Husband wants open marriage after 38 years

[OldFatUglyUnwanted]

Thread Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns suicide)

Married 29 years, 39 years together, 3 sons age 22, 19 and 18. After 22 years raising kids, I was looking forward to having time for ourselves. Turns out he opened our marriage 3 years ago and wants to be ethically non monogamous. He has changed his wardrobe, got into dance/rave music and likes to go for weekends away with women in their 20s and 30s. He says he still loves me and wants me to stay. I have no friends, no one to talk to. I had 6 months of counselling I couldn’t afford and the upshot was “do nice things for yourself”, what about a knit & natter group?! (my husband & his new girlfriends will be laughing their socks off at that!) I am climbing the walls. I’m terrified of being alone (I’ve been with him since I was 18). I can’t get over the rejection. I’m embarrassed in front of mutual friends. 3 years ago we took our much loved elderly dog to the vet and had her put to sleep (she could no longer walk). WHY is this humane option not available to unwanted wives? Why do I have to continue to suffer when I have nothing to live for?

What a distressing thread. Op you are wanted. Every single poster on this site wants you to be happy and is rooting for you.
Please find some inner strength and go and do something, anything that makes you happy, right now. Have you got any real life friends you can confide in?
You can and will get through this.

You don’t HAVE to leave. But your life is not going to get any better by staying. If you leave there is an excellent chance it will get a whole lot better.

But if you don’t want to, you don’t want to- no one here can make you. I suspect you’d regret wasting your life on him, but it is completely your call.

What you want is to stay AND for him to become a decent person. That option isn’t available so the remaining options are:

Stay and accept being married to a cruel man who isn’t a good person, doesn’t love you and is a poor role model for your children.

Or leave.

Yeah, a lot of middle aged men are totally delusional about their appeal (usually non-existent) to young women. As you say, hot young women want hot young men. A married man in his 40s or 50s is going to need something special to get around this fact.

You don't need money for a solicitor many will wait until after the settlement for their fees.
It doesn't matter who's name is on the house title, pensions or bank accounts half of it all is yours no matter what he says.
Now kick his cheating abusive arse other and call a solicitor

The house being in his name only will have no effect on your right to a share of assets on divorce especially the house as it seems to have been acquired during your marriage . Please someone correct me if I'm wrong .

You will not be leaving with virtually nothing . You will both be awarded a fair division of all assets acquired during your marriage. I believe 50% is the starting point in the UK. Again I may be wrong . My knowledge is from a very similar situation a while ago .

Maybe get in touch with Women's Aid for support and advice . They may also be able to recommend a solicitor who is skilled in dealing in cases of abuse and is known to them tberefore to be trusted . Because make no mistake , you are being abused . The solicitor may agree for you to pay their fees upon sale of the house . My bill was paid that way . Worth every last penny . Also , solicitors used to give one free 30 minute appointment. I dont know if that is still the case . You can achieve a lot in 30 minutes and get a true picture of how to proceed .

And I promise you can live a peaceful , calm life again in a home of your own. Safe from his awful attempt to take away your agency over what happens to your life going forward He is behaving like a terrible human and will not stop.until he's too feeble to carry on. And then use you as his housekeeper come carer . You deserve a.much happier future.

This is also true.

You do not have to leave. That is a choice only you can make.

But if you stay, you'd better do so with your head held high. Do not cower. Do not let him steal your life and your happiness.

If you're going to stay you need to be a warrior about it and go about making a life for yourself that doesn't revolve around him.

In my experience, they lose essential paperwork, gaslight you and charge you an arm and a leg for providing no service and making your life 20 times more miserable when you’re trying to cope with your father’s suicide, a newborn baby and your mother’s early onset dementia 🙁traumatised doesn’t even scratch the surface

Get angry. Let your rage out and channel it into getting the best deal you can. You are entitled and deserve your rightful share of the house and all other marital assets. See a solicitor who specialises in divorce and get yourself in the drivers seat. He is a worthless excuse of a man and your life will improve drastically without him.

I love the support and advice women are gifting on this thread . Mumsnet at its best .
Love it and really hope you feel the good intentions towards you OP. We care .

That sounds absolutely horrific. 💐 You've had a rough time.

A decent lawyer will help you.

He was your true happiness? Really?! He sounds like a cunt.
OP feeling sorry for yourself isn’t going to get you anywhere. It’s understandable, sure, but you need to find your anger. This man doesn’t give a crap about you. Stand up, dust yourself down and move on to the next chapter. It will be hard but your future self will thank you.
Also, you have sons. Show them if they treat women like shit they will leave.

You haven’t failed!!! I have been in similar situation and was absolutely broken, I couldn’t see the point in carrying on, it turns out it was the best thing that ever happened to me, but if someone had told me that at the time I would never ever have believed them! The pain is so intense that it changes you, but change is a necessary part of being human and if you grab this opportunity you can come out the other side feeling reborn! You can’t carry on as you are, you know that, so you have two choices - curl up and die or put one foot in front of the other and live your life - you can’t curl up and die because your children love you and need you, so you have no other choice but to take the 50% which is rightfully yours and make the absolute best of the rest of your life. Get a notebook and write everything down, all your feelings, plans, everything, even write as if you are talking to him directly, write him letters you don’t have to send, write lists, I found this really therapeutic. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. Sending you all the love and luck in the world, you got this x

@OldFatUglyUnwanted apparently, a key aspect of enm is that ALL parties agree!! you are not in agreement at all. I would be divorcing him asap. he can find someone else to wash and iron his shirts! absolutely shocked that your sons are not against his behaviour and standing up for you more!!

He's been cheating on you for years and doesn't want to end the marriage for two reasons. First, you facilitate his life and make it more comfortable and second, he stands to lose a lot in the event of divorce.

Unless you want to be an unpaid maid to an elderly lothario, I'd see a family law solicitor. Do not tell him that's what you're doing because he'll hide his assets.

You need all financial information such as pensions, house price, investments etc If you have no access to cash (sounds like he's also financially abusive), some solicitors will agree a payment plan. You might need a forensic accountant.

Wikivorce has lots of information as does the CABx website. You can find a solicitor here: solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

I'd also get yourself checked out for STDs as he's probably riddled.

He opened the marriage? Ie had an affair? What an arse.
You have rights here. You can even act without a solicitor if you get someone clued up to help you using AI and google. How much is the house worth? Could you sell it and buy somewhere outright with your half? Does he have a pension? You don't have to put up with this shit. It's not you, it's him.

HE is the embarrassment, not you. You can make friends. You can find a better job to help manage your financial situation, you can build a new life and enjoy it. There is 100% life after divorce but you need to find a positive mindset. You do not want to end up a housekeeper for a man with no respect for you. You can live again, have fun again, enjoy life. Been there. Done that. Living a great life (including a relationship with a man 20 years my junior!).

@OldFatUglyUnwanted I'm so sorry. Its almost always the women taking the backseat for careers to look after the family, damaging our bodies to have multiple kids and this is how he repays you.
What an asshole

What's your house worth, and do you have any mortgage remaining? Roughly how much in savings do you have between you? Remember, 50% of everything is yours. You won't be left with nothing, and you will make a new life without him.

Turns out he opened our marriage 3 years ago and wants to be ethically non monogamous. He has changed his wardrobe, got into dance/rave music and likes to go for weekends away with women in their 20s and 30s.

As someone who has been with my husband for 35 years I've just cringed myself inside out reading that. Set the twat free before people start to pity you and talk about this behind your back. He's an utter embarrassment and everyone will be laughing at him, including all these girls young enough to be his daughters. Urrgh. What a deluded sad sack of a man.

As for 'I have nowhere to go' you stay exactly where you are. Buy him a tent and some glow sticks and tell him to fuck off to a field somewhere and have his tawdry midlife crisis where you don't have to watch it.

Your sons are busy with their lives right now but they will come back to you and want to spend time with you. I echo others here, you are not alone. Now is the time to put yourself first. Go to your GP, preferably an older female one, and explain the feelings you’re having. It sounds like your marriage is over but you’ll need someone to talk to so that you can accept it in time. Of course your husband wants an open marriage (ahem… housekeeper). He gets the best of both worlds. What about you? You deserve half of everything. You are not worthless and he could not have done everything in your lives without your support bringing the children up. Be kind to yourself! ❤️

What's ethical about it? He has broken you. That's not ethical.

You can find a solicitor to act on your behalf. You will be entitled to half the marital assets including the house.

Op, are you sure he is not paying these girls? Because I can't imagine an almost 60 year old man is attractive to women in their 20s and 30s?

I'm worried about you OP. Where roughly are you? In the UK?

You need to toughen up and sort yourself out. He's making an absolute fool of you and you are letting him. Get a solicitors appointment to discuss what you are entitled to when you divorce. Then divorce the prick.

You're not alone, you have kids. You can make new friends, you just need to get yourself out there. Your counsellor sounds crap, you CAN afford to see another one - he's not living out his miife crisis on nothing.

You are worth far more than the way you think

It’s not sponging, you enabled his career. Take your fair share.

Cmon now if someone treated one of your children like this is this how you would want them to react?