Husband wants open marriage after 38 years

[OldFatUglyUnwanted]

Thread Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns suicide)

Married 29 years, 39 years together, 3 sons age 22, 19 and 18. After 22 years raising kids, I was looking forward to having time for ourselves. Turns out he opened our marriage 3 years ago and wants to be ethically non monogamous. He has changed his wardrobe, got into dance/rave music and likes to go for weekends away with women in their 20s and 30s. He says he still loves me and wants me to stay. I have no friends, no one to talk to. I had 6 months of counselling I couldn’t afford and the upshot was “do nice things for yourself”, what about a knit & natter group?! (my husband & his new girlfriends will be laughing their socks off at that!) I am climbing the walls. I’m terrified of being alone (I’ve been with him since I was 18). I can’t get over the rejection. I’m embarrassed in front of mutual friends. 3 years ago we took our much loved elderly dog to the vet and had her put to sleep (she could no longer walk). WHY is this humane option not available to unwanted wives? Why do I have to continue to suffer when I have nothing to live for?

Leave him. It will be hard and emotional but you will come out the other side happier. You don’t need him

I have nowhere to go, no money, no friends. Not an option. I need to be dead

He wants YOU to stay? Why on earth have you not thrown him out? What a knob he is.

Fuck that shit.

Seriously.

It's frightening and you will be terrified but you have got to get away and build your own life away from him.

You take half of everything and start again

You have a house, you have half of all ‘his’ money, half of his pension, half of everything. Go and see a solicitor.

I can’t throw him out. It’s his house. Apparently ENM is a valid lifestyle choice

It's your house as well. Come on now.

Omg op. What a horrible man.

Im so sorry. You're supposed to be ok with this? Do your sons know?

There is no viable option for you here other than to get out. Do you work? Make sure you get all of his pension information.

This sounds really traumatic for you and I think you need a much better therapist than the one you have.

Please keep posting for advice and support.

Big hug.

Translation: "I want to sleep around and I dont love you anymore but im too much of a coward to be single"

How come he can afford girlfriends and weekends away and you're broke?

It IS. But you both have to agree to it. You clearly don’t.

I’d see a solicitor and make sure he knows. It might be the snake up he needs - although I wouldn’t want him anyway, but I’m only in my early 40s and perhaps see things differently than I would say in my 60s and beyond. I don’t know your age, but you say you’ve been together a long time.

He earned about 5 times as much as me. My job is rubbish & I went part time because of kids. I don’t want to sponge off him as that just makes me even more worthless

I understand your suicidal feelings and thoughts but you can have a good life on the other side of this.

He's a horrible shit. Of course you don't have to go along with this.

And who the hell are these young women so desperate to hang out with much older married sleaze bags?! Depressing.

It's hardly "ethical" non monogamy if one partner doesn't consent to it 🙄 What a knob.

You are 100% better off without him. Get divorced. Wishing you luck xxx

This. How dare he? You have two choices - remain in this mockery of a marriage or use this kick as impetus to reclaim the whole rest of your life for yourself. Maybe you had no impetus to 'do nice things for yourself' while your life was centred around him. But now you have every reason to be brave and branch out! It's a cliché, but this could be a new beginning, not an end.

Oh sweetheart, he's done a number on you. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, that he's made you feel like this. You feel hurt because he's hurting you. It's human and natural to feel hurt. He's doing this to hurt you. You don't have to take it, or believe his horrible story about yourself or his self-serving one about himself. Ethical my arse.

But you can survive it. Tell him to leave. If you're married, it's half yours. Get cash out the bank, get any paperwork you will need, and get a lawyer. You can survive this. You are not the first.

You don’t have an open marriage. You have a cheating husband.
You need to start putting in place plans to leave.

You have raised his children, loved and supported him to have a family and a comfortable home life, spent years facilitating his work and income and you think it's okay to disparage yourself and your own needs? It's not sponging off him fgs.

genuinely I have nothing I want to do without him. I’m 57 and I’m just an embarrassment. Basically I think he just wants a housekeeper and thinks I should do that as I have nothing better to do

It’s not sponging off him. It’s taking what is legally yours.

You wouldn't be "sponging off him".

Marital assets are joint and divorce settlement recognises the monetary value of the domestic work that women put into the marriage and family as equal to the man going to out to work.

We all know that for many jobs, raising children day in, day out is harder than having a job!

It's your money, and your house, too. You are entitled to leave with your fair share.

Are you UK? Are you married?
if so 50% of everything you both have is yours. You helped him earn that, you sacrificed for his pension. Get a good lawyer.

Also, you've been together almost 40 years, ever since you were 18! Everything you have together is 50% yours, and you are fully entitled to it. Please don't see it as sponging because it really isn't.

And do we all believe that these women in their twenties are with him because of his charm and Dad bod? The clue is in the Dad part for me.

Go and see a solicitor. As long as you are married and not just living together, you will be entitled to a decent slab of the house at least. Good luck.