Husband wants open marriage after 38 years

[OldFatUglyUnwanted]

Thread Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns suicide)

Married 29 years, 39 years together, 3 sons age 22, 19 and 18. After 22 years raising kids, I was looking forward to having time for ourselves. Turns out he opened our marriage 3 years ago and wants to be ethically non monogamous. He has changed his wardrobe, got into dance/rave music and likes to go for weekends away with women in their 20s and 30s. He says he still loves me and wants me to stay. I have no friends, no one to talk to. I had 6 months of counselling I couldn’t afford and the upshot was “do nice things for yourself”, what about a knit & natter group?! (my husband & his new girlfriends will be laughing their socks off at that!) I am climbing the walls. I’m terrified of being alone (I’ve been with him since I was 18). I can’t get over the rejection. I’m embarrassed in front of mutual friends. 3 years ago we took our much loved elderly dog to the vet and had her put to sleep (she could no longer walk). WHY is this humane option not available to unwanted wives? Why do I have to continue to suffer when I have nothing to live for?

HI OP,
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Mental Health page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

Your not sponging off him. Marriage is a partnership. I bet you brought the kids up and handled all the family business. He sounds like an arse hole. I'm sure these 20yrs olds would love to look after him in his dotage. (not) Split and take half.

I don’t want to leave. I have nowhere to go. I have no family I can talk to. I’m too embarrassed to admit failure

You can divorce him, take half the assets and start a new life. You may also find a lot of energy from your anger. How bloody dare he talk about valid choices! He can’t choose on your behalf to cancel your marriage vows to each other. He can choose to sleep around and you can choose to leave him. You still have you children and life to live.

The failure is not yours. Have the boys noticed?

He didn’t “open your marriage”. That can’t be a unilateral decision. He committed adultery. He cheated on you. He reneged on your agreement and understanding. You gave up a lot to support the damy unit in working part time. He will have to repay now. You are entitled to half of everything. Get angry. See a solicitor. Take what is yours.

Forget him.

OP you will find your way like countless other women who were once married to self centered idiots.

Our sons know about it. They don’t like talking about it & obvs they don’t like the shouting. They have their own lives to lead now & they don’t need me

He is gaslighting you into putting up with this. If you are not in whole hearted agreement about the non monogamy it's not ok, he is cheating on you, don't let him frame it any other way.
It sounds like you have lost yourself in this marriage, it's time to time to find yourself now.
Stop being his housekeeper and use that energy to do something you enjoy.
You will have somewhere to go when you sell the house and decide where you want to spend your new life

Do you feel like he was sponging off you when you were sacrificing your earning potential, doing the wife work with the kids whilst he was furthering his career and earnings?

Respectfully (and with compassion) - get a grip. You're married. His salary, his pension, his house is also YOURS. My DH earns 25× what I do - and he's been able to do that in great part because I've allowed him to with my sacrifices. If he ever suggested to me what your dh has to you, I'd be off like a rocket, taking my rightful share of EVERYTHING I've helped us achieve. You should do the same.

If it's agreed, maybe. Not when it's doing this to you.

You can't go on like this - you need to leave and find a better life without him.

There's nothing "ethical" about it, he's just another cheating scumbag.

IT’S NOT SPONGING OFF HIM!!

Oh my goodness OP.

You will have facilitated his x5 salary. How many drop offs, pick ups, doctors appointments, homework, bedtimes, baths, meal planning, shopping, after schools clubs, housework etc has he done over the years? If you hadn’t gone PT for the children, what would your job look like?

You have enabled his fabulous career and his lifestyle. It is absolutely not “his” house. You are married. When you exchanged vows, did you think they were terms of a contract strictly limited to financial contributions? Or were your vows announcing to family and friends that the two of you were joining your lives and creating a family and a team?

Also, you can’t unilaterally open up a marriage. That’s just cheating.

What’s your access to family funds like? What have you paid for over the years? If everything isn’t joint, I assume he pays x5 more than you do? Get copies of everything including his pension. All of these lovely weekend he’s having with his girlfriends are depleting funds available to you when you retire. I assume you have planned a retirement together? He’s just taken that away from you so not only has he unilaterally opened your marriage, he’s also unilaterally changed your future without consulting you.

Find your anger OP. He’s a worthless git not worthy of your disdain.

My dear seems over the years he’s destroyed your confidence hasn’t he

just read your post…you need to be bit smarter that this, you deserve more than that

lots of solicitors give free first consultation - Google “free family advice, free divorce solicitor consultation”

you’re doomed if you let that shit walk all over you

ENM works both ways.

The ship will have sailed in a few years and he'll be alone himself. Sit back and watch. He will crumble to nothing when the validation ceases.

ring a solicitor on Monday. His money is your money, it’s called marriage!

You have failed at nothing.

He has failed. It is his embarassament.

It's not what you signed up for though is it? He's trying to have his cake and eat it and has destroyed your confidence and self-worth in the process. You were having counselling for something you didn't want or accept. It's no wonder it hasn't helped. Please speak to the Samaritans. You are worth so much more than this awful man who has really done a number on you.

Absolutely take him to the cleaners. You will be entitled to half of everything, as his long suffering wife. Start getting lots of evidence of everything. All the proof about his affairs. Work out where he has his money, start selling things when he is away. Go through every drawer and start getting proof of any financial investments etc he may have. Dont worry if it’s online. A lawyer will get access to bank statements. My guess is he is a wealthy man, but not for much longer.

Also, your children will always need you. Maybe not in the same way, but you can still be valuable and valued for your support to them in adulthood. They may have their own lives to live now, but they'll come back.

Time to have a life for yourself; you have got used to everything being about your service to others. This time in your life is a new chapter.

Me too. Op, go see a lawyer. Talk to them about your options.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about, the shame is not yours.
Your husband, on the other hand, will not be well thought of, quite rightly. He's a cheating shit of a man and I can't believe his sons would countenance his treatment of you, their mother, for one moment.
Likewise your friends and family.
An open marriage is agreed upon by both parties. This is definitely not what you have.
You are entitled to a share, probably half, of the marital assets so you would not be left with nothing when you separate but you need to consult a solicitor to make sure you know where you stand.

I can’t sell his house (it’s in his name) and he’s too busy to ever get around to doing anything with it. I wd be leaving with virtually nothing and I have another dog to consider. It’s just impossible. I couldn’t afford a solicitor even if I cd bear to talk to one. They were so useless when my parents died, I wd have no trust in one, they’re just there to make their own money, they don’t care about your life or situation

He’s not handling his mid life crisis well, is he? Awful situation and you deserve so much better. When you find true happiness he’s going to be a drug ravaged shell of himself.

They key word in ethically non monogamous is ETHICAL.

He can't unilaterally open your marriage and then say it is open. That is just trying to put a fancy name on cheating.

My DH and I were ENM for several years. There's rules, boundaries, guidelines, extensive communication and discussion. It is absolutely a valid choice, as long as both parties are consenting and in no way being coerced.

He sounds awful and you sound like you need immediate help for your mental health.

Is he a particularly good looking man? I've heard lots of stories about these middle aged men who decide after years of marriage that they want to open the relationship, assuming they're going to be knee-deep in attractive young women, only to find that attractive young women want attractive young men. Shocking, I know.

Your husband is an absolute wanker.