Thinking trying OLD… what do I need to know?

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

Out of a several decade long marriage for a couple of years and feel like it’s time for me to dip my toe in the water of dating again.

I’ve been mulling over OLD but the horror stories are putting me off a little bit.

So, what do I need to know? I haven’t been on a date since I was 19! All help gratefully received! Safety tips? Dating etiquette? Red flags to look out for, even better green flags to look out for. I’m working on a thicker skin as we speak!

Feel free to talk me down if you think it’s a terrible idea, or egg me on if you think it’s a great idea.

Avoid like the plague every time I have a moment of boredom and I think I’ll give that another go it takes less than a day for some idiot to remind me why I deleted the app last time. Let me give you an example.
There is a question that you can ask where you both have to give your answer to the question and then it’s revealed
My question was what do you like to do on a rainy Saturday afternoon?
I responded read a book, Snuggle up together watching a movie.
He responded lots of kissing and cuddling with tongues
This is a person who has never spoken to me or had any interaction whatsoever up until that point and yet he thinks that creates a good impression about himself and his intentions

Thats really horrible. Did you reply or just block?

I just blocked years ago. I might’ve tried to do the next person a favour by pointing out the vulgarity.
Do you end up just getting a mouthful of abuse, Which I think is what they’re looking for a reaction.

An opportunity to be unpleasant and upset women literally achieves their aim.

It’s shit don’t bother. I’ve rejoined today after a couple of years and I’ve had enough already 😂

That’s really depressing. You wonder how many of these men are seen by their friends and family as a “really nice guy”

😂 that probably says it all!

You do need a thick skin, stick to what you are looking for, don’t be easily persuaded and pressured, should that be meeting before you feel ready or sleeping with them. Lots of them are just fishing for wank bank photos and sex. Them trying to turn the conversation sexual before you meet is a good giveaway.
Date Guys that are happy to put in effort, such as at least meeting you at a halfway point, if they are kind and considerate they will normally insist on meeting closer to you, like a nice pub or coffee shop, don’t make all the effort to travel to them, that just means they are lazy and not that interested.
even so just because they are nice on date one or two, don’t get too excited before you know them better. Be on alert for love bombing behaviour and too casual such as ‘we don’t need to label ourselves’ meaning they don’t want a relationship.
Good signs are when it feels right, no confusion, communication matches your frequency, you both make the effort and you are clear on what you are looking for.

Don’t forget the future faking talking about trips that you’re going to take things that you’re going to do that actually never materialise but they can always squeeze you in for a quick half an hour of the shag before they have to move onto doing something else. And make you feel so uncomfortable that you leave
I consider myself relatively switched on, but that has happened a couple of times

@smallsilvercloud - that’s good advice. I have a feeling that my adventure in OLD is going to be very short lived.

@Profpudding- that sounds so depressing. I’m not really surprised. I’d love to meet someone, but am starting to wonder if it’s really worth the effort.

My experience of OLD was OK but it was nearly 9 years ago - I joined Plenty of Fish in December 2016 - just got divorce finalised after 20 years of marriage, 3 adult-ish children and I was lonely. Ex had moved onto new woman #3 by that point. I found it nowhere near as bad as I had been expecting, no dick pics, a few ridiculous messages from men with no English skills but I went on three dates, the third of which was with the man who would be my partner for the next 5 years before his sudden death in Nov 22.

Haven't been able to face it since then but have been tempted by the silver foxes advertising Our Time and EHarmony on my FB feed. However then I realised those men won't be on the dating site and if they were they wouldn't be attracted to me especially nowadays!!.

I can tell you from experience, tte chances of finding a George Clooneyesque silver fox on those dating sites are slimmer than Victoria Beckham!

Honestly I paid for a month of OurTime and cancelled after about 4 days! Rather than averagely decent older men it was a sea of pasty faced, slack jawed, dead eyed overweight pensioners wearing hi viz and radiating Norman Bates vibes from their too close up selfie taken in what appears to be a public toilet.

I still have nightmares about the bloke who was dead ringer for fat bastard from Austin powers asking me if I was up for an S&M session 🙈 - really really not!

@blobby10- I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your partner. That must be very hard.

its funny how the ads always have extremely good looking people in them isn’t it?!

@TwistedWonder- your post made me laugh right up until the last paragraph which I think might give me nightmares too!

I graduated from old dating school with a husband but had several years of expierence after a couple of long relationships in my 20s i was definately out of touch and really had no idea what i was letting myself in for or how hard it would be. I say this as i was 31 at the time, and in a professional career. Took me until i had essentially given up and was 35 when i met someone even remotely decent. I was ghosted, sexually assaulted, abused and got myself into some really dangerous situations (unknowingly at the time but hindsight would have shown redflags in the behaviour) and this was by still being cautious. I met some of the biggest arseholes i had ever met in my life and it changed my perception of the male species.

1. meet up quickly - no backwards and forwards talking
2. meet in public
3. try and work out if they are just looking for sex, this is especially difficult as alot of men who use old are veterans and know what to say and do and can play a long game. Usually they use ‘three date rule’ and will wait that long but not much longer before ghosting whether they get a shag or not
4. be mindful alot of these guys are married - try to get enough data before meeting up to google them, facebook stalk and instagram. I would go as far at times to look them up on their professional website (yes some were claiming to be doctors - they werent) so you have to be a bit like the csi
5. if they seem too good to be true they are
6. ghosting is very common and less to do with you - for example i met a guy locally who was also speaking to girls in the other city next to me - i rightly worked out he was distant with me and dumped him, a couple of months later he was married to a girl from the next city
7. no one is too busy to not reply to a text quite quickly now adays so if they are waiting until the next day they are married
8. use your instincts once and for all
9. set a very high standard for men - a woman told me this on mumsnet and she was so right - so many of them will allow you to float along with them for months to a year whilst you waste your time. Be very intentional and set out your standards straight away, i wanted to be married within a year or two of meeting someone and then start a family. I would tell them that and thankfully the majority of the time wasters knew i wouldnt tolerate their wishy washy ‘lets see where this goes’ and i met my now husband
10. if you have doubts about their behaviour its worth asking a friend or mumsnet to help as when you have been in a relationship for so long your compass is a bit off - mumsnet was so useful for me during those years ‘give your head a wobble’ was a common phrase

in all honesty i think old damaged me to some degree (you can see this from above rants) - i always knew men were bad but i was sexually assaulted, cohersed into dangerous situations and ended up with a married man twice without knowing it and despite doing my upmost to prevent it. I am not saying this to scare you but just to make you aware its a dangerous place and you have to be very careful. I have now met my husband but still get triggered if i hear or see some of the men i knew from those days. I was also a very independent, career minded woman who owned her own property - there were a few wannabee cocklodgers thrown in there too so if you have anything to lose make sure its ringfenced.

i met a police officer socially and he worked with old woman and some of the stories he told me about woman who had met men on the websites was sobering.

when i met my husband i was cautiously optimistic and as we work in the same career i was able to verify he was indeed single, did work as what be said he was and was able to make sure he was fine - which helped and we were married after a couple of years. He didnt drop the ball once, always arranging another date, was clearly looking for the same things as me. I remember the first night i slept with him having my heart in my mouth the whole next day expecting for the energy to have changrd between us (like the rest of them) and it never changed - i was so relieved.

I have several friends who ‘gave up’ around the time i met my husband - i was going to give it another 6-12 months and they had a baby by themselves (i know four woman socially who ended up doing this from my career) - all 4 had carbon copy stories of what i experienced so at least it made me release it was nothing to do with how i was screening these men or what i was doing

How old are you OP if you don’t mind my asking? I’m 54 and my age group is dire! I have given up and make crap flapjacks instead :-)

A female relative was in an OLD advert. At the time she was married with a child and her 'date' in the advert was a gay man.

@gravelshuff- thank you for your post and honesty. I’m really worried about SA too. My ExH become violent towards the end (long story, mental health issues) and I’m really worried about being in a dangerous situation again. On reflection I think OLD is a bad idea for me. I’ll stick with my fiends and books, and accept that I may not have another relationship even if I would like one.

@Newgolddream70- I’m 50. Flapjacks sound like a good alternative!

Join EVEN. Been lucky myself as a man

I am 50 and on eHarmony, it's absolute tumbleweed, don't waste your money! There must be similar aged genuine men out there somewhere but I have no idea where.

Just had this delightful message - who says romance is dead eh?

r u happy to hookup or fwb I am married and have the wife permission to be here let me no if u up 4 it

Do you mind if I ask how old this person is?

Sounds fairly in keeping with old
fucking soul destroying