Thinking trying OLD… what do I need to know?

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

Out of a several decade long marriage for a couple of years and feel like it’s time for me to dip my toe in the water of dating again.

I’ve been mulling over OLD but the horror stories are putting me off a little bit.

So, what do I need to know? I haven’t been on a date since I was 19! All help gratefully received! Safety tips? Dating etiquette? Red flags to look out for, even better green flags to look out for. I’m working on a thicker skin as we speak!

Feel free to talk me down if you think it’s a terrible idea, or egg me on if you think it’s a great idea.

Oh gawd, I’ve just been suggested someone who works for me! 😬

Your chance of getting a good relationship as a result of OLD is 1%.

@SingleAHF- at least I can say I’ve tried!!

Which app are you using OP?

I’ve just joined Happn and Hinge yesterday, can’t say it’s going particularly well so far.

The first guy I matched with sent me a shitty message at 11am because I hadn’t replied to his first message sent at 12.25am!

What apps are people using? What I find annoying is you cannot write what you want, bumble has a character limit and Hinge its pre prompted questions at a limit, so I can't really spell out what I'm looking for.
I've been single a long time and been on and off these apps over the years.
I find it very dull to have conversations with men I don't know and find they cannot really hold a conversation. The few I felt I really connected with and conversation was going well just disappear, sometimes I just don't understand it.
I do persist with it as you never know, but I hate it.
I've only met up with 2 men, both didn't go well, so put me off for a while

I think it’s really really difficult @Lloki
people these days just have absolutely no inclination to make room for other people in their lives.

They aren’t missing anything by having a gap
Whereas even 20 years ago they were

I’ve tried Matcha after a friend recommended it. It’s not great. I’ve had to block a few men already, and the others are unable to hold a conversation. One has asked me for my number after exchanging 4 messages which feels a bit quick to me.

I don’t think I’m going to do this long term, but it helping me think about what I want and where my boundaries are. I suspect what I really want is to be single!!

That should say Match!! Not Matcha 🙃

This echoes my experience. Im 55.

While I’m on a rant… some of the photos are awful. I don’t mean people’s looks, I mean the actual photo. They are out of focus, too close, badly lit so it makes them look like a serial killer. It seems quite hard to get a bad photo out of a phone these days. How do they manage it?!

I told you 😂😂😂😂

And the giant fish - just what?

@TwistedWonder- haven’t seen a giant fish yet, but have seen a lot of bare chests which I could have done without.

some of the profiles are hilarious. For example:

All about me: I’m a man.

That’s the complete answer to that question. It is factually correct, as far as I can tell, but it isn’t that engaging is it?

Yeah I think a lot of men are clueless about the importance of decent pics tbh. My current partner i met on Tinder. I just knew as soon as we started chatting that he was a decent man, we had loads in common and wanted the same thing out of the future. We are exactly the same age which helps. But he said he really didn't have many pics of himself. And he's not on his phone much which I like as he's grounded in reality. But it made it hard for him to set himself up a Tinder profile.

So much depends on the dating site you use and how you use them.

I've been pretty ruthless. On Hinge for a month. I discounted anyone who

• didn't use a full first name (e.g. M or something)
• didn't bother filling in any profile information
• didn't bother making their profile remotely interesting
• put "travelling the world" or anything else on their life goals that would clash with a settled life here
• didn't have the common sense not to put pictures with their work lanyards/ kids on
• posted naked or semi-naked pictures
• posted more than one picture of them holding an alcoholic drink
• posted pictures at festivals/ all mountain climbing pictures/ anything else I wouldn't want to regularly do
• posted pictures with women cut out
• posted pictures where they blurred out faces
• spoke English with a strong accent (communication is very important to me)
• is religious enough to post that
• wants kids
• has a dog or a great love for dogs (I'm a cat person)
• liked my image without leaving a comment

If the conversation didn't flow or they didn't respond with 24h, they were also out. Relationships need mutual investment and I didn't want to do all the work. Anyone who hit any red flags was out. Anyone who hit any amber flags without good reason was out.

I whittled the noise down to 5 people in that month, all of whom I gave my number for further Whatsapp and meetup purposes. I made every one of them send me a picture of them I couldn't find online. I asked a series of direct and purposeful questions and watched their reactions carefully before doing that, so I knew we were on the right wavelength before giving them any information.

Two were incompatible in theor chosen/ lived lifestyles; one I wished luck before blocking and removing them, the other got friendzoned. One I met in person, but he clearly only wanted sex, so he got removed. One was fully on my wavelength, a complete nerd, too, but it took 6 weeks until we both found a time to meet up - he lost out to number 5, whom I managed to meet earlier and who turned out to be the man of my dreams.

I never believed the trope that when you meet the right one, you just know. Now I do. But I also know we were lucky to have met when we did; both of us had not been on the site long and we both deleted our profiles within 2 weeks of our first date. So there is a large element of luck, too, because the good ones don't stay on there long.

Standby everyone, I think I’m about to get my first angry response because I refused to have a phone call tonight. I don’t want to call so soon anyway. I’ve crafted a response to see if he understands I just put a boundary in place and to see what he does.

@Jasnah- this is a great set of criteria. I already had some of them, but may pinch the others!

Aaaaand… the boundary smashed straight through. I can see now why so many of you talk about asking specific questions in that area.

this is depressing isn’t it? Seriously if you can’t take no for an answer on a phone call, what will you be like on other things?

I had one once where we exchanged a few messages and he asked for my number so we could move to WhatsApp. Within seconds he tried to FaceTime me. I didn’t pick up because a I don’t do FaceTime anyway and b to me a call needs to be discussed and agreed.
He sent a really abusive message saying I obviously had something to hide, must be a catfish, my photos must be filtered and I’m probably fat old and ugly - because i didn’t answer the phone on demand!

@TwistedWonderthats awful. I didn’t give him a chance to respond. I just explained we weren’t on the same wavelength for getting to know each other and blocked.

Was the blocking too harsh do you think?

I would suggest joining the Burned Haystack dating group on Facebook, absolutely tons and tons of great advice and information. And no, blocking someone is entirely the correct response to them not respecting your boundary.

He was a complete twat but a convincing one briefly. He’s still on the apps, good looking guy, decent job, good profile - on paper he looks a catch.
The only good thing is these men show their true colours quickly

Nope, go with your gut with all things old.

Can I throw into the mix doing early due diligence through a quick Google search of any prospective dates. I started chatting to a guy recently and was able to find him online fairly easily...which led to me discovering he has a conviction for stalking and harassment (local newspaper worthy) Obviously an immediate block, but his profile looked decent, no dodgy photos, a bit of a bio etc. thankfully I discovered this before sharing anything beyond chit chat and what's already in my profile.

There was also another guy on hinge recently local to me who is currently in prison for fraud type activity via internet dating (plus other offences). I didn't chat to him but someone else shared on FB as a warning and I remembered seeing his profile... (Again, decent normal photos, respectable job, normal answers to prompts) He then came up again on the endless cycle on Hinge so I reported his profile.

Obviously doesn't mean if he doesn't have a search history he isn't a wrong un...

Also linked to this, be really careful about what you share online...even if you don't share your surname, it's amazingly easy to find someone with first name, job title and location (normally via LinkedIn), especially if you live somewhere a bit less densely populated. For example I have a job title which is relatively niche. If someone searched my first name, job title and town, the first search result would (annoyingly) produce my full name, office address and work mobile. Easy pickings for weirdos.

All the above has made me hugely cynical and skeptical about people on there, so I am no longer bothering, but for every horror story someone has met a good match. I think it's a combination of luck and having strong boundaries. Good luck!

*appreciate there is some irony in internet stalking someone to discover they are a stalker!

Absolutely love this. You are my hero and I need your advice in my life!!!

If you do get as far as meeting a guy for a coffee. If there isn't an initial spark, I think it's still good to have another date or 2, just to be certain. I don't think you always will feel a spark all connection in a first thirty minute, date in Costa Coffee.