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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Husband won’t let me do the food shop *[content warning: concerns coercive control and financial and sexual abuse]

274 replies

Becksta1 · 08/07/2025 21:57

Hi everyone. Apologises for this completely random post but I would like some advice. For years now my husband has insisted on doing the food shop, on the very rare occasion that I do it he complains if I buy a couple of things that aren’t on the list. I broke down in tears a couple of weeks ago, well actually I’ve done this a few times, and shared with him that I would like to sometimes do the shop. He says I can’t because he doesn’t trust me to stick to the list. I know what he means, and it’s normally not big purchases but say if there’s a spice mix for example on special buy that I thought might be nice I’d probably buy it. It’s not a big purchase, it never would be. It could even be that I might pick up strawberries if I saw them and thought me or the kids or even my hubby might like to eat them. It’s never a lot, maybe only one or two additions at small costs. I know he does this too, in fact he doesn’t have a list when he goes shopping so I’m not sure what really counts. It’s not a money thing, if anything I’m the one that worries more about overspending. I’m not sure.
The other thing is he asks what I want to eat when he’s planning a shop (he likes to make dinner) when I put suggestions forward even if I offer to cook he basically says no so I don’t know why he’s even asking. He likes convenience food and I’m trying to eat more nourishing food. It’s got to a point now where I just don’t say because he’ll shut me down.
I find it very confusing and am looking for some advice really on how I could maybe prove that I can be trusted with things or be included in decisions around food and shopping.
Hope you’re all enjoying the sun xx

OP posts:
Cardinalita90 · 08/07/2025 23:17

Does he have to pick your toiletries and sanitary products too? 🙄 What a controlling arse. What does he say when you tell him you're not happy with this? He's treating you like a child.

flyingbuttress43 · 08/07/2025 23:19

OP: you're an adult. He's your husband, not your boss. This is 2025. Stand up for yourself and if you haven't got a job, get one - quickly. This is about more than food. It's about control.

NoCyclingInTheUKforMe · 08/07/2025 23:19

JudgeBread · 08/07/2025 22:04

He sounds horribly controlling OP. I do the majority of food shopping in my house because my husband does the same, buys a load of random shit we don't need. But I'd never dream of telling him he's not allowed to do it at all because of this. If he expressed desire to shop and cook he's more than welcome to.

It's not your partner's place to allow you to do anything at all, he's not your boss, you're equals.

100% agree. This is how it is in our house too!

Donenow1 · 08/07/2025 23:21

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/07/2025 23:09

How do you split finances?
You either need separate bank accounts or an agreed amount of his and hers freedom
Money to spend on whatever you like.
Then you buy your things that you want from that. He can make convenience food, you make healthy food.

If he doesn't agree to the above then he is abusive op, especially if you are afraid to have the above very very normal conversation.

Maybe he wants to keep you at a bigger weight feeling bad about yourself so you don't leave him?

I would absolutely echo this... My husband's granddaughter from his first marriage was married to a very very controlling man... basically he kept her fat as a form of control. The marriage luckily ended when they had a huge argument and a listening, vigilant neighbour immediately called the Police..

Rabbitsockpeony · 08/07/2025 23:22

Idontjetwashthefucker · 08/07/2025 21:59

Is he controlling in other ways because this is not normal behaviour?

Very much this. This is alarming. Especially as he’s only buying utter shit anyway.

Acheyelbows · 08/07/2025 23:25

If you have the money, do a smaller midweek shop and purchase healthy items that you would like to eat. Fruits should not be a restricted purchase, if they are left to go off, buy fresh and freeze them or buy frozen. Is he only buying strawberries when on a deal or something?

Are you struggling to pay your bills or trying to over pay on your mortgage? You shouldn't need permission to go to a shop. Does he feel he has to make use of everything you buy and he doesn't want to have to prepare different meals? You could take on cooking one evening a week to begin with so that you get to choose the food.

My husband is the shopper in our household and he doesn't like me going to certain shops as I have a need for all sorts of random crap when I see it but I can and do pop into shops or shop online whenever I want.
Instead of visiting the middle aisles I look through the Lidl & Aldi catalogues and if I genuinely could use something he is happy to buy it when he goes or I'll call in myself when it comes out.

Bbq1 · 08/07/2025 23:32

Lots of people are missing the point. If Op's husband is also controlling in other ways (extremely likely) she's not going to have the means or opportunity to, "just go shopping". It's not even really about the shopping.

Gremlins101 · 08/07/2025 23:35

This is crazy OP. How exactly can he stop you? Does he control you financially? I think this sounds vey serious.

My husband overspend when he shops. He buys things like chocolate milk as a treat, and always chooses the best quality ingredients for cooking. I don't mind as I think it makes a nice change from my bland cooking and he only shops at the weekend.

Dinopoppypoops · 08/07/2025 23:37

The only reply to anything that starts with "my husband won't let me ..." Is leave him.
I'm sorry.

MusicVortex · 08/07/2025 23:39

Sounds like controlling / coercive behaviour to me. If not nipped in the bud this situation could get way worse. You are an adult and do not need anyone's permission to live your life as you please. If you haven't got your own money, there is a lot of help available. Google local refuges, even if you do not act on anything immediately, know your options.

WhyCantISayFork · 08/07/2025 23:40

I’m so sorry your relationship is like this. The problem is not that you can’t be trusted, it’s that he is extremely controlling.

DeepRubySwan · 08/07/2025 23:43

This is controlling

Renoonabudget · 08/07/2025 23:45

gamerchick · 08/07/2025 22:22

Do you have money of your own?

Edited

This, OP do you have access to money? I would let him get on with it and then just go out and buy the stuff you want on top. But no, this is not normal OP. Xx

If you are completely reliant on him financially and even the minutiae of what you're allowed to eat (and he is completely unmoved by you breaking down about it) that is finacial abuse and coercive control and you need to consider reaching out to woman's aid.

Sending love and strength OP xx Well done for reaching out.

researchers3 · 08/07/2025 23:46

Makingpeace · 08/07/2025 22:02

Do an online shop from somewhere like Tesco, then you won't be swayed by middle aisles or bulk buy bargains because you won't physically be there to see them, and you can both add to the online basket if you both share the log in details.

Edited

Not really the point here!!

Iwiicit · 08/07/2025 23:49

This situation is not normal and not right. Can you tell us a bit more about your life so that people can offer more help?

alexdgr8 · 08/07/2025 23:54

OP have you come from another culture or country where males are regarded as superior?
Or why have you put up with this.
Why do you accept that he is in charge of you?
How did you get to this point?

realsavagelike · 08/07/2025 23:54

simsbustinoutmimi · 08/07/2025 22:27

He sounds autistic

Whoops, you made a typo! It's spelled 'abusive'. There, fixed it.

CheeseyOnionPie · 08/07/2025 23:59

He’s controlling. No one is allowed to stop you from eating what you want to eat.

Tell him to fuck off. If he’s weird about it then leave him, he sounds like a dick.

SameDayNewName · 09/07/2025 00:05

Goodness OP, you're a grown woman! You are allowed to decide what you eat! My OH eats a load of shite too - wouldn't occur to me to eat it in a million years. Because I had to eat the same meals as him? It's a wild concept, sorry he has convinced you that this is a normal state of affairs. Hope you are okay x

CautiousLurker01 · 09/07/2025 00:16

I hope you read the posts here and seek support from a women’s aid centre. I’m a SAHM (kids SEN, so necessary), but DH has supported/encouraged study/volunteering and while he may roll his eyes at some of the things I spend his our money on, he would never reduce me to tears over the odd many non-essential or alternative items I buy.

Coercively controlling behaviour can creep up on you, but the financial control you describe suggests you need to seek help or advice.

Tahlbias · 09/07/2025 00:16

I have nothing to add because everyone else has voiced my opinions. I'm thinking of you OP and I hope this is resolved for you xx

PaxAeterna · 09/07/2025 00:20

I clicked into this thread thinking oh this is just like my husband. I could come back with a tent and some power tools. I don’t do a list. I don’t check the price. It drives my very organised DH mad.

But no your situation is far more controlling. Is he controlling about other things.

Anywherebuthere · 09/07/2025 00:21

simsbustinoutmimi · 08/07/2025 22:27

He sounds autistic

No.

He sounds controlling and abusive.

whynotwhatknot · 09/07/2025 00:24

have they got autism is the new cancel the cheque

Newmeagain · 09/07/2025 00:28

simsbustinoutmimi · 08/07/2025 22:27

He sounds autistic

What???? What rubbish. The man is is controlling.