Husband wants open marriage after 38 years

[OldFatUglyUnwanted]

Thread Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns suicide)

Married 29 years, 39 years together, 3 sons age 22, 19 and 18. After 22 years raising kids, I was looking forward to having time for ourselves. Turns out he opened our marriage 3 years ago and wants to be ethically non monogamous. He has changed his wardrobe, got into dance/rave music and likes to go for weekends away with women in their 20s and 30s. He says he still loves me and wants me to stay. I have no friends, no one to talk to. I had 6 months of counselling I couldn’t afford and the upshot was “do nice things for yourself”, what about a knit & natter group?! (my husband & his new girlfriends will be laughing their socks off at that!) I am climbing the walls. I’m terrified of being alone (I’ve been with him since I was 18). I can’t get over the rejection. I’m embarrassed in front of mutual friends. 3 years ago we took our much loved elderly dog to the vet and had her put to sleep (she could no longer walk). WHY is this humane option not available to unwanted wives? Why do I have to continue to suffer when I have nothing to live for?

If you post your approx area then Im sure mumsnetters will have some good solicitor recommendations for you

then show him otherwise. You are not worthless and you are entitled to a share of the marriage resource.

and wants me to stay.

Well I want a butler to serve me breakfast in bed every day but we can’t all have what we want can we?

OP I’ve seen women like you (50s/60s, recently separated/divorced etc) flounder for a bit then thrive. There is no reason why you won’t either. And a lot of these women have given everything to their marriage and don’t know who they are. Sometimes they turn out to be fitness fanatics, or foreign language learners, or gardeners, or knit-and-natter people. Honestly, follow the practical and legal advice here and have a ball!

And remain single or look for a husband or acquire a string of unsuitably young suitors. It’s up to you!

And don’t worry about shocking people. It’ll distract them from watching tv which is a good thing.

It’s not sponging @OldFatUglyUnwanted , it’s getting what you are entitled to. Your non-monetary contribution to family life is just as important as his financial one, if not more important.

He’s a knob who wants to have his cake and eat it too. I’ll be your friend, you’re not alone 🙂

You take Whats rightfully yours and you leave. It’s not ‘sponging’.

You deserve a good life. The man you married is a selfish pig who expects you to carry on being his bloody maid and constant at the exit as of your mental health abc self esteem.

Fuck this shit.

Divorce him. And take your half.

His cruelty is staggering. How dare he!

You need to speak to a solicitor. You almost certainly have a claim to a share of the house, potentially a large one, and probably cash assets and pensions too.

Your husband has cheated on you. There is nothing ethical about that.

You do not need him in your life. He is a sad old man who is embarrassing himself, not you.

It may take a while but some time from now you can be set up in your home, with freedom to live exactly as you want. You have years ahead of you. Make the most of them

I would bag up all his belongings, put them in the garden and have the locks changed. He is relying on you to facilitate his behaviour because that's what he's used to. But you can hit back at his cruelty by throwing him out and then see a solicitor. Contact Women's Aid, they should be able to put you in touch with one of the good ones. Imagine his shock, he won't be expecting this at all! And it will make you feel so much better about yourself that you've been strong. Your boys DO need you and they always will. My eldest is 45 and still needs support from me sometimes. Don't even think about ending it, your son's will never get over it and if they hold their dad to account for it then it will destroy that relationship too and they'll have no family.

Hello OP, we're so sorry to read what you're going through. You're getting some good advice and support on your thread but we thought it important to signpost you to a few places where you can get support in real life, too, and know that you're not alone with this.

Do take a look at our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

Very best wishes from MNHQ

Indeed. I’d say completely detach, only do things for you so leave his washing etc for him to do, get a makeover and get yourself on a dating site! See how much he likes it when you are going out and staying over somewhere.

What an unbelievable shit.

Your instincts are right. He wants a housekeeper. Please understand that this is just going to grind you down. Once he is too old to attract anyone, he will say that is the end of the ENM and ask for your forgiveness and care.

You need a divorce. The life that is being lined up for you is very cruel. You deserve far better than this. You are entitled to 50 percent. Take it.

You have only two options. You either see a solicitor, divorce your husband, take half of the marital assets and have a fresh start. Or you stay, watch your husband come and go as he shags the latest piece and set a truly horrible example for your young adult children.

That was what I was asking about in my last post. It sounds very much like it.

OP you sound depressed. You are not worthless or any of the derogatory terms you have used to describe yourself. Your responses to everything are negative and that's indicative of what a bad place you are in. Please go and see the GP and tell them what is going on. It won't go any further but should result in you getting some support. He's abusing you and probably has been doing for years. If he is attracting attention from younger women I guarantee it is because he is splashing the cash to make friends. They'll be laughing about him behind his back. You haven't done anything wrong, please believe this. Look at and read all the supportive posts on this thread.

I appreciate the sentiment, but I really don’t want to see a solicitor. I don’t want to take his money or his house, he’s worked hard for them. I obvs wasn’t good enough & I’ve made him miserable. I just need a way out, to quietly disappear. I don’t want a big fight. I don’t have the energy or inclination. I just don’t see a life for me any more. It’s just not worth the effort. I realise lots of women survive this and can have a better life but I just don’t see it for myself.

@OldFatUglyUnwanted I’ve not been in your situation but heard on a podcast about this organisation that might be of help. They offer affordable legal advice (with payment plans) as well as tools for navigating various aspects of separation/divorce. Set up and run by women with lived experience
https://www.separatespace.co.uk/
He only had the career and success he did because you sacrificed your career to raise his children. You are entitled to half of everything, you earned it too.

Also Ethical Non-Monogamy is a valid life style choice but this is not what is happening. He is openly cheating on you and expecting you to just accept it. ENM involves enthusiastic consent from both partners, ongoing communication and agreed boundaries, it’s not a situation that many people can get on board with but it does work for some. This is not what you are dealing with, he’s gaslighting you into believing that you’re in the wrong and what he’s doing is entirely normal and acceptable which it most definitely is not. He is despicable for treating you this way, don’t let yourself be defined by him.

Please listen to the fact that you are equally well off as he is!!!! It doesn’t matter that he has tried to separate his assets from you - the house and his pension are still half yours!!

ETA: If anything - it will be helpful for lawyers/judge to see he didn’t put his wife of over 30 years on the mortgage. It screams abuse!

You deserve good things. You deserve 50 percent. You may think it’s not right, but what you have done in your life is important.

I'm not surprised you're feeling low, but if you're having these thoughts, you really need to see your GP. You might not be able to see a way that they could help you, but they can.

I went to the funeral of a young woman who had taken her own life. Her death was very unexpected. Hundreds of people were there and I know we all wish that she had told one of us how she was feeling. She wouldn't always have felt the way she did, but she was a such a dark place that she couldn't see that.

Absolutely this, especially this "He was your true happiness? Really?! He sounds like a cunt."

Btw your divorce would probably be rather easy. The reason he offers you this terrible deal is to undermine you and stop you doing it. He absolutely knows your entitlement

He was only able to do this because you were holding the fort at home.

What has he done for you? You're the one who's miserable because he hasn't kept his marriage vows and has blamed you for how he is feeling. Funny though, he doesn't want to leave. It's not because he wants you, it's because he wants to keep the money instead of recognising your contribution. He's a fucking arsehole who has manipulated you to bring you to this low.

I'm out - you need professional help OP, not a way to end your life.

I'm assuming that he is of a similar age, fit young attractive women won't look twice a man his age.
He'll be paying for sex.
He is awful and you need to take him to the cleaners.

You can survive this.

You have contributed to his successes. You raised his children and kept the home. If you were not doing this that would either have cost him hundreds of thousands of pounds or prevented him from progressing in his career.

You have both worked hard. You deserve a share of the rewards.

Please do not let him continue to walk over you. You have not made him miserable. He is just a wanker.

Not worth your tears.

Op

i recommend that you ask to have this moved to relationships.

I cannot stress enough that you need to.

You are talking as if you made zero contribution to the assets I’ve the past 40 years.

Who looked after the children so he could further his career without interruption of hindrance? Hmmmm?
Who kept the house ticking over whilst he worked? Who did the shopping, yhd cleaning, the admin, the school runs, yhd sick days, yhd sleepless nights, yhd school holidays, the organising of everything?

Who facilitated his life so he could focus on earning money????

You sound dreadfully likd you have bedn brainwashed..

my delightful ex husband used to claim I was riding on his coat tails sbd sponging off him - and I wasn’t allowed access to any of the money, o was given an ‘allowance’, and apart from yhd occasional flick ig yhd hoover or yhd very occasional meal cooked I did EVERYTHING.

Tue unpaid shit work of family life has WORTH.