Husband won’t let me do the food shop *[content warning: concerns coercive control and financial and sexual abuse]

[Becksta1]

Hi everyone. Apologises for this completely random post but I would like some advice. For years now my husband has insisted on doing the food shop, on the very rare occasion that I do it he complains if I buy a couple of things that aren’t on the list. I broke down in tears a couple of weeks ago, well actually I’ve done this a few times, and shared with him that I would like to sometimes do the shop. He says I can’t because he doesn’t trust me to stick to the list. I know what he means, and it’s normally not big purchases but say if there’s a spice mix for example on special buy that I thought might be nice I’d probably buy it. It’s not a big purchase, it never would be. It could even be that I might pick up strawberries if I saw them and thought me or the kids or even my hubby might like to eat them. It’s never a lot, maybe only one or two additions at small costs. I know he does this too, in fact he doesn’t have a list when he goes shopping so I’m not sure what really counts. It’s not a money thing, if anything I’m the one that worries more about overspending. I’m not sure.
The other thing is he asks what I want to eat when he’s planning a shop (he likes to make dinner) when I put suggestions forward even if I offer to cook he basically says no so I don’t know why he’s even asking. He likes convenience food and I’m trying to eat more nourishing food. It’s got to a point now where I just don’t say because he’ll shut me down.
I find it very confusing and am looking for some advice really on how I could maybe prove that I can be trusted with things or be included in decisions around food and shopping.
Hope you’re all enjoying the sun xx

Don't be afraid to call them, OP, they are there to help you, not force you into actions you aren't ready for x

On hold to womens aid

Thanks to everyone that’s supported me

Well done.

Good luck. I’m sending hugs and strength.

Proud of you xxx

Sending support and encouragement. I’ve been where you are. I am out the other side now and so relieved and happy. You’ll get there too, don’t give up xx

No!!! Don’t try and appease him. Find a relationship that doesn’t ask you to account for every penny you spend and allows you autonomy. You deserve better.

Good on you. Holding you in my thoughts. Stay safe and find a future where you're truly happy with who you are as yourself.

Exactly this. My other half doesn't often come shopping but if they do, then they get to wander the middle aisles! Even if the shop takes double the time. We've not yet bought an inflatable kayak but we've brought other interesting and completely unnecessary things!

When I suggested this - it was before all the rest of the background came out. If it was just the shopping, then I still stand by my suggestion - to share the responsibility. However, as it isn't just that, I agree, OP does deserve better.

And? How did things go @Becksta1 ?

Hi everyone. Just to give an update. I’ve been trying to contact women’s aid for months and I’ve been restricted because my husband works from home. When he has been out I’ve tried but he’s returned home before I’ve got through. Yesterday he took the kids out for the day and I managed to speak to women’s aid. It was a 2 hour wait to get through but I spoke to a lovely lady who said it is domestic abuse. I was hoping she’d say I was confused or that it was just my interpretation but she didn’t. I’ve been given an ID number which I’ve passed to my friend to keep safe for me. I’m sorry it’s took me so long. I hope everyone has had a good weekend and thank you for your support.

Hello @Becksta1 . I am so glad you got through your women’s aid. Have they spoken to you about how they can help you get out of your situation.
Have they recommended any local domestic abuse organisations that you can reach out to. You sound very, very restricted.

Did it help that WA confirmed it was domestic abuse? I hope you can continue to reach out on this thread for support for the next steps.

Have you been ok?

Well done for taking the first step! I'm so glad you managed to talk to Women's Aid and hope they gave you useful advice. Keep in touch with them, it should be easier now you have an ID. Keep moving forwards OP, you will get there. How have things been at home?

@Becksta1 I am going to share another thread about another woman going through similar to you. It might help but I really would say her posting on munsnet has helped her. So please post for support x www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5518110-tw-sa-continuing-support-sharing-things?reply=151757501

I am so sorry it took you a long time to get through to WA, only to be told what you must have known already. Were you given any practical advice at all?

There is a book online that might help you see things more clearly - Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. Free pdf online.

Can you also speak to a family solicitor with experience in dealing with domestic abuse cases.

She recommended that I speak to my local DA service for one to one support so that is my next step when I get the chance to do it. He’s not outwardly controlling and can be inconstant? I.e if I’ve been out sometimes he locks the door from the inside of the house and leaves the key in the door so I can’t use mine. He doesn’t always do it and I’ve not had to wait more than a few minutes for him to let me in. She said this is a form of punishment and he won’t do it all the time as a tactic to keep me feeling confused and never being sure. He never locks the door when we’re in the house together, so when it happened a couple of times after a walk with a friend or going out for dinner with my friend I started to notice it.

I will see if my friend can download that as I’m not very tech savvy and I don’t want to risk it on my phone. Thank you.

i think I’m mixed. I go through so many feelings. Pain, upset, numb, acceptance and sometimes things are really good. He always makes me a coffee in the morning. It varies. I’ve been struggling to eat, so have lost 2 stone since December but I’ve made a big effort to eat more now so I’m managing to maintain my weight.

Thank you

Dear @Becksta1 . The inconsistency is there to confuse you. The thing with abusers is they are 75% “nice” but when they are nasty it is controlling, demeaning, pushes your boundaries and makes you feel powerless. They abuse you then they pull you back in with niceness. It’s basically to confuse you and for you to question yourself as you have been doing.

Your local DA organisation will be a lifeline to you, I know someone who used them and their support was invaluable. They support you after you have managed to leave.

Please tell us on this post what you need. I think it’s helpful that you talk about incidents so posters can help you unpick it. That’s what posters have done on the other thread I’ve sent you.

Lastly, the locking the door is from the abusers handbook, my ex h used to do it to me. Then he would say the door wasn’t locked and that I was too drunk to open the door ( which was bs, and I rarely ever went out).

Bless you, it sounds like you have been struggling to process your emotions due to his behaviour. Please rest assured it’s him angry not you sweetheart. I think therapy maybe good for you, would it be something you would be open to?

It’s nobody’s fault that it took a while to get through. I know they’re busy and doing their best. I felt really guilty taking up space because I know in lots of ways I’m so lucky and things aren’t as bad as they could be.

She recommended that I speak to my local DA service so that’s my next step now.

I’ll see if my friend can download that for me so it’s not on my phone. Thank you.

I’m just very low in confidence, but I am managing well and trying to look after myself. The sexual touching in my sleep has happened a few times now I can’t recall them clearly, as it’s like they’ve blended together. I can’t explain what’s happened each time if that makes sense, like if I try to think about what happened in February it gets mixed up with januarys etc. I know at times I’ve just felt powerless and wanted to forget.

I know at times I’ve just felt powerless and wanted to forget.

He has conditioned you to believe that you are powerless.

And wanting to forget is a natural protective mechanism.

Do read Dr Bancroft's book. But also check out Divorce for Dummies. Remember that knowledge is power!

Something happened last November. And I remember it relatively well because of what was said the next day. I woke in the night and I had my arm around him. I must have hugged him in my sleep. I turned around so my back was facing him and he touched and rubbed my bits. I was upset the next day and told him. He told me I consented and that we have a lot of “none verbal sexual interactions.” The only time things are none verbal are when I’m sleeping. It threw me. And made me question if me having my arm around him in the night led him on and if I have made him think I wanted it. I was expecting him to say he didn’t remember like all the other times or that he did it in his sleep but he didn’t.

Lickily he hasn’t touched me like that since February now so part of me is hoping things can be different now. He doesn’t know I know about the time in February. I didn’t try and stop him, I just lay there and kinda accepted it. I got up in the morning and he came upstairs with a sad face and sat next to me. I know he wanted to know if I knew. I acted completely fine and happy and said I felt refreshed because I’d had such a good nights sleep. I didny want to acknowledge what was happening because at that time I felt I had to accept that that’s what my life is. I wanted to have a normal day. I didn’t want to acknowledge it. His mannerism changed and he went from a look of worry to being relaxed and carried on with his day as normal. I don’t know what he would have said. Maybe that he did it in his sleep but I don’t know.