coercive control and financial and sexual abuse]

[Becksta1]

Hi everyone. Apologises for this completely random post but I would like some advice. For years now my husband has insisted on doing the food shop, on the very rare occasion that I do it he complains if I buy a couple of things that aren’t on the list. I broke down in tears a couple of weeks ago, well actually I’ve done this a few times, and shared with him that I would like to sometimes do the shop. He says I can’t because he doesn’t trust me to stick to the list. I know what he means, and it’s normally not big purchases but say if there’s a spice mix for example on special buy that I thought might be nice I’d probably buy it. It’s not a big purchase, it never would be. It could even be that I might pick up strawberries if I saw them and thought me or the kids or even my hubby might like to eat them. It’s never a lot, maybe only one or two additions at small costs. I know he does this too, in fact he doesn’t have a list when he goes shopping so I’m not sure what really counts. It’s not a money thing, if anything I’m the one that worries more about overspending. I’m not sure.
The other thing is he asks what I want to eat when he’s planning a shop (he likes to make dinner) when I put suggestions forward even if I offer to cook he basically says no so I don’t know why he’s even asking. He likes convenience food and I’m trying to eat more nourishing food. It’s got to a point now where I just don’t say because he’ll shut me down.
I find it very confusing and am looking for some advice really on how I could maybe prove that I can be trusted with things or be included in decisions around food and shopping.
Hope you’re all enjoying the sun xx

Yeh lose him asap

Get rid of him asap

I agree with all the others who say it's a very controlling way to behave.

The food shop is probably the tip of the iceberg wrt your DH's behaviour, but if we are comparing notes on food shopping, Yes, I prefer to do the majority of the food shop as I'm the one who cooks and therefore knows what's in the cupboards/fridge and I also prefer not to buy UPFs if possible. DH does pick up bits as he works near a supermarket and he buys his own fruit as we eat different fruits and he prefers to pick his own. No-one is forbidden to buy anything although we may eye roll at some 'unecessary' purchases or if we've bought something we already have, but that's normal I would say.
DH is also out of the house for dinner 1-2 x a week on his own for work meetings or he stays late when he does a sport so there is no point buying too much or it goes off - we are empty nesters in the main!

Your DH is unreasonable. I once came back from grocery shopping with a brand new Cube Litening bike (~£8k), and I’ve not been banned from doing the weekly shop. Tell him to STFU, and let you shop.

You say he always chooses convenience foods, and he does the cooking. Would I be correct in thinking that maybe he doesn't know how (or want to) make meals from scratch? Not allowing you to cook though is a bit weird unless you burn everything (which I am not suggesting is the case). He sounds very, very controlling.

Hi OP, just had to comment to say this sounds really worrying. It's not actually about the shopping but about your partner thinking it's ok to tell you what to do and you feeling powerless to change it. Is your partner controlling in other aspects of your life - for instance where you go, who you see and speak to, what you wear, what chores he thinks you should do, how you spend your money?

If any of this rings a bell, it sounds like he is controlling you and that is abuse. You can speak to Women's Aid for advice. Do you have family and friends who can support you?

This is what financial abuse looks like.

I do the Tesco run. I enjoy it. Often come back with random stuff we don’t need. Dh has never commented or banned me from doing it. It sounds like he needs to be in control OP

@Becksta1 I hope you are ok, I felt sad reading your post. It reminded me of my ex husband who used to check I had stuck to the budget when I used to return from the shops.

It’s controlling behaviour, if you can drive and have access to money, just do your own list and go to the shops, you don’t need his permission xx

This is extremely concerning. It isn't about the shopping list, it's about him controlling what you can and cannot do and use of language like "allowed", "let me" and "prove it." It is not normal behaviour in a relationship, even if it is what you are used to.

What would happen if you told him you were doing the food shop?

Do you feel able to challenge him?

Do you work and have access to money?

Are you allowed to go out whenever you want?

Do you see friends and family without your DH being there?

You are an adult. He's not your dad. You are allowed to eat whatever meals you want.

Do you have access to your own money ? If yes buy your own food. If no he is financially abusing you contact Women’s Aid urgently

Leave. This is insane. I can't believe how many people are suggesting you work within the confines of what he's doing to you. GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!

You’re a grown woman of course you can buy strawberries or a spice mix 😂😂😂

What do you mean doesn’t « let » you? Its not his decision what you buy.

Are you on the bread line? If not you can buy whatever fruit or spices you damn well please.

Id get it if you were significantly overspending and you were literally about to lose your home but it doesn’t sound like that.

Do you work and/ or collect benefits? That’s your money. Are you married? Then your earnings are shared. Do you share children, a home or finances? Those earnings are shared.

Echoing other comments, but this is not normal at all. This is controlling, abusive behaviour. Im shocked. Please please get out of this relationship.

Won’t let you do the shop?! What are you? 6 years old and your Dad is telling you off.

OP you are a grown adult woman who is well within her rights as a human to go and buy food. He is not the boss of you.

He's a controlling weirdo. You don't need to be 'let' or 'allowed' to do anything, you are not a child. You need to find a backbone and tell him to fuck himself quite honestly. Then do a food shop.

Is this the tip of the iceberg in his behaviour op?

I think a a lot of people are really really not understanding this. The OP would not be posing these questions/telling her story in the way she does if she COULD "just tell him to STFU/ just go and do the shopping herself/ just buy what she wants/ just leave him". Those suggestions are of no use to her as initial actions. They are from people who are privileged with full agency in their life/relationship who can't imagine it otherwise.

The question to ask first is: exactly what would happen if you did tell him "I am doing the shopping today", and then put your wallet in your pocket and walked out to go and do it? Either immediately or later.

Oh my - is that really the advice you're after? I thought you were going to ask something completely different!!!

And telling her to "find a backbone" is decidedly unhelpful and victim blaming. Please don't do that.

And all those saying "what do you mean, he doesn't let you?" need to have a bit of a think about what this does mean...

Do you have access to money? Can you go to a shop? What happens if you just go buy stuff outside the weekly shop?

Have you spoken to anyone about this?
he is abusing you, controlling what you can do. You say he buys extras too, so why is he shopping?
The fact that you’re crying over it is understandable and worrying.
please get support from people you trust and who care. This isn’t normal .

OP of course you can do the food shop, just go and do it whenever you want and if you don't want what he insists on cooking, make yourself a different meal, nobody can force someone to eat things they don't prefer

What other does he control you.