Husband wants open marriage after 38 years

[OldFatUglyUnwanted]

Thread Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns suicide)

Married 29 years, 39 years together, 3 sons age 22, 19 and 18. After 22 years raising kids, I was looking forward to having time for ourselves. Turns out he opened our marriage 3 years ago and wants to be ethically non monogamous. He has changed his wardrobe, got into dance/rave music and likes to go for weekends away with women in their 20s and 30s. He says he still loves me and wants me to stay. I have no friends, no one to talk to. I had 6 months of counselling I couldn’t afford and the upshot was “do nice things for yourself”, what about a knit & natter group?! (my husband & his new girlfriends will be laughing their socks off at that!) I am climbing the walls. I’m terrified of being alone (I’ve been with him since I was 18). I can’t get over the rejection. I’m embarrassed in front of mutual friends. 3 years ago we took our much loved elderly dog to the vet and had her put to sleep (she could no longer walk). WHY is this humane option not available to unwanted wives? Why do I have to continue to suffer when I have nothing to live for?

He was my true happiness and it’s gone. Over. Nothing left. Empty shell

Aarrggghh, NO! No no no. Even if you are no longer the team you once were, he only earned as much as he did because you were there behind him, raising his children and supporting his work. Team effort, team earnings. Don’t you dare call yourself or your contributions worthless.
Also, no marriage can be open if one party did not consent. He’s a cheater. Get angry! Get him out!

The solicitor doesn't need to care about your life. They just need to help you with the admin of divorce and make sure you get what you're rightfully entitled to.

It’s a joint marital asset, it is not just his. I know you’re hurting but you are going to have to get angry and start channeling some warrior spirit. 💐

Time to get your self respect back. Get legal advice, only then can you start making little decisions that will begin to put you in a good position to get rid of him.

Your sons absolutely do need you, own lives or not. Please don't fall into the trap of feeling the world is better off without you. It isn't.

It's not HIS house. Its the marital home, so its both his and YOURS. And if it should come down to it, a court can order him to sell it, he doesn't get the final say.

Do you have access to money? Joint bank account?

You have brought up three children, supported him and created a loving home. How can you possibly say you are worthless? Imagine how devastated your lovely children would be if anything happened to you - it would blight their lives and you won’t be there for weddings, grandchildren and their future successes.

You have earned half the assets - that is the actual law. No one is giving you anything - you have earned it. You will not be leaving with nothing.

He sounds absolutely horrible - ‘ethically opening the marriage’ my arse. That’s just a smokescreen for being unfaithful.

I think you also need to realise that he is eventually going to leave you. He will inevitably meet a younger model who he wants to parade around with on his arm. So you need to seize the initiative - start making plans and realise you are loved and valued.

That was joint income. You are so worn down you cannot see the reality.

You have value and a life and you are still young!!!! Believe me x

Hi OP, this is a terrible thing he is doing to you and you are still in the early stages of trying to deal with it. Things will get better. It's easy for us to tell you to leave, but if you don't feel able to do so, you can still start to build a life for yourself and create an identity that doesn't depend on your husband. It's never too late and you can take small steps to start with. Find one thing you feel you could do - if it's knit and natter, that's fine. It doesn't matter what your husband and his girlfriends think, this is about you having to deal with the fact that he has blown up your life. Do just one thing and find people you can connect with and talk to. If you have family and friends, reach out to them, you will not be humiliated, they will be as horrified as you are at your husband trying to impose this on you.

Give yourself time, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and building a new life for yourself. When you get some way down the new road your life is taking, you will be able to think more clearly about whether and how to leave your marriage. Do not believe you have are trapped financially and emotionally, that is not true. You have choices and in time you can work out what you want for yourself. I wish you the very best.

Look for a solicitor who specialises in separation and divorce. You may need to pay him upfront for the initial consultation but if you employ him to pursue your divorce you may not have to pay any further fees until it's finalised, please ask about this from the start.

From the sound of things, you've been a devoted wife and mother and it's your husband who has told you it's his house, etc.? Is that correct? Why did you not have access to family money when you paid for counseling?

Do you really deserve this? Find your anger and a decent solicitor. Find the money for some good advice.

It's very sad that your family are pathetically unsupportive.

Find a new and nice solicitor,a woman,and book in see her on monday.explain your circumstances and let them help you.you absolutely deserve and are entitled to half and once you know your financial worth you will feel better and will be able to make the next step.after the solicitor book in the house to be valued and put in the market.look for a new one for just you.talk to your sons and tell them your pain,they absolutely still need you,they always,always will.take your dog with you and leave your useless husband.

That’s why it’s never a good idea to invest all your happiness in one person and none in yourself. You’re going to have to wring this wet flannel mentality dry and go see a solicitor!

You will have more inner strength than you realise if you stop doing yourself down. Has he been belittling you all these years and ground you down so you feel like you are no one without him? He certainly doesn’t feel like he is no one without you so why should you feel it! You are someone in your own right!

If you find people reacting strongly on here, please be assured it's because they are so outraged with how you are being treated, it's not aimed at you so please, please stay on this thread. There are so many amazing women here who will help and support you through this.

I am so sorry your husband has turned out to be a cheating arse and that it has left you reeling. You WILL get through this though - so please take advantage of every bit of help, support and love you will receive from this group. Unfortunately you will need it as I dare say he won't appreciate his moral cover/housekeeper/cook/companion refusing to play ball.

Incidentally - you are not the worthless one in this relationship. One of your 'partnership' has the morals of a weasel and one hasn't ... I don't think we need to wonder which it is.

So he didn't "open" up the marriage that would imply consent from you. Sounds like he cheated, and told you to put up or get out and you aren't in a position to leave. Honestly OP you need to strengthen your own circles. If you truly don't want to leave him then build up some friendships, you don't need to knit and natter or go to a rave, find something you're genuinely interested in and build up your network. It'll keep you busy and if your husband decides to leave later on thats on him and he can pay you handsomely for it !

Op. You need a little bit of straight talking here. You have had a long marriage. Regardless of your assertions to the contrary, you are entitled to 50% of the marital assets of which your home is a part. As is his pension. He does not value you or your needs so you must value yourself. Once you have licked your wounds, you need to make a choice: live with him with his infidelity, or move on and build a new life. You are perfectly capable of doing this, regardless of how you feel right now. Your first port of call is to see a good lawyer. All money is family money. Take some out of the joint account to pay for a solicitor, to see your options. Get advice re: housing and get a better therapist. It sounds like there is money - just that you don’t think it’s ‘yours’. It is. Once you’ve done that, you tell him you e decided you can’t live like this and you start divorce proceedings. Nobody deserves to live like this.

Yes @OldFatUglyUnwanted if anything I say comes across harsh it's not meant to be but I'm trying to shock you out of your depth of despair and into some anger.

You've got the inner resources to be strong, you just don't know it yet.

Perfectly put.

There are some good solicitors out there. Just phone around or ask friends.
You have worth
You deserve a chance at a good life without someone who is horrible to you
You are entitled to half of everything and you could live on that I am sure

Be strong OP. You can do this

Some people might see it as a valid lifestyle choice- for many others it is not something they will ever contemplate.

The only way it can be valid is if it is a mutual decision. Not only is it not mutual, he didn’t even tell you. Was he actually joking when he mentioned ‘ethical’ non-monogamy, having been already deceiving you for YEARS? There is absolutely nothing ethical about what he has done. He thinks he’s all cool and down with the kids and their ‘non-normative’ lifestyles, when he is actually just an old-fashioned philanderer, no different from the millions that did it before him.

Turns out he opened our marriage 3 years ago and wants to be ethically non monogamous.

He didn't 'open your marriage'. He cheated.

Now he wants your approval to continue doing the same as and when he wishes.

If you had been the one to cheat and then turn around years later and ask to be "ethically non monogamous", how would he have reacted?

I’m 56 and I get that you feel life is over but it it is not.
You met at 18, poured your life into him and your children. That is all you know.
You have probably given up on having friends, interests, even opinions.
There is a backstory here. I have no family either and there are reasons why.
He is the embarrassment. I cannot abide men in their 50’s hanging around raves with young women. There was a thread here recently where a man left behind his wife and seriously ill daughter to go to Glastonbury.
These arseholes are everywhere.
You were not brought into this world to just be this man’s maid. You don’t even know who you are - you have never had the chance.
But to find out who that is you are going to have to dig deep and the first thing to do is to find a solicitor who will give you a free consultation.
The home, his money, his pension etc are now marital assets. You’ve just put in a thirty year shift there. And sod worrying about taking any of it from him as you see it. He’s decided to cheat because without your consent it’s infidelity.
Say you live until 80 like this. Imagine wasting the last of years of your life allowing this man to treat you like dirt? Would you let anyone abuse your sons? No, so find the love you have for them and save some it for you.
Anything is better than this.
Once of my friends left an horrendous marriage at your age in the clothes she stood up in and her handbag. A year later she’s settled in a lovely little flat - she had £30
when she left - and she says it’s paradise to be away from someone who was mentally destroying her.
Getting to know yourself for the first time is hard but it’s bloody magical. I am speaking from experience.

And don’t be doing his cooking or washing. You may still live there but your job as a ‘wife’ stops now.