Husband won’t let me do the food shop *[content warning: concerns coercive control and financial and sexual abuse]

[Becksta1]

Hi everyone. Apologises for this completely random post but I would like some advice. For years now my husband has insisted on doing the food shop, on the very rare occasion that I do it he complains if I buy a couple of things that aren’t on the list. I broke down in tears a couple of weeks ago, well actually I’ve done this a few times, and shared with him that I would like to sometimes do the shop. He says I can’t because he doesn’t trust me to stick to the list. I know what he means, and it’s normally not big purchases but say if there’s a spice mix for example on special buy that I thought might be nice I’d probably buy it. It’s not a big purchase, it never would be. It could even be that I might pick up strawberries if I saw them and thought me or the kids or even my hubby might like to eat them. It’s never a lot, maybe only one or two additions at small costs. I know he does this too, in fact he doesn’t have a list when he goes shopping so I’m not sure what really counts. It’s not a money thing, if anything I’m the one that worries more about overspending. I’m not sure.
The other thing is he asks what I want to eat when he’s planning a shop (he likes to make dinner) when I put suggestions forward even if I offer to cook he basically says no so I don’t know why he’s even asking. He likes convenience food and I’m trying to eat more nourishing food. It’s got to a point now where I just don’t say because he’ll shut me down.
I find it very confusing and am looking for some advice really on how I could maybe prove that I can be trusted with things or be included in decisions around food and shopping.
Hope you’re all enjoying the sun xx

More nonsense

You are an adult OP and have a right to make choices in your life and family life. Including of course shopping for food and what meals you eat.
There are red flags here, it sounds like very worrying behavior from your husband.
Is he controlling in other ways ? Do you have access to money ?

I’m sorry that you are experiencing this. You do not have to prove anything to your DH. What makes him the one in charge of what is ok/not ok? It sounds to me like he has made you feel very small and so you are looking at this through that lens. As an outsider looking in, it sounds to me like he is unacceptably controlling. What great powers of decision making on a food shop does he have that you do not? Why do you have no say at all on what meals you as a grown adult eat? You say he doesn’t like you buying the odd extra but then he does that himself. The food choices he’s making are convenience food so hardly show better decision making in terms of food choice for your family. You said you burst into tears a few weeks ago, and I think your body is telling you this behaviour is not ok. The fact you’ve posted here shows you are processing in your mind that this is not ok. I’d suggest therapy of some kind if possible to unpack things a little and gain strength. It sounds to me like you may need to make some hard life choices but it may take time to get to that as he has made you feel like you can’t trust yourself. But you really can. And we are all rooting for you. Good luck x

This is weird and controlling behaviour. What else does he "insist" on? Have you got family you can discuss this with? Is he in charge of all your finances? Sounds like you might need to get out of this relationship.

Hi. I’m ok thank you, I’m just very much processing what I’ve read as it’s a bit of a shock to me. I will reply properly when I can xx

He’s an abusive controlling cunt - nothing else to add really

You know that this is abuse OP even if it’s just deep down you know that it’s not right that is why you are posting. Please consider contacting women’s aid for advice.

In a normal healthy relationship there is no ‘letting’ each other do anything or having to prove ourselves worthy of doing something as simple as the food shop. I am the absolute worst at food shopping I forget essentials and buy loads of random crap but no way would by DH ban me from it and if he tried to no way would I just sit back and accept it.

It will be hard OP but hopefully this thread is opening your eyes.

@Becksta1 Jeeze ! He controls what you eat . He doesn’t let you shop or spend .
He doesn’t give you choices.
What else op?

Leave ! I say this as they you can Cook and buy your kids and yourself healthy nutritional foods .
Do you work , do you have any income or access to the family money ?

He’s controlling. Of course you can go and do the food shop and if he doesn’t allow you to then I’d be leaving him and then you can shop every day of the week if you want to!

Hope you’re ok OP. Hopefully, although very difficult, you will realise what is going on isn’t right. I think you need to look at what would happen if you went shopping anyway? Do you work/have access to money? Sending you strength to resolve this.

The title of your thread says it all OP

No grown adult should be in a position of being ‘let’ to do anything, let alone something as basic as right as being able to choose their own food!
The fact that you have so casually accepted this makes me think you’ve been very much worn down into accepting this behaviour in pretty much every aspect of your life.
You are married to a controlling arse. Time to make plans for an exit from this miserable relationship

Many many wise words posted already.

Understandably, the abuse comments may be hard to take in, but at the very least please be aware - nobody sticks to the list, nobody. Your H is a dick.

He sounds abusive.

There fixed it for you.

This, Op @Becksta1

just go to the supermarket, you don’t need his permission

My ex-husband was exactly like this - give away in the title 'ex' . Its like I wasn't trusted to stick to the list.. I once bought a couple of toilet fresheners and that was being frivolous.. funny thing was, I was the breadwinner, he didn't work for 11 years. He used to be very organised which was good in some ways, dinner always on the table when I got home (had to let him know at the start of the week when I wanted dinner) I saw it positively for years but now I see that it was mild controlling behaviour. I couldn't have a spontaneous drink after work with colleagues or a last minute night out, if I did he wouldn't be happy and often got the silent treatment.

I wish my husband would do the shopping, or at least come with me!

On a more serious note, it sounds like he is controlling or has like an OCD/obsession. Has he always been this way with the shopping or food. Did he live on his own previously.

Is this limited to food shopping and meals or does he try and control other aspects of your life?

Reach out for support so you can get away from this awful controlling arsehole.

I hope to god there are not children in this toxic environment.

If not, tell family and friends the truth and leave.

Oh wow this is some different level of abuse. I am so sorry op @Becksta1

This has to be seem as part of a bigger picture, essentially - is he controlling in other ways? TBH I always do our food shop, DH and DS rarely get involved - it works better for us that way, but of course I ask if they need/want anything specific and generally add to the list.

My first thought was controlling behaviour but then my mind went to spending addiction. I know someone who insists on doing the food shopping to the point that they telll their partner they’re hopeless at it (similar to your own situation) but it’s because they have a spending addiction and food shopping is another outlet for them.

I agree....I'm shocked at how controlling some partners can be...yes it's your husband...but No ....you can buy and eat want you want 🤬

This isn’t normal. I tend to do the food shop (more online than in person) and yes I buy extras on the list. Little treats like strawberries or cream cakes for the whole family. If my husband does the shop (which he would do but doesn’t really like it and only would in person) he buys really random extras. It’s a family joke so occasionally we ask him to go to see what wonderful and weird stuff we will get that week 😂. I never berate him for what he’s bought and he doesn’t me. The only thing that mildly annoys me is if he does the shop then complains he doesn’t fancy anything in the house for lunch.

@Becksta1 you're the boiling frog:

If you throw a frog into boiling water, the shock of the extreme heat causes the frog to jump straight out again.

But if you put the frog in cold water, and gradually heat it up, the frog boils.

Your husband is exerting coercive control. It's against the law:

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

He’s an arse. It doesn’t have to be like this

This is not ok. We would never not allow the other person to do the food shop.
Do you work or does he have the sole income? Either way this is not on, but if he is controlling all the income and expenditure then you being treated like a child.
The most control the other person has in our relationahip would be to say, can you pick up x while you are at the shop or sag, can you not spend over x amount as we have that bill coming out for example. Other than that ita no business of mine what my husband spenda his money on as its no business of his what I spend mine on. We also never even write a shopping list. Just go there, and buy whatever I need or want.
Your situation is incredibly controlled and really very sad. I would look at leaving him tbh.