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Original poster

Husband wants open marriage after 38 years

486 replies

OldFatUglyUnwanted · 05/07/2025 11:34

Thread Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns suicide)

Married 29 years, 39 years together, 3 sons age 22, 19 and 18. After 22 years raising kids, I was looking forward to having time for ourselves. Turns out he opened our marriage 3 years ago and wants to be ethically non monogamous. He has changed his wardrobe, got into dance/rave music and likes to go for weekends away with women in their 20s and 30s. He says he still loves me and wants me to stay. I have no friends, no one to talk to. I had 6 months of counselling I couldn’t afford and the upshot was “do nice things for yourself”, what about a knit & natter group?! (my husband & his new girlfriends will be laughing their socks off at that!) I am climbing the walls. I’m terrified of being alone (I’ve been with him since I was 18). I can’t get over the rejection. I’m embarrassed in front of mutual friends. 3 years ago we took our much loved elderly dog to the vet and had her put to sleep (she could no longer walk). WHY is this humane option not available to unwanted wives? Why do I have to continue to suffer when I have nothing to live for?

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 27/08/2025 15:08

Do you have friends OP?

Hopelesscase32 · 27/08/2025 15:44

Why are you choosing to be a doormat? Who irons their husbands clothes so he can go and have sex with their mistress? Find wherever you buried your self respect!

SonofDeva · 27/08/2025 15:54

By reaching out to MN, you are already taking those tentative steps in breaking free from this monster. You are not a doormat but, someone who has been ground down over the years, to the point, where you are completely cut of from reality.

Please keep messaging and in the meantime please see someone that can help you leave this man

EvelynTent · 27/08/2025 16:15

OldFatUglyUnwanted · 27/08/2025 13:17

Thank you. I don’t really want new interests and I really don’t know where I would start with a social life. Until 14 months ago I was relatively happy with the status quo and I felt secure and hoped we would have a future together where we could travel. Now he’s pulled the rug out from under me, I just don’t have the energy or inclination to start again either alone, or with someone else.
For clarification, he owns the family home (with a mortgage). I have been renting a small flat with my own salary, which I stay in intermittently. I can work and sleep there, but it’s pretty miserable sitting around there on my own, and I particularly find bothering to cook for one difficult. It’s much easier to go “home” and cook a meal for everyone. Similarly, it makes far more sense to do the laundry for 4 or 5 than one (& there’s more space to dry it). I realise I’m making practical excuses here & it works in his favour

Show quote history

I understand, I do. We sometimes find ourselves in situations where we have to suck it up and do some things we don't want to do. In your case, you've been put in a position where you need to find some interests and life outside of your marriage. It will be a chore at first, but it will become enjoyable in time.

You mention you were hoping to travel, there are lots of and companies offering group travel for solo travellers. It might seem like a big leap but if your husband wants his weekends away, the least he could do is contribute to one for you, and with an organised group everything is laid on and it's easy to mix, all you have to do is show up. Or, if you're already trying to lose weight, look into local slimming clubs. You mention cooking - maybe a cookery course? Now, I know you're reading this thinking of all the reasons none of those things are any good, but if you force yourself to try something, you will start to feel more positive.

If you develop more interests you also become more interesting and this should help you respect yourself. Only when you respect yourself will your husband respect and value you too, which will put you in a stronger position to either leave or negotiate the terms on which you're prepared to stay.

It's not what you want, but it's the reality of where you find yourself and if you force yourself to take some more steps, the only way is up. I really wish you the best.

Mumptynumpty · 27/08/2025 16:46

He's really done a job on you hasn't he?

There's a phrase that says we try to fix our childhood with our choice of partners. What are you trying to fix? Keeping your dad by staying with this awful human you consider your friend? Papering over the massive cracks in your relationship by pretending that you are ok with being treated with utter contempt? Or mentoring to your son's just how to treat someone they say they love?

It is not HIS home, it is yours and your sons too.

Martyring yourself won't make him think well of you. You can salvage what you think of yourself. You can turn this around. You can find the remnants of you, and stitch the broken parts together.

It takes the same energy to focus on the future as the past. The same to be positive as negative. The same to dig yourself out of a pit as into a pit.

You get to choose. It's all any of us ever have.

nc43214321 · 27/08/2025 18:01

Yep time to separate and get a life you can enjoy.
personally I would probably go out and get myself a 30 year old boyfriend and enjoy myself 😂 during this process. Sounds like your wants and life choices no longer align , sorry I know it hurts when this happens.
what have your sons said? Xx

SonofDeva · 27/08/2025 18:24

thatsalad · 27/08/2025 11:12

Op, in the kindest possible way, waiting for a GP appointment is a waste of time. They will just fob you off with anti-depressants and call it a day, which won't fix anything.

I suggest you pay out of pocket for therapy or counseling, can you afford that? Is he in charge of all the finances?

I just thought of something. You said that whilst your OH is away you are at home. Then why not join a gym? Or swimming club? Or a walking group?

If you go with an open mind, you will build confidence in meeting new people. Small steps ❤️

Sunnygin · 27/08/2025 19:19

OldFatUglyUnwanted · 26/08/2025 20:08

Sooooo, I’m still here. Not much has changed. He’s still having occasional weekends away, with the same 36-year old positive life coach who has 3 kids of her own. Sadly this weekend, he got food poisoning on the train journey to their event, and he’s still really ill now, 5 days later. I’m looking after him. I was raging before he left on Thursday night, but I still ironed his clothes (& then went out for a 2 km walk barefoot at midnight). I made a GP appointment, but it’s not until 10th September! Eldest son has left for new job in new city in new flat with girlfriend. Middle about to go back to Uni. Youngest not leaving until 20th November.
i’m calm at the moment, but I was climbing the walls last Thursday. I still don’t know what to do and he still says he loves me, but wants to have fun with her…… 29th wedding anniversary is looming! 🙄
I am on a diet and trying to do something positive for myself by eating more healthily (during a row, he said he’d asked/told me to get fitter/lose weight 20 years ago & I hadn’t done it - I pointed out I’d been 3 months pregnant with our 2nd child & the eldest was not yet two - his response was “rounding errors”!!!) he’s now joined the life coach’s v expensive gym and bought Lycra for going out on his bike and today, €83-worth of testosterone support drugs arrived in the post…….

So...he will probably heart attack while fxxking her....then YOU ...hopefully will learn that YOU can actually live without this thing( can't call him a man or husband or partner) he is Vile 🤬

BippidyBoppety · 27/08/2025 20:00

BippidyBoppety · 07/07/2025 13:31

OP, you are in control here.
Speak to your GP, please. Use your words to explain your experiences and say NO if you feel anti-depressants aren't for you. But be open to their suggestions. Something to take the edge off, you're not going to be comatose. You need to make decisions but in your current desperately sad mindset I think you need professional help.
Speak to a Solicitor. See what their advice is as to the split of funds. Your children will be leaving in the next few years anyway to build their own lives, your "DH" - ex-best-friend - is (so you say) out with other women. With you not there what is to stop him bringing women back to your home, in your bed. If he gets one of these women pregnant then things will change dramatically as to the split of funds. If he moves one of them in things will change too. This is a good time to get matters sorted. These are professionals in their field and you are the Client.

Take emotions out of this if you can. He wants this different life. You don't want this different life. You feel disrespected. Things won't change, he won't change. What has happened is not of your choice and this won't be the life you wanted, we see that, we know that. He is no longer your best friend, and I'm sorry.

Edited

OP, this was my response to you 6 weeks ago. And you are in the same position today except now you are doing the "Pick Me Dance" (Google it). Six weeks ago you didn't trust Doctors, you didn't trust Solicitors. You now say you don't have a Doctors appointment until September ... Have you looked at Solicitors? Honestly, I think you've been having a good old wallow in this miserable lifestyle hoping something is going to change without you having to do anything. You have to take some steps to change things or accept this is your life now.

He isn't coming back because you look after him when he's sick.
He isn't coming back because you iron his shirts.
He isn't coming back because you cook his dinners.

He isn't coming back because you are trying to lose weight.

There's another women in his life that makes him happy, and that's awful for you, it really is. He says - now - he loves you and will continue to look after you, but that could change in a minute. You need to put YOU first. Stop all the pandering to him unless that's something YOU want to do for YOU. Personally I couldn't and wouldn't allow someone to treat me like this, but it's your life and your choice.

PineConeOrDogPoo · 31/08/2025 15:51

OldFatUglyUnwanted · 27/08/2025 13:17

Thank you. I don’t really want new interests and I really don’t know where I would start with a social life. Until 14 months ago I was relatively happy with the status quo and I felt secure and hoped we would have a future together where we could travel. Now he’s pulled the rug out from under me, I just don’t have the energy or inclination to start again either alone, or with someone else.
For clarification, he owns the family home (with a mortgage). I have been renting a small flat with my own salary, which I stay in intermittently. I can work and sleep there, but it’s pretty miserable sitting around there on my own, and I particularly find bothering to cook for one difficult. It’s much easier to go “home” and cook a meal for everyone. Similarly, it makes far more sense to do the laundry for 4 or 5 than one (& there’s more space to dry it). I realise I’m making practical excuses here & it works in his favour

Show quote history

You jointly own the family home because you are married.

poetryandwine · 31/08/2025 16:02

How are you doing now, OP?

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