Thinking trying OLD… what do I need to know?

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

Out of a several decade long marriage for a couple of years and feel like it’s time for me to dip my toe in the water of dating again.

I’ve been mulling over OLD but the horror stories are putting me off a little bit.

So, what do I need to know? I haven’t been on a date since I was 19! All help gratefully received! Safety tips? Dating etiquette? Red flags to look out for, even better green flags to look out for. I’m working on a thicker skin as we speak!

Feel free to talk me down if you think it’s a terrible idea, or egg me on if you think it’s a great idea.

Is it ever worth paying for any of the apps? I am newly back on them and not having much luck.

I used a dating app for the first time last summer when my children became independent. I dated throughout the summer, and it was enjoyable. I had some hilarious experiences; everything people say about dating is true. However, remember that there are just as many women out there who are doing the same things—lying, wanting an affair, ghosting, etc.

Think of it like walking into a huge public place where everyone is looking for something different—some people are looking for the same things you are, while others aren’t. Approach it the same way. Go out with those you like and make sure their profiles match what you want. Keep in mind that everyone has baggage.

Since Christmas, I have been seeing someone exclusively. He is very different from my usual type, but we get along well, have a laugh, and that’s perfectly fine.

I didn't sleep with any of the people I met, but you should do what feels right for you. Just trust your instincts. It's not that bad, and these days, online dating is the main way people meet.

There’s another lovely interaction from yesterday. I didn’t respond quickly enough apparently.
you might wonder if that’s just a snippet of the conversation and that something had been discussed or happened before, but no that is it in its entirety. Six hours before he became deeply unpleasant having not been responded to, His hours were between 12 am and 6 am. I think it would be fair to say most people were sleeping as it happens. I was at work.

There are a lot of unpleasant people but that's OK - OLD is a good way to find out who is unpleasant before you bother to meet them. If I had to boil down my experience into one piece of red/green flag advice, I'd say, a red flag is someone trying to win you over, a green flag is someone trying to figure out if you're the right person for them.

Take up some new hobbies instead and see if you meet someone the old fashioned way. Online dating can be hideous, though my colleague has met some decent ish guys (until they inevitably aren’t after a year or so). She’s also had lots of nice guy dates but not her type. She is in London so maybe lots more choice than some areas. I am single, cannot face online dating. Have someone at work that we have had a thing going, but he has zero time due to his kids so think i’ll just remain single. Easier that way

Sounded like he showed his true colours rather quickly! Sound like you dodged a bullet!

I had one once who sent me a message while I was out. About 45 minutes later sent me a ‘hi are you there’ then about another 20 minutes hater sent another saying something likes ‘another fucking woman who thinks she’s too good for the likes of me and can’t even be polite enough to respond’

So when I got home I sent a reply that I had been out with friends and I’m not glued to my phone 24/7 but thanks for the lovely messages.

He replied ‘you ain’t all that any way I was doing you a favour’

I sent a 👍 and blocked

Absolutely, but this is not an isolated case in my experience. I mean I’ve analyse it to reread these messages. Plural. And you wonder what you could’ve done differently, but the truth is they are just absolute fucking idiots And that’s just so many of them

I had a guy who moved onto WhatsApp and I was out for lunch with a friend.
Whilse on said lunch he sent me about 45 messages of him slowly having some form of breakdown.
It including him pretending he was having sex with a girl while messaging, he was then saying he'd lied, then he was telling me I had a fat vagina (we'd not met)... It was pretty awful but he'd seemed fairly normal before so at least it meant I cancelled our planned date.

@Profpudding My experience has been the same. I’ve met a few decent ones in between but generally it’s hard work! I’m definitely more ruthless now.

WTAF!

@iamnotalemon yep, caught me and my friend a little off guard when I looked at the end of our meal. I hadnt replied for about 3 hours...... Genuinely don't know what comes over some of them to get so derogatory.

No, it’s awful. Especially to go from zero to unstable in such a short time! Another bullet dodged.

I met my wonderful partner on Plenty of Fish
He had been ghosted and had some horror dates too so it works both ways i think

I spoke to afew before him;
Nothing terrible to be honest

• One sent a pic of him in a thong
• One told me he is a sex addict and wanks every few hours
• One cancelled his plans with his kids to meet me (Nope!)
• One just spoke constantly about himself
• One stuck his tongue down my throat
• One long distance lorry driver who never had time to msg back (understandable but would be hard to date)
• One who wanted to constantly msg but always had excuses not to meet
• One who i went on two dates with (one lasting 10 hours, got on really well with but ghosted me after the 2nd date although he had said ‘all the right things’

Then there was my partner who i am with now, 9 years later
He was different straight away, i knew he was perfect
He travelled the 100 miles to me for our first date and i ended up spending afew days with him and the rest is history

The only purpose OLD serves is to laugh at the absurdity. I remember chatting to one bloke who seemed "normal". We arranged a video call, and when he answered he had porn on his giant computer screen - I was shocked, but I was meant to see it. What a knob.

Another bloke within half an hour of messaging asking me how adventurous I am in the bedroom and how he can't be with anyone who doesn't do anal.

At least 5 who seemed promising and we got beyond a month into dating, however they each turned out to have porn induced ED (including men in their mid 30's).

Alcoholics, drug abusers, and men who have no concept of how money works and are therefore in debt up to their eyeballs despite earning a good wage. I can't be a grown man's mummy or therapist. My life is uncomplicated and serene without them. This is what they're competing with and seemingly none of them I've come across can add to what is already a nice life, they would just be a fucking nightmare.

I always say, not all men on dating apps are predators, but all predators are on dating apps. For anyone using them, please be so, so careful.

And so, so many married men, men with girlfriends, men with families, including men whose partners have just recently given birth. I honestly don't think many women realise that they are with a man who has a profile on a dating app (or apps like Adult Work or Fab Swingers etc); they think they are with one of the good ones. Genuine good ones are RARE.

I could go on, but we'd be here all day!

What do you want from OLD, OP? I've been having a great time with it but I look for chemistry and sex first, and then I see if it goes further or not.
I got really good at spotting red flags, and also reading between the lines of profiles and messages. There are many different apps for different things.
I suggest you have your deal breakers very clear. And figure out questions to spot the red flags.
For example: in some apps men will say they want a relationship just for the sex. You have to find a way to filter these ones.
I try to spot the ones who are judgemental about women who have casual sex (they make it clear very quickly)
Try to meet as soon as possible. Even if it's a quick coffee.
And be aware that you will start hundreds of conversations for a dozen dates, of which just a few will turn into something. Treat it as something that you have going on the background, don't get emotionally invested on anyone.
Drop the conversation at the first (second max) red flag.
And remember: it's not you, it's them. And you don't own anything to a man who lives in your phone. Just unmatch :)

Came back to add: don't say/ answer/do anything you don't want.
Be selfish :)
(In other words, act like a man)

I met my long term partner on it. It only takes one, that’s what I focused on when going through all the rigmarole. It worked well for me for the four times I wanted to meet someone, though each one took time. Just prepare to be picky.

Sorry for taking so long to respond, I have been out for lunch with a friend. I hope that doesn't mean you are all going to send abuse and block me ala OLD!!!

@aquashiv - thinking of it as a public place is a really good idea.

@fivetriangulartrees your observation that "a red flag is someone trying to win you over, a green flag is someone trying to figure out if you're the right person for them." is really insightful. I've written that down as I think it's something worth hanging on to.

@Zanatdy I have a couple of hobbies already which I love doing. The men outnumber the women quite considerably, but are a lot older than me, heading towards their 70s. I love their company as a part of the hobby, but none are partner material. I don't really have time to do anything more. I don't really meet anyone through work either.

@DontEvenBother your list of "charming" interactions is exactly what I am worried about. I don't think I could handle a lot of that. It would just make me cross. Your comment about I always say, not all men on dating apps are predators, but all predators are on dating apps. For anyone using them, please be so, so careful." is also very insightful.

@whatwouldlilacerullodo I'm looking for a long term partner with whom I can build a deep connection over time. The last few years of my marriage were horrific due to my ExH's serious mental health issues (he would not seek treatment, and became increasingly aggressive). I suspect that this is not going to be easy to find. I want a man who is willing to take things slow and steady and get to know each other. I am financially secure, so I will definitely have to watch out for cocklodgers.

I am starting to wonder if OLD is worth the risk to my well-being to be honest. I did have a wonderful, kind husband, who turned into a dangerous man who refused help. I don't need more abuse, I have had enough of that to last a lifetime.

I have been thinking that when I was dating in my late teens, you always sort of knew who the other person was. They were a friend of a friend, or a friend's brother's friend. They sort of came with a vote of confidence as they were connected to my social circle in some way. Maybe you got on, or maybe you didn't, but they were low risk. Do you think OLD brings out the high risk men, or have things changed in 30 years?

Pretty much this. High alert for sexual innuendoes and bin quickly. High alert for anyone who doesn’t use your name, doesn’t ask you questions - lots want to talk about themselves on repeat.

No immediate spark but a nice man- meet him again. Honestly some things are a slow burn.

@Itisallgoingtobeok i think the thing about OLD is that there is a much bigger pool that you are able to connect with. Therefore you are much more likely to come across horrible ones.
Doesn't mean you wouldn't encounter the same from a real life organic thing, just you don't "match" and connect with as many in the real world so it's a numbers thing.
I've said before that my worst was in real life. Connected through school governors. He said all the right things. Transpired he was not separated but happily married.

I think it may work out if you take it veeeeery slowly. Talk to loads of men, bin all the red flags immediately, go for lots of coffees, assume you will talk to hundreds before you find someone you like. No rush. You may find what you want if you take your time. I like the quote about red and green flags.

Just for a bit more balance, I did OLD 2.5 years ago (in my 40s) and had a pretty good time. Messaged quite a few guys and none came across as insulting or weird. A couple disappeared randomly after a few messages after seeming initially very keen but that wasn't particularly upsetting after such a short space of time. I was pretty newly divorced out of a 20 year relationship, and admittedly out for fun in the first instance, so wasn't really offended by the conversation turning sexual if it was someone I fancied (appreciate many might feel differently there!).

I met five guys - one was nice but no chemistry, three I had v brief flings with but clearly weren't going to be long-term. Fifth one was my partner who I've been with for over two years now and who I quickly realised was perfect for me. The whole experience lasted a couple of months in total. In retrospect, one guy I regret sleeping with, but there was no coercion involved, more poor choices on my part to be honest. Other than that, I look back on it quite fondly as a fun patch of my life that helped clarify what I actually wanted. I guess I was lucky, but it can happen that way!

I would say, if you are prepared to wade through the water ... there is the odd nice man on there. But you maybe need to be picky and maybe compromise a little. But there is the odd gem ...

Well, I pulled the trigger. Lots of interest, which is nice for the ego, but my goodness they don’t hang around asking for “pictures” do they? Record is two messages.

Don’t know if this is going to work but at least I can say I’ve tried.