Thinking trying OLD… what do I need to know?

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

Out of a several decade long marriage for a couple of years and feel like it’s time for me to dip my toe in the water of dating again.

I’ve been mulling over OLD but the horror stories are putting me off a little bit.

So, what do I need to know? I haven’t been on a date since I was 19! All help gratefully received! Safety tips? Dating etiquette? Red flags to look out for, even better green flags to look out for. I’m working on a thicker skin as we speak!

Feel free to talk me down if you think it’s a terrible idea, or egg me on if you think it’s a great idea.

It wasn't the first message. We typically spent some time discussing our shared interest with a good bit of back and forth. Say, if I was into the Marvel universe, we'd discuss our favourite and most loathed characters and the why behind that, drawing anaolgies to our own personalities. So then the conversation would move on to general best and worst traits we have, from there what it is we're looking for, and from there would move on to the subject of our last relationships. I steered the conversations while keeping it naturally flowing, but when there was an opportunity to check something off my list, I did.

Each back and forth conversation lasted a week or two before I decided whether to give out my number, with several messages each day. One that got my number was friendzoned before we took the conversation off Hinge, but we decided to keep in touch anyway.

And while we arranged dates, we continued to chat. The other person whose lifestyle was incompatible and I had a date arranged 2 weeks from taking our conversation off Hinge (so around 4 weeks of conversation back and forth), but we carried on talking throughout before it transpired that there was a - for me - great big red flag, so I ended our conversation, blocked and deleted, and moved on. The guy I talked to the longest - the one who missed out - and I could only meet 8 weeks after our initial conversation, due to work, days I had my children or hobby commitments on either side. We still talked almost every day.

Ok, need some help! Matched with a guy, seemed normal, exchanged a few messages over a few days. Then he started saying he was punching above his weight. I know he was trying to compliment me, but it showed a little bit of a lack of self confidence. Then it escalated into I’m the perfect woman, stunningly beautiful. Now over the last couple of days he’s messaged me at 5am to say good morning. This all feels a bit intense for early messaging stage. Bells are going off for me left right and centre. I’m new to dating after a 30 year marriage so am not necessarily good at reading the signs properly! I’m thinking of blocking without explaining why as I don’t want to get into a long conversation, but it seems a bit mean.

So, am I right to feel a bit uneasy, and would you just block?

Yes I’d be unmatching for sure. Unfortunately there’s a lot out there like that who are far too much too soon - anyone that intense before you’ve even met is waving huge red flags.

Block and forget him

@TwistedWonder- thank you! Just needed a sense check. Please tell me there are some normal guys out there! There has to be surely?

I wish I could tell you that but I’d be lying 😂

I gave up after too many sleazy creepy messages, a handful of mediocre dates and the one guy I connected with telling me about his ED on the second date!

ED discussion on the second date? Wow. I’m not sure what to say. I didn’t think I’d get sleazy messages, I’m not much to look at really. Well turned out, but no beauty. How wrong was I?

It is love-bombing and it is best to cut your losses early.

I had a similar experience where the day after matching I was receiving messages every 10 mins (some people on here thought it was normal), it was embarrassing really because I was at work in the office and my phone was constantly buzzing.

I had a similar experience with a guy I met in a pub a couple of years ago. We swapped numbers and by the time I woke up the next morning he’d sent about 8 messages including 2 selfies. I went to work and by mid morning he’d sent another 6 or so messages asking if I was ok as he was worried that I wasn’t replying - then about midday he started calling me! I sent one text saying ‘I’m at work’ - I hit several more messages throughout the afternoon and then at 5 on the dot my phone started ringing gong again and he left a frantic VM saying I must be gone now why wasn’t I replying.

When I got home I sent him a message saying this was OTT and I didn’t appreciate being bombarded so let’s leave it here. He immediately started calling so I blocked him on WhatsApp

Next morning I woke up to what can only be described as an essay by text telling me why I’d got him wrong, he wasn’t bombarding me and that I HAD to give him another chance!

Hey OP ..
Been on & off on line dating for years .
I hope my advice will help you ..

If you don’t mind me asking what age are you ?
I’m 49 , so suffice to say a lot of the good guys are taken .
Unless they are out of LTR or marriage, stay clear !
If they are attractive, good job , interests & hobbies , but never been married or in a LTR , Player’s !

Meet sooner rather than later , obviously there has to be some chats to see you’re chatting to someone you’d have an interest in meeting , building up connections over phone calls & messaging can be very deceiving though ..

Needless to say ( I’m sure you know ) , meet in a public place..

With regard to them having kids , good judge of a person’s personality how involved they are in their child’s life ..
Also OP , you need good self confidence..
You’ll have to be able to take the bad with the good ..
Hope it works out for you x

It is absolutely love bombing, you are right! That explains why I am so uncomfortable. I’ve unmatched.

💯 block
He sounds weird !

I’ve been mulling OLD over. It is doing one good thing for me which is that I’m setting boundaries and am starting to be able to spot red flags. After so long out of the dating game, and coming out an abusive relationship, if that’s all it does, then that’s a win.

OK, a bit of an update. I had a date planned for yesterday, and thought I'll go because it seems rude to cancel. My goodness, he seems like a lovely guy. We really hit it off. It was only coffee, but we are arranging a second date. I'm not going to get carried away, but it did restore my faith that there might just be one or two normal men out there.

Ive been following this thread here and there

I've been single forever and haven't dated in almost a decade (and i'm only 33!). Super ready to shift this weight and get out there

That's great op, hope date 2 goes well x

That’s great news OP 🙌, well especially when you weren’t really expecting anything ..
You went cause you didn’t want to cancel ..
Hope date 2 goes well 🤞..
It would be nice if he turns out to be what you are looking for ..
Keep us posted x

Second date arranged and I’m getting nervous. I wasn’t for the first as I didn’t expect anything, but now I really want it to go well. We are just going for a walk so hopefully nice and relaxed. I’d forgotten what this part of initially seeing someone feels like! I’m a wreck!

Have fun

Try Parship. We met on there 18 years ago. Been married 12.

And I’ve been ditched. Date 2 cancelled. No reason. This is brutal isn’t it?

What did he say OP ?

”sorry, can’t make tomorrow. I think we should leave it there”

I’ve no idea what happened. Better offer?

I think most people, men and women, are messaging and dating multiple people.

When one looks like it's taking off, all the others dumped or ghosted. At least you had a message to tell you it was over. I think by modern standards, that makes him an absolute gentleman!

Love, don't (seriously, I mean it, DO NOT) start comparing yourself to what you think he might be chasing. Just accept that he's done you a favour letting you down now. He knew he wasn't going to meet your standards so he's binned himself off before you do 💐

@FenderStrat- that was my thinking! Lucky escape! It’s odd. My senses today have been telling me something was off. Funny how you know isn’t it?

That’s excellent advice! I think I’m more annoyed that it’s another man who thinks it’s ok to treat me badly. Perhaps I’m not as ready to date as I thought I was…