Husband won’t let me do the food shop *[content warning: concerns coercive control and financial and sexual abuse]

[Becksta1]

Hi everyone. Apologises for this completely random post but I would like some advice. For years now my husband has insisted on doing the food shop, on the very rare occasion that I do it he complains if I buy a couple of things that aren’t on the list. I broke down in tears a couple of weeks ago, well actually I’ve done this a few times, and shared with him that I would like to sometimes do the shop. He says I can’t because he doesn’t trust me to stick to the list. I know what he means, and it’s normally not big purchases but say if there’s a spice mix for example on special buy that I thought might be nice I’d probably buy it. It’s not a big purchase, it never would be. It could even be that I might pick up strawberries if I saw them and thought me or the kids or even my hubby might like to eat them. It’s never a lot, maybe only one or two additions at small costs. I know he does this too, in fact he doesn’t have a list when he goes shopping so I’m not sure what really counts. It’s not a money thing, if anything I’m the one that worries more about overspending. I’m not sure.
The other thing is he asks what I want to eat when he’s planning a shop (he likes to make dinner) when I put suggestions forward even if I offer to cook he basically says no so I don’t know why he’s even asking. He likes convenience food and I’m trying to eat more nourishing food. It’s got to a point now where I just don’t say because he’ll shut me down.
I find it very confusing and am looking for some advice really on how I could maybe prove that I can be trusted with things or be included in decisions around food and shopping.
Hope you’re all enjoying the sun xx

Either:

1. he is controlling and you need to stop it or leave or
2. he needs medication for an undiagnosed condition that makes him obsessive about this

This is so sad and you have DCs as well, how long has thing been going on?

I find it very confusing and am looking for some advice really on how I could maybe prove that I can be trusted with things or be included in decisions around food and shopping @Becksta1

Absolutely heartbreaking.

You don't need to prove you can be trusted.
You are an adult.
He's not your boss.

This is probably coming as a shock to you because he's conditioned you for so long to be infantalised so he can control you.

But there is hope and help available. Let us help you as no one deserves to live like this 💐

I wonder if she's 'not allowed' to use her phone after 10pm either??

This is not normal.
I know NO ONE who lives like this.

Think about this : how would he respond if the roles were reversed?

This is abuse and I guarantee he isnt weird JUST about this

This is very odd behavior. I hope you have your own money and can buy what you want with it.
There is help available should you need to leave

I’m sorry, but I don’t find his behaviour confusing at all, he sounds absolutely awful, he’s in actual fact a controlling nightmare! So controlling that you don’t have any say, any choice in what you are going to eat, and has the temerity to ignore any suggestion you might make, I mean what the heck!

I couldn’t/wouldn't be able to live under such control, - just wondering where else his control is exerted?

Do you have access to money? If not some serious thought about your life in general I suggest is needed, if so - go and do a shop making sure you select things you would like…regularly.

Sounds to me like you are being treated like a child and are being bullied. You shouldn’t have to ask to do these things. I’m a guy and I think your guy needs to be kicked out on his arse

He is abusing you.

He has done it so long that you've lost track of what's normal, but deep down you know youre dealing with something oppressive. Because you're a reasonable person yourself, and because you dont really understand what you're dealing with, you believe (or want to believe) that an appeal to reason will make him understand and 'let' you do all the normal things wives do.

He knows what's normal. He has seen you cry too. He isn't going to do the normal thing. He has a deep-seated need to lord it over you, to wield power in the home, to humiliate you.

This is what he's getting out of the relationship. This is all he wants. He has no reason to change.

What you're left with is misery and humiliation and a feeling of powerlessness. You probably see no alternative to living this way, and if so, that is the ultimate aim of all spousal abuse - to make the victim feel she has no alternative, no way out.

I urge you to look online for a pdf of a book by Lundy Bancroft, "Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry And Controlling Men". It is free to read online. You need to understand what you're dealing with.

He doesn’t have a list himself. He also refuses her food suggestions. I think this one is a big standard controlling asshole.
op, do you have kids? Do you work? What kind of husband is he in other ways?

Control freak. I bet he does other similar things too

Op this is very odd behaviour. Is he like it in other areas too?

Can I ask who purchases your shampoo, conditioner, moisturisers, make up, body wash etc? Do you get to choose it?

Who buys your clothes? If you buy them do you have full control over what you wear? Could you buy a summery dress just because you like it? Can you wear skirts and trousers when you want to? What about the children?

Do you have access to money that you can spend on anything you want?

If the children are at a party, are they allowed to choose a gift to take?

Do you work and are you able to change jobs whenever you want? Could you accept lifts from a colleague and go to lunch with your colleague if you wanted to?

If you did the shop what would happen? How would he show he was annoyed?

Lots of questions and you don’t have to answer but if the answers are no I could t do that or he chooses or says no - then shopping may be the tip of the iceberg.

You are in an abusive relationship.

He is preventing you from buying food.

You need to reach out to domestic violence organisations.

He’s doing this to control you and make it difficult for you to leave him.

It will escalate.

Yes the poster above is right - you are in an abusive relationship. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline when its safe to do so

dont be tempted to minimise his behaviour as normal and just a quirk. It’s not .

Dear @Becksta1 Im really sorry to read this.

Your husband is absolutely controlling you. You should be able to discuss what you want to eat as a family and input into this and have your say.

Can you tell us a bit more about other aspects of your life?
Do you work and have your own income?
If so, can you spend this how you want?
Can you see friends and family when you want?
Can you buy other small items for your home, like picture frames or cushions without asking permission?
Do you have to tell him about going to the doctors?
Do you have a phone and access to the internet or is this monitored?
Do you ever feel scared of him physically or do YOU feel he’s just trying to look after you or be protective?

hope you’re ok @Becksta1 and you can come back on here and let us help you x

Well, it might actually depending on whether the husband is violent or not.

Do you work, if so do you prepare your own packed lunch.
Do you go out with friends or does he make you feel bad for wanting time away from him that you don't bother.

There's something wrong with him. He sounds like an over-strict father rather than a husband in an equal relationship with his wife. You need to get away from him.

Do you both work? Do you have your own money? I would advise you to speak to one of the domestic abuse charities such as Women's Aid or Rights of Women. That is no way to live.

wow .. not normal or ok OP. Do you have access to money? Could you ask to shop and cook separate for yourself? Absolutely no harm whatsoever in buying a coupe extras not on the list.

This is just bizarre.

For the record, I am also NOT trusted with either the food shopping or the cooking.
My husband always does the shopping, he has his system, he hated mixing tasks with me (/with anyone) as there's inevitably more effort to avoid miscommunication, and he does all the cooking. He hates it when I go about messing in the kitchen. I call it his kitchen.

HOWEVER, he goes out of his way to serve varied food and dishes that I also like (including the ones that trigger complaints from the kids and that he doesn't like). If I ask for particularly stuff to be added to the food shop, he does it without any resistance, even if he probably secretly thinks my requests are stupid (as they rather often are, in the sense that I then won't think to eat them). I certainly feel free to go and pick up my own stuff and strawberries! And if I ever really minded, let alone burst into tears, of course we would change our system.

Writing all that to say the problem isn't that you have systems and that he prefers his own way. It's that he gets to be the judge of your decisions, his decisions apparently have to stand, he doesn't account for your feelings or your food preferences, and you are left sad and confused and wondering whether this is normal.

It is NOT normal. It is extremely sad and ridiculous and unreasonable and patronizing. Tell him to do one. And if you can't, take that as a further confirmation something is very wrong here.

Domestic abuse no doubt. Op, you cannot do anything to convince him you can be trusted, this is quite extreme and possibly just one of many coercive and controlling things he is doing before closed doors.

Against all other comments, I suggest you go along, let him asume you are agreeing to his demands to keep you emotionally safe, but quietly start putting together an escape fund, ring WomensAid, try to seek counselling/advice/support to help you assess the relationship from a more detached perspective (we often cannot see the woods for the trees) to build you up to balance the power in the relationship or break free. It is not all about him, that’s not the way healthy relationships work.

Sounds like there is a massive power imbalance in this relationship. Has he always been controlling, and in other ways too?

I get quite annoyed sometimes with DH when he goes to buy food and comes home with stuff we don’t need or already have plenty of.
But I would never dream of stopping him from going!

Not sure why people are still commenting and asking the OP questions.

She ain't coming back - but I stand to be corrected.

Surely you can see this isn't normal?

@Becksta1 I appreciate this thread will have been a hard read. When you can, perhaps when your dh has gone to work, please could you hop on just to let me know you are OK. I am worried your DH may have seen yiur post and might have banned you from your phone or some other punishment.