Husband wants open marriage after 38 years

[OldFatUglyUnwanted]

Thread Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns suicide)

Married 29 years, 39 years together, 3 sons age 22, 19 and 18. After 22 years raising kids, I was looking forward to having time for ourselves. Turns out he opened our marriage 3 years ago and wants to be ethically non monogamous. He has changed his wardrobe, got into dance/rave music and likes to go for weekends away with women in their 20s and 30s. He says he still loves me and wants me to stay. I have no friends, no one to talk to. I had 6 months of counselling I couldn’t afford and the upshot was “do nice things for yourself”, what about a knit & natter group?! (my husband & his new girlfriends will be laughing their socks off at that!) I am climbing the walls. I’m terrified of being alone (I’ve been with him since I was 18). I can’t get over the rejection. I’m embarrassed in front of mutual friends. 3 years ago we took our much loved elderly dog to the vet and had her put to sleep (she could no longer walk). WHY is this humane option not available to unwanted wives? Why do I have to continue to suffer when I have nothing to live for?

He has changed his wardrobe, got into dance/rave music and likes to go for weekends away with women in their 20s and 30s.

This is just pathetic. I just couldn’t be with a man pushing 60 who behaved like this

For me that would be divorce because he’s been unfaithful.

Find your anger, OP. And try one of the many self-help books for women who struggle with their self-estemm and happiness, e.g. https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=turn+your+happiness+on&crid=1QF6OJEI94RZI&sprefix=turn+your+happiness+on%2Caps%2C94&ref=nb_sb_noss

You go to a divorce lawyer who will get their payment from the divorce settlement, no need to pay them now. it will be the lawyer’s job to get you a half of the house, pensions and anything else. You will be free to start finding your own feet again.

Your kids were able to grow up and become independent. Don’t kid yourself thinking you can’t.

Your dark and fearful thoughts are just that - thoughts. They are not you.

You have everything to live for…..he’s destroying your self esteem, rise above it…go out there show him how you too can find make friends etc,how loved you are
the young ones he hangs with, they are using him , tbh laughing at him!
he wants yo to stay , so home is their for him when he comes back, he thinks you will accept him as he is…DONT!
What do your children feel abt his behaviour?

No OP. Marriage is a financial contract. You are legally entitled to that money and you earned it through the work of being a wife and mother which freed up his time and energy to become a high earner. You are entitled to that money through a legal contract and you earnt it through your work in the family.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience of previous lawyers. Find a decent one and use them. Hard as it may be to go down the legal route, that will be temporary. How you are living is harder and that will be permanent if you don't make a change.

The house is a marital home and it doesn't matter whose name it is in. It is a marital asset you are entitled to.

My friend got more than half of her high earning husband's pension in their recent divorce.

This is not ethical non-monogamy. Your H is an abusive, cheating bastard. He is enjoying tormenting you like this. He is enjoying the power and control and your helplessness.

Prove him wrong. You are not helpless. You have rights under your marriage contract and you can enforce them.

If you have no friends or family to turn to, use the women on these boards to support you through this.

You are also able to make a new life, and friends, for yourself. You can learn not to have to wait for his crumbs.

I am so sorry (and angry) he is doing this to you. You can't hope to recover whilst you are still living with him. Its hard to rise up when you live with someone who is pushing you down. But start now and rise up more when you are free of him.

Why do you feel embarrassed? A huge percentage of marriages break down. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Your husband is a complete arsehole and he should feel ashamed but he is obviously incapable of feeling shame.

You being around for the kids had a huge value to him - he didn’t need to take days off for sick kids, leave early for the school run etc and I bet you managed the house too - and a cost not just in terms of lost income for you, but also lost opportunity for you to develop a career- a cost he has to share. You are not sponging off him to take half of your marital assets.

Make sure you take copies of all bank account details in his name, his pay etc, then go and see a solicitor. You are feeling awful now because of him, he is making you feel that way. You will feel much better alone.

And it is not an ‘open marriage’, you just have a cheating wretch of a husband.

You need to start feeling angry with him, and use that energy to get yourself a good life away from him.

I'm so sorry this happened, and that you're in so much pain. When you say Turns out he opened our marriage 3 years ago and wants to be ethically non monogamous, do you mean he decided three years ago to start having sexual and romantic relationships with other people, and you've just found out about it and now he's started the "ethical non-monogamy" talk?

If so, your husband has been having multiple affairs and lying to you and is not sorry and will not stop. That is a huge betrayal of trust and if you've just found out you are very likely in shock. You don't have to decide what to do right away. But do remember that you have just as many rights in this relationship as he does, and your needs are just as important as his (actually more so, as he is the one who has betrayed your trust). And do tell him to leave temporarily if you need to (hotel, friend, mum 'n' dad, whatever); everyone copes differently but it's not unusual to feel you need some physical distance to figure things out.

I'm not saying that non-monogamy never works, but it's a conscious CHOICE that can only work if both people genuinely want it and are willing to compromise on a framework that satisfies both people. Your husband is the opposite of "ethical"; he's a liar and a cheat who either got caught or decided he couldn't be bothered pretending any more. He's not a good person and whether you've been seeing him in a false light all this time or whether he's really changed, you have to stop centering him. Of course you grieve for the life and relationship that you had and the future you thought you'd have but you will live through it. But don't grieve him, survive him.

Oh my fucking god, this is the very saddest post I’ve ever read on here.

All I can say is @OldFatUglyUnwanted you don’t need a man and you most certainly do not need this poor excuse for a human being.

Come on now, get your big girl pants on and get fucking angry. The way you’ve been treated is the very lowest of the low. YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS!

Find yourself a shit hot divorce lawyer and take everything that’s rightfully yours.

How come you are broke if he earns well? Is he financially abusing you?

@OldFatUglyUnwanted you really need to read and take on board what everyone is saying. You may need some time. But you need to get angry and you need to end this marriage and live your life. Maybe it will take a few months to sink it but you can do this and the advice of people in the know can help you.

You have a life, your feelings are valid and you don’t need this man. Plenty of women will have been in your situation and life did get better.Your sons probably think that you are ok in this? I’m sure they would be very upset to understand how sad and depressed you really are. They do need you and i’m sure they would probably help you.

First step. Stop doing any of his washing/cleaning/cooking. These women he thinks that admire or are his friends ( or more 🤢) will be after his money/connections. Many others will see him as a sad old man.

I’m sorry he has done this to you. After such a long marriage you are not penniless upon divorce. Is there a way you can access money now, build some money up for yourself.

im a SAHM with a high earning DH. If he treats me like this I would absolutely take my share in a divorce. It is mine and you should have no guilt, you’ve earned it looking after your family.

your life is worth living! You have interests, your boys are living their lives but of course your still their mum, potentially a granny one day.

divorce is hard but if you are staying (for now), sort your finances out. He has money, you should have money.

And look at the things going in your favour OP. There is a home to sell and he earns well. You are in a much better position that a woman married to a man whose is low income earner or broke. That woman would either leave with nothing or be paying him to be able to leave him. You are not in that position. You will leave with cash and share of the pension ( which you are legally, contractually entitled to)..

Just looking at the language you are using makes me wonder if there is a long-standing pattern of financial abuse in your marriage. I’m guessing he’s the one who introduced the notion that wanting your fair share of the family finances was “sponging off him”. And the fact that he put the house in his name alone when you’re married, attempting to deprive you of a marital asset?

Do you currently have equal access to the money you jointly earn, or only what comes from your job?

As others have said, it’s only ENM if you both agreed to it, and opening a marriage only happens by consent - the fact he did so 3 years ago means he was cheating, but this is probably how he’s justified it in his own head. And of course he wants to stay together: he knows how much a divorce will cost him financially in terms of the house, pension, etc. I am also sure that he wants you to stick around to keep house and eventually care for him when he’s too old to go raving any more and needs someone to manage his meds and wipe his arse, because his 20-something raving buddies aren’t going to want to do that.

Well fuck that. Find your anger. Without your work he couldn’t have earned the salary or paid for the house or generated his pension fund. Just because he’s trained you to think what you have done as his wife is worthless and not an equal contribution doesn’t make it true.

I am so sorry for the additional trauma you have been through that has caused you to question whether a solicitor is worth it. There are some excellent ones out there who also genuinely care and enjoy sticking it to people like your husband. So do some research. Talk to a few different ones for an initial consultation and see if one of them inspires confidence and seems outraged on your behalf. Talk to Women’s Aid about financial abuse and see whether it rings true for you: financial abuse would allow you to get legal aid for your divorce, which would mean you could afford it.

And while right now you’re lost and hurting from the betrayal, I can guarantee that you are worth knowing, and have plenty to enjoy once you’ve offloaded your cheating husband. You will be able to make friends, and you will be answerable only to yourself for what you want to eat, do, watch on the TV. And you have a dog who will be better company than your horrible ex H.

Grieve now. And when you get angry, channel that into looking into your husband’s finances and getting evidence together so he can’t hide anything in the proceedings. Right now he has so much more to lose than you, and you have everything to gain now you know what a faithless shit he is.

Op you can do this, ring a solicitor when he's out of the house, you are worth it. It is so very hard, I'm starting out on my own after years of being worn down but take one step, then the next. Just keep going Xx

You built a life together. You made sacrifices for his career. Everything he has achieved has been with your support. You deserve half of the marital assets. They are yours. Please see a solicitor.

You haven't failed. He has. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

It’s so unfair. Would it help you feel more empowered if you got some legal advice?
what did you see yourself doing as you got older? How was life meant to look before his ruined almost forty years of commitment?

You've not failed at all. Your dick of a husband is cheating on you, there is nothing ethical about it. It's only an open marriage if both spouses agree to the arrangement. Take your time. You have options. You have a long marriage and would have half the assets if you were ever to leave. You know nothing else except this man and life. Decide what YOU want, what you are prepared to accept or not. Frankly find your anger and use it as motivation.

You have sacrificed your career to raise your kids - you are deserving of half the marital assets. End of.
Sorry you are feeling so low. But there is a better life for you in the other side of this. You do not have to consent to his “open marriage”. Stop being sucked in by his bullshit. Please summon all your energy and see a solicitor.

You’re married everything that is his is also yours.

You are not listening what other are writing. It does not matter if the house, the pension and the savings are on his name, they are 50% legally yours!!!!
not sure how to spell this to you.
the Fact he is affording young girlfriends (don’t worry they don’t go with him because he is smart or funny, they like the lifestyle an old men can give them and nice things he buys them), weekend aways and presents means he has money, while you write you can’t afford counselling or a lawyer so I suspect there is financial abuse there, which also is leading you to believe you own nothing it’s his house etc etc
go to a lawyer, tell them you can’t pay till you divorce and then start the proceedings.
you will walk away with half of what you both have, half the house, half savings, half pensions and can build your life back. You don’t even need to stay for the kids, so really what is keeping you there? If you are ashamed your marriage has not worked or worried you will be alone, remember it is more “shameful” to be in a marriage with an husband who is cheating on you and you are feeling worst in this situation that you would ever feel alone

We will help you all the way op.

what do you mean - precisely - when you say you can’t afford a solicitor?

do you get any earnings? Where does his income go to?