Thinking trying OLD… what do I need to know?

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

Out of a several decade long marriage for a couple of years and feel like it’s time for me to dip my toe in the water of dating again.

I’ve been mulling over OLD but the horror stories are putting me off a little bit.

So, what do I need to know? I haven’t been on a date since I was 19! All help gratefully received! Safety tips? Dating etiquette? Red flags to look out for, even better green flags to look out for. I’m working on a thicker skin as we speak!

Feel free to talk me down if you think it’s a terrible idea, or egg me on if you think it’s a great idea.

Millions of horror stories on here OP, and these are not offset by the success stories I’m afraid

I dont see how he’s treated you badly. He wasn’t feeling it so he’s cancelled. - that’s the right thing to do. He didn’t ghost you - he’s allowed to change his mind.

OP if he was a Dick he would have ghosted you or strung you along for sex ..
Most men on line dating are talking to a few ..
I know it’s disappointing, but with on line dating you have to be able to take things in your stride ..
No one likes rejection, but I know with me, I’ve had good experiences, & bad , but I take them in my stride so to speak ..
Few weeks back I got a knock , like that was down in the dumps for about 3 days, & then realised he’s just one guy 🤷🏻‍♀️..

He’s absolutely allowed to change his mind. It’s more the way he did it. He gave me every impression he was into me when he clearly wasn’t. I don’t mind that he wasn’t, that’s fine, but he clearly outright lied about having “a connection” with me.

@Missj25- I’d say he was being a dick. I don’t mind the knock back, it’s more the way he handled it. Pretending he was really into the idea of us and getting to know me better when he clearly wasn’t.

I had prepared myself for bad behaviour because of this thread! Also very prepared to be dumped etc. but no explanation and right before a 2nd date is almost ghosting. At least I wasn’t stood up!

Was just having a moan here with folks I thought would understand 🙂

But you don’t know that he wasn’t into you, there could be many reasons he called it off. He could be just out of relationship and thought he was ready but it turns out he’s not, or he could like you but be avoidant or think you’re too good for him, he could be hiding something. Who knows? A significant number of people self sabotage when they like someone. Don’t be down thinking it’s to do with you, OP. You even said there were red flags to begin with, did you not? I’ll have to go back and check!

Even if it is ‘you’ in the sense that you weren’t his type or he found someone he thought was a better match, that’s still more about him and doesn’t diminish your worth. Someone will like you even if he doesn’t.

You never know, later down the line he might realise he was a bit premature in calling it off with you because whoever else he chose, if anyone, turned out to be different to what he thought. Then that serves him right for being hasty 😂

Edit: Yeah, I went back and saw that he was saying he was punching above his weight! So perhaps he thought that he wasn’t going to match up and that one day you were going to decide he wasn’t enough for you so he ended things before it got serious. Don’t give it too much thought. OLD is brutal!

You are absolutely right @Teanbiscuits33. I suspect he would have ghosted me / stood me up. I had to push quite hard to get a reply out of him to confirm the final arrangements for the second date, having agreed we would meet a few days ago.

Anyway, his loss. 🙂

Don’t do it! Complete and utter waste of time, unless you are prepared to spend many many hours sifting through thousands of men, exchanging messages with too many to count only to realise they are a sleazeball, going on dates with a few only to realise that their real-life persona doesn’t match up to the online or there’s no attraction in real-life.

There will be some women on here who have met their man online in the last year, and the relationship is going well; it’s honestly like finding a needle in a haystack.

I gave up on it last year after doing it for about a year and experiencing all the above. 4 years after splitting from my EX I’m still single, and will likely remain that way unless I meet someone great IRL (unlikely as the decent men of my age, 40’s, are already married!).

@Teanbiscuits33- just realised, the guy who was punching above his weight was a different person. I never met him. It got creepy and I unmatched.

@Starseeking- there are certainly a lot of poor quality people out there, that’s for sure. I don’t like the idea of being single for the rest of my life, though I suspect that’s how it’s going to be now.

It is quite worrying how many of these unhinged men and women we interact with daily with no idea of their weird behaviour, and thinking they are God’s gift. I am not on OLD but found when I put a photo on Twitter of all things, it brought the weirdos, wank bank collectors and sex pests out of the woodwork. They walk amongst us.

I’m sorry this one didn’t work out. I was just going to add- surely it’s better people aren’t honest with their reasons for calling it off (in early dating)? I’d find it mortifying to be told why someone actually didn’t fancy me over and over!

I think it's best to not get too invested in anybody until after the third date. Up until that point, you're sort of just getting to know each other and either party can withdraw from things at any point.

As for there, being few decent man around above the age of forty, i think that's probably right. There are fewer decent men than decent women at all ages. I'm pretty sure most of the decent men will be married before they're 35 and, given that they are decent men, they'll probably be staying successfully married.

Yikes! Makes me feel like putting extra bolts on the doors and never interacting with anyone again!

Hadn’t thought of it that way. It’s a good way to think about it. I’m quite a kind soul and I wasn’t rejected gently, it was quite brutal, which after one date just felt nasty.

@FenderStrat- I fear you are absolutely right. Onwards and upwards.

I do have accounts on a few OLD platforms but am not obsessed with them. The way I see it is, im a decent person and am on there, so amongst all the durge, there may be the equivalent man!! I've met a few nice chaps that were just not for me as well as some not so nice ones. But as you said in an earlier post, you become aware of your boundaries and what you do/dont want. Ive only had 1 person send a d1ck pic and think thats mostly because I can filter out the wrong uns before they have chance.
I have joined a few real life groups, where we actually meet up, and found them great. Have I found anyone special on them romantically? No, but I've made some very good friends and quite a few couples have formed from them.

I’d say do it and gain some new insight/experience/funny stories to pass on and you might get lucky and meet someone decent.

My OLD days are over; I met a lot of frogs before eventually meeting my husband. This was 7 years ago so I think it is a bit worse now 😁but there is a 1% chance you might meet a good one.

Go in with an open mind, set out exactly what you want and don’t want. I had a point deduction system: say you start with 10 and minus 1 when there’s something you don’t like/wont accept (for me it was that he must be taller than me in heels, makes the same amount or more than me and has his own house and not have children - I was younger then so the ‘no-kids rule’ was reasonable).

It is important you manage your own expectations. If something feels off, trust your instincts. If he’s too good to be true, he probably is a ‘toxic’ one - think love bombing. And have fun, harmless fun. Only open your heart when you are ready.

Good luck!

OP - reconsider your hobby group. I was recently and unexpectedly asked on a date by someone in my group who had caught my eye previously (he’s got a presence) but I hadn’t really considered. I’m 54 and he’s 11 years older than me. My goodness the chemistry and spark is quite something. He’s told me he has never done OLD - neither have I (I was widowed last year, was thinking about it but hadn’t done anything about it). He’s very keen. I have never dated an older man like this, so a bit different but I tell myself he’s the same age as George Clooney

@thebigyearahead- that sounds lovely. I hold out hope there might be a decent chap somewhere in my future.

Morning Op ..
Oh I get you now , you were chatting , went on a first date & he was fake 🙄..
This bullshit of ‘ we seem to click ‘ & ‘ I’m really looking forward to getting to know you better ‘ ..

You can come on here to moan 🙂..
Sure it’s so hard to meet Geuine guys at our age that we are attracted to 🤷🏻‍♀️..
I have started to say to myself if I don’t meet them IRL besides on line , I’m not suppose to meet anyone ( even though there kinda is someone at the mo ) I’ll have to put up a thread for some advice I’d say ..

Good advice ☺️

Do you know what’s really ironic? Bumble algorithm had a hiccup and I matched with a man 300 miles away. We both thought the other was local. We realised pretty quickly we were too far apart to be practical. We get on so have continued chatting. Would be my luck that Prince Charming is at the other end of the country!

Fake is a good word for it.

I am finding it hard to find guys I’m attracted to. I’m not shallow, it isn’t about looks for me, I’m no oil painting, but at least try to make the best of what you have!

I don’t think that’s treating you badly. He didn’t want a second date but he didn’t ghost you or string you along.