Husband wants open marriage after 38 years

[OldFatUglyUnwanted]

Thread Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns suicide)

Married 29 years, 39 years together, 3 sons age 22, 19 and 18. After 22 years raising kids, I was looking forward to having time for ourselves. Turns out he opened our marriage 3 years ago and wants to be ethically non monogamous. He has changed his wardrobe, got into dance/rave music and likes to go for weekends away with women in their 20s and 30s. He says he still loves me and wants me to stay. I have no friends, no one to talk to. I had 6 months of counselling I couldn’t afford and the upshot was “do nice things for yourself”, what about a knit & natter group?! (my husband & his new girlfriends will be laughing their socks off at that!) I am climbing the walls. I’m terrified of being alone (I’ve been with him since I was 18). I can’t get over the rejection. I’m embarrassed in front of mutual friends. 3 years ago we took our much loved elderly dog to the vet and had her put to sleep (she could no longer walk). WHY is this humane option not available to unwanted wives? Why do I have to continue to suffer when I have nothing to live for?

@OldFatUglyUnwanted staying with this man is only going to make you feel worse and worse .
ironing his clothes , why?

You don’t need a long legal battle after 40 years it’s pretty simple .
You will be awarded half and in the mean time maybe even alimony to keep up your lifestyle .
You really do have to find your anger. He has betrayed you and sorry to say probably only saying he doesn’t want to leave and still loves you so he doesn’t have to change his lifestyle .

You deserve half of it all .
Take it and start to build a fresh life , get hobbies for yourself . Enjoy some self care .
Remember half of everything is even investments and savings . It doesn’t matter he out earned you . You supported him and carried and raised his children .
Bloody hell even now your ironing his clothes do he can go out and cheat .

please find some other Counseling to find your self worth and take it from his income .

You deserve better ! He does not deserve you !

@OldFatUglyUnwanted have you reconciled that this is not an open marriage but that he is just openly cheating on you? I and several others pointed this out when you first posted nearly 2 months ago but you seemed to deflect and focus on the fact that he wants an open relationship and you just haven’t fully understood it all yet. Until you recognise what’s actually going on, then you’ll struggle to move forward. One person cannot decide a relationship is open, it is a mutual decision that is agreed with boundaries, respect and consent from both parties.

Im glad you’re seeing your GP as you are clearly struggling and need some real life support. I just wish you could believe in yourself and realise you’re worth so much more than this.

Op go to a solicitor and take half of everything, including his pension. You're entitled to it.

I don't know why you're still flagellating yourself over this idiot.

He definitely doesn't love you, if he did he wouldn't be acting in such a cruel way. He's a nasty piece of work. He has twisted things so that he can carry on fucking other women while having you look after him.
Why are you putting up with this? Do you not feel able to leave or are you happy to live the rest of your life this way?

Oh, OP, why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you looking after this cruel vile tosser while he's ill, and even ironing his clothes? Just why? If he wants to look nice for his OW, why doesn't he iron his own sodding clothes?

As someone asked a couple of posts ago, have you accepted yet that this is not actually an 'open marriage'? It's your H blatantly cheating on you and laughing in your face about it. How you can tolerate such awful disrespect and carry on looking after him?

@OldFatUglyUnwanted why the hell are you allowing this to go on??? you must be as crazy and weak as him! find your balls and get rid!

I'm so sad for you that's he has ground you down so much that you just can't see what your own life and happiness is worth. And it is not equal to him.

Have you always been so passive in your life?

I think personally you're still in shock. A person will only tolerate this kind of treatment for so long until they snap. Something will happen one day to trigger that anger but why wait until then? He will do or say something that will kick something off but it isn't healthy to be so codependent here.

You're still running around after him like you're his skivvy and he's letting you. He has absolutely no respect for you but then I don't think you respect yourself either. Do you think you're generally a people pleaser? I think you're in safety mode. You're still acting the role you thought you'd had for life and your best friend has ripped it away from you and now I suspect you don't know what to do or who you are under neath that role.

I have experienced suicide too in my close family and I know it made us go into safety mode as a family unit. I did for about 10 years wasting my 20s. I needed therapy to undo some of it.

I think one day you'll wake up and realise this is just one man and he was never worth it. He might have been your best friend but he isn't yours. Would you treat your best friends like this? I suspect you would not do.

I'd like to know, if you'd come back with food poisoning, would he have come straight around to look after you and be honest with yourself. Would he have ironed your clothes before you went off on a dirty weekend with another man? I mean would he really?

I get it, you've always had his back and a habit of 30 years is hard to break. It will take time and if you find it too hard to wrench yourself away immediately, do it a bit at a time and be less available.

He has an emergency? Let his fancy woman deal with it. Let him have the reality of not having you there, the rescuer, to pick up all the pieces of his life while he gets to go have his fun with his side pieces.

There is 2 methods you could apply to help you in this. Grey rock method and let them mode. If you google these, it will help you put a bit of distance between you both while you heal. You cannot heal from the same person who dealt you the pain.

He has shown you who he really is. A truly selfish individual. If you were my mother, I'd be doing everything I could to help you not be so wrapped up in him anymore. But if you allow yourself, you can unmesh yourself and find a life for you. You've done the hard part. You've left physically but the emotional part takes longer.

I suspect he wasn't that worried when you left as he knew you'd still run and help him when he needed it. You are no one's slave remember that but he's trained you well.

I really wish you'd find that anger soon. How dare he treat you like this. But some people are only this way. He's probably been like this for years but you've not noticed due to the family mode and you putting him on a pedestal.

I'm sure there were lots of good times together. I aren't taking that from you. Your whole life wasn't a lie and you got your beautiful babies out of it.

But this next chapter is a learning curve for you. Don't cling to whatever dregs he offers you anymore. You deserve so much more. You sound so ground down with everything life has thrown at you and I'm sorry you got the shit stick I truly am.

I can't wait for that moment when you realise who you really are, it will be very different to what the world told you were.

This. It's embarrassing. @OldFatUglyUnwanted if you want to stay a doormat and moan about it without actually doing anything to help yourself, why don't you write a journal? You've said multiple times you're not interested in people's advice, so why keep posting?

And a reminder that the E in ENM stands for ethically, as in all parties are aware and happy with the situation. Not an excuse for middle aged men to cheat and feel absolved because they've given it a label. (And I'm very pro alternative relationship models, so I'm not criticism polyamory/ENM)

Op, in the kindest possible way, waiting for a GP appointment is a waste of time. They will just fob you off with anti-depressants and call it a day, which won't fix anything.

I suggest you pay out of pocket for therapy or counseling, can you afford that? Is he in charge of all the finances?

It's obvious and easy for us as outsiders to see that you shouldn't be tolerating this situation, OP. Since you've decided to stay, it's good that you are doing things for yourself including losing weight and getting fitter if that helps re-build your self-esteem. That may be something your GP can help with too.

I hope that you are also taking steps to build yourself a life outside of your marriage, perhaps finding new interests that will help you create a social life. If you need funds for this, your husband must provide them - he says he wants you to tolerate his infidelity, so you should be clear about what he needs to do to make the situation acceptable to you. Your marriage has died and you are effectively acting as his housekeeper so it's entirely reasonable for him to 'pay' for the convenience of having you there, this will be a far lower amount than he would have to pay in a divorce and he knows this - it's probably why he claims to love you while acting in a way that shows he does not.

Ultimately, I hope for your sake that building a life of your own and boosting your sense of self worth will give you the strength you need to leave and to claim what you are entitled to so that you can rebuild your life.

When you originally posted you said you were on your own in a rented flat - did you mean that you and your husband are renting and don't own your home?

I only came back on mumsnet because two people commented yesterday and asked how I was doing. I am truly sorry this has caused such offence. I will keep my problems and feelings to myself in future. Thank you for your helpful input x

Really not good when OP is obviously deeply depressed and traumatised after her husbands abuse for 30 years (unless he had a personality change lately I bet he's always kept her down. I'd like to see how well you would cope with it.

Quite often the response to trauma is to keep things as 'usual' as possible until you can escape. Placating the agressor or freezing. OP, you will get there in the end - by 'there' I mean your own contented life.

@OldFatUglyUnwanted , no please keep posting. I can see why it's not easy to leave after 40 years, especially if you're depressed. And the way your husband treats you is enough to make anyone feel depressed and hopeless.

From an outsider's perspective, it's very frustrating to see a nice person putting up with such a horrible man, and doing so much for him. But there are people on MN who have been in similar situations and will understand. And some of them have eventually managed to break free and gone on to live the happy lives they deserve.

By reaching out to MN, you are already taking those tentative steps in breaking free from this monster. You are not a doormat but, someone who has been ground down over the years, to the point, where you are completely cut of from reality.

Please keep messaging and in the meantime please see someone that can help you leave this man

Thank you. I don’t really want new interests and I really don’t know where I would start with a social life. Until 14 months ago I was relatively happy with the status quo and I felt secure and hoped we would have a future together where we could travel. Now he’s pulled the rug out from under me, I just don’t have the energy or inclination to start again either alone, or with someone else.
For clarification, he owns the family home (with a mortgage). I have been renting a small flat with my own salary, which I stay in intermittently. I can work and sleep there, but it’s pretty miserable sitting around there on my own, and I particularly find bothering to cook for one difficult. It’s much easier to go “home” and cook a meal for everyone. Similarly, it makes far more sense to do the laundry for 4 or 5 than one (& there’s more space to dry it). I realise I’m making practical excuses here & it works in his favour

You are important remember that. Don't give up ok. Keep posting, it's no good keeping things to yourself. This forum is here to express yourself and that's what your doing.

Times might be hard but how you are as a person is just as important. Look after yourself please :) You are number one

I was going to apologise for my last post being harsh because I didn't realise you had moved out but actually you haven't really moved out have you.
It is difficult building a new life and it will take time and you will feel low for a while but you won't be able to start building a new life while your putting your energy into your last one.
I know you are affected by other issues as well like your dad's death and the solicitor which are holding you back but please don't define yourself by your experience.
This podcast might resonate with you

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m002h098?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

It's about people who have had traumatic lives feeling trapped

Thank you, I will try and listen to this, although this trauma complex is one of the things his GF’s positive life coaching focuses on, so I’m v conflicted about it 😐

Positive life coaching is usually a load of Instagram type crap. Her version of trauma therapy or whatever she does is probably bollocks.
Anyway fuck her, this is about you, don't cut your nose off to spite your face

Hi, OP -

I have been reading your posts with an enormous sense of sadness. But I am glad you have so much support here.

Small steps. Maybe just start with a daily walk to go with your eating plan, maybe find a film in the cinemas that appeals to you. Women go to the cinema alone all the time!

Also, you could volunteer. Even the smallest effort is appreciated. What would your cause be? What activity would appeal to you?

I understand you’ve been traumatised and need to regain your self respect. Good on you for moving out, which could not have been easy.

But I agree with PP - taking care of this scumbag while he is ill? Ironing his clothes? Gently, get a grip on yourself. That is the old, traumatised you. No one in her right mind helps to facilitate someone’s cheating on her, for as has been explained endlessly that is what this creep is doing. This will set back your mental health and you deserve better. Please stop.

I am calling him names because I am so angry at the way he has ground you down. The cheating is sadly commonplace. The mind games, trying to disguise what he is doing as ethical non-monogamy, toying with your sanity - all of that is much worse.

You definitely do deserve half of your marital assets and that is why laws for helping you to obtain them in a divorce settlement exist.

You are not at all too old to start afresh on your own terms.

Please keep posting. Very best wishes

I wonder if his GF really understands the situation - not that it's her responsibility, it's his, but I bet he's told her you're fine with this ethical non-monogamy stuff.

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. I hope things get better, whatever that takes.

Have you EVER lived alone, OP?

If not, then that explains why being alone in your flat feels as though you have nothing going on and "nothing to live for."

This might sound a funny thing to say, but actually working out what to do with ourselves is life's great challenge. Most of us spend a lifetime installing people around us to take care of, and get sucked into soul-consuming relationships. I really think one reason is to keep us busy and distract us for as long as possible from that primary goal of finding out who we are, what makes us happy, and how to achieve a good life on our own terms. That's because these things can be rather difficult to work out, especially if you've had a lifetime of fading into the background.

However, I promise you that starting out with a blank slate (as you are in your own place) is a very exciting place to be. Terrifying at first, sure, but it's a real opportunity to turn things around for yourself. Learn to be kind to yourself, starting with baby steps such as lining up something for breakfast that you look forward to getting out of bed to eat. Get the bus somewhere you've never been. Set a few small fitness goals (YouTube is full of free 30-day beginners stuff). That sort of thing.

I promise you that if you keep going along these lines, you'll learn more and more about taking better care of yourself and your enjoyment of life will expand. I can also pretty much guarantee that your DH's life will not be growing in directions that will benefit him in the long term, so at some point you'll notice with surprise that your quality of life has overtaken his (perhaps not materially, but you never know!).

Yes, but what terrifies me is meeting her or someone like her if I go for more counselling. My husband wd never have fancied my last counsellor, but I’m now really scared of meeting one of his exes in that situation and making a real fool of myself. I realise it’s far-fetched but this keeps me awake at night. I just can’t comprehend someone who posts “You rise while lifting others” on instagram, whilst shagging a married man 21 years older than them…. I feel like I can trust no-one IRL, hence posting anonymously here….

My God she sounds like a twat.
I'm not surprised you don't feel trusting of therapeutic types.
But remember counsellors are bound by the moral guidelines of the organisation they are registered with, eg BAPC. When you meet them you can ask them outright if they know your husband. It would be a strike off-able offence if they lied. They also have to keep confidentiality so couldn't repeat anything you said. A lot will have a free 20 minutes or similar so you can make up your mind before you start or you can do telephone counselling with someone the other end of the country.

But if you didn't want to see a counsellor at the moment there are other ways of growing and feeling better. @Beachtastic 's post is good.
It will be amazing what you can achieve when you haven't got that twat taking up your mental energy.
Plan what you will do in the evening when you get back from work, treat it like self care, or if you're not good at that imagine what you would do if you were looking after someone else. Cook a new recipe, go for a walk, lifting weights is very empowering. Writing is amazing for processing things, just put on a timer and write whatever comes in your head for 20 minutes. Learn about yourself, read about whatever issues you have, listen to podcasts. Explore the world, remember who you were before you got married.
It might feel bad for a bit but it doesn't mean it was the wrong decision to leave him