Thinking trying OLD… what do I need to know?

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

Out of a several decade long marriage for a couple of years and feel like it’s time for me to dip my toe in the water of dating again.

I’ve been mulling over OLD but the horror stories are putting me off a little bit.

So, what do I need to know? I haven’t been on a date since I was 19! All help gratefully received! Safety tips? Dating etiquette? Red flags to look out for, even better green flags to look out for. I’m working on a thicker skin as we speak!

Feel free to talk me down if you think it’s a terrible idea, or egg me on if you think it’s a great idea.

55

And despite the fact my profile says ‘not looking for casual or FWB’

But then they don’t bother reading just look at the photos

Flapjacks sound preferable

I can offer a slightly more positive experience on OLD. Yes, as others have said, there's a lot of perverts, losers and weirdos. But there's also genuine men there too. Just try not to invest much of yourself into it. I met around 6 different men for dates over time before I met my now partner. I can honestly say that although the others weren't for me, we had interesting conversations and I had a nice time with them, even though it all came to nothing.

It’s hard and unpleasant work - but I met my boyfriend on Bumble and we are so well matched. Been together 7 months now and I can see it being long term. It is a bit long distance though as there was no one mildly suitable within my immediate location.
If you can keep sifting through the weeds and are prepared to expand your horizons - eventually you may find someone.

It is hard but there are some decent guys out there …. I think. Set your boundaries, try and do a video call before meeting and google them. If you are bored messaging then just unmatch. Don’t worry about feeelings if you haven’t met it isn’t real. If they ghost you it doesn’t matter they don’t know you. Value yourself. Good luck

My daughter did it recently and met a man who was cheating on his partner . He had a young baby and two stepchildren. She’s really quite traumatised. She only found out through sheer luck and a lot of digging.

If you read my reply i had it happen to me twice and that was with digging
i can understand why your daughters traumatised i am still traumatised by it and its several years ago and i am now married

Wow, there are some real horror stories here. I’m having second thoughts…

The thing is, I speak to women in real life and read so many women on here saying they are put off men who message like this but they still continue to do it. It’s one of the reasons why I left OLD. It’s utterly depressing. No one’s normal. They’re always wanting to shoehorn sex into the conversation with people they’ve only just bloody met. It’s so unattractive but they must get success or they wouldn’t keep doing it? Or they're just animals who can’t control themselves. I don’t know which is worse.

They are either oblivious or don’t care. I said to one that it was like trying to chat to Jay from The Inbetweeners and he replied something like ‘lol yes babe’ and carried on with the sleaze.

Probably still has no idea why he gets deleted and blocked

I’m now 53 and am going through the process of acceptance that it’s just not going to happen for me. Thought I’d been lucky and met a guy in the dying days of Guardian Soulmates but then spent four years being future-faked and compartmentalised by him.

Oh and the Fitness Singles website? They really, really aren’t fit, and a lot also aren’t single.

It either seems to work really well for some people - or it's a complete disaster. Seemingly no inbetween.

My friend met her boyfriend on Tinder and they're afaik very happy. I know several others who've met on the apps and are happy.

Meanwhile I've tried Tinder, Bumble and Hinge on and off since 2019 and haven't found anything meaningful. After recently getting ghosted after several dates, I just said "fuck it" and I'm now dating app free.

I'm late 20s, if that's relevant.

Well and truly old enough to know better and but equally you can’t teach a dog new tricks, They were perverts in the 90’s when they were in their late 20s and they have no reason to change in their minds

The video call is a good idea I done that and my date was sound

Thick skin
Accept when you make an error in judgement, it's fine.
Only do things when you are ready
Assume the good in people but prepare for the worst
Take regular breaks from it
Remember it's not you who is the problem
And try and have fun

Ive met people via real life and OLD and they've all been as bad as the next sadly.
Real world, one turned out to be a married man and the other was a love bomb type who asked me to be his girlfriend and then cancelled our next date and I've never heard from him since.

OLD I've met very few men as they tend to turn into awful people.
One guy I said hi to and his first question was if I liked feet and wanted mine to be massaged.
Another we spent 2 sentences discussing our jobs, then he asked about my interest in sharks and his 4th sentence was "so do you like being eaten when wet then 😉"

Grim stuff.

If it helps I just got a message from a man whose main photo is him in front of a mirror pulling one side of his top up to reveal his right nipple and very very very hairy chest

Well when I say a message he just sent a 👋 - because using actual words is way too much effort.

Develop a thick skin.
Don't compromise your standards/expectations.

I used to do OLD about 10 years ago. Had a few dates. Nothing like the experiences in PPs, most dates were fine, just no 'spark.'

But oh the messaging on OLD is just painful! Men's introductory messages were either 'Hi U OK' or just downright disgusting.

One handy hint (that I learned from sad experience)- google their username. I did this and found one of my dates were also on all sorts of sex/threesomes and swingers sites 🙄

Take their age and height with a punch of salt - if he says he’s 54 and 5’11 then he’s probably 60 and 5’8.

Give it a try, what have you got to lose. Me and some friends have found nice men to date post divorce whilst in our 40s.
It is hard work & you have to be selective but you can meet someone you want to spend your life with. My advice is to choose a dating site where it isn’t just about the photo so there is lots of information you can read to give you a better idea of the person. I did meet a partner I spent a few years with on ‘Plenty of fish’ but in general I got more messages I didn’t want to receive on that site than others.

In my experience, once you hit 50 on these sites, the pool of men becomes very small indeed. And within that pool, I have yet to find anyone appealing enough to let into my life. I am not just talking about looks (although there are some shockers on there) but they all seem very needy and want ‘affection’ i.e sex! And don’t get me started on that chilli icon on Bumble and the ‘non vanilla’ requirements. So depressing.

Sorry OP. Just re-read my message and it’s not exactly encouraging! Three of my closest friends ranging from mid 40s to late 50s have found partners online and are very happy. Not sure why I haven’t been so lucky. Give it a go and have fun with it.

Definitely do this 🤣🤣I’m tall so put in my profile no one under 6ft 2 and mentioned I coached a rugby team. One guy claimed to be a 6ft 2 rugby player but in reality was shorter than me though probably 6ft 2 wide - he had played rugby once (as a front row prop) aged 15 and was now on his third PhD and hadn’t exercised for years 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Just to add a positive story. I met my lovely fiancée on tinder. I started chatting with him and a few others but he was the only interesting one who actually held a proper conversation, so the only one I met up with (I know I got very lucky). 5 years later we have a beautiful boy and another child on the way, and getting married next year. We speak regularly about how incredibly lucky we were!

My windowed dad also met a lovely lady a couple years ago from OLD (not sure which app/site he used). At first he started dating someone who was a lot of drama, but luckily he called it a day with her and met his lovely partner he’s now been with for 2 1/2 years and is moving in with.

I've had various periods over the year on dating websites and my experiences have become worse as I've got older (I'm now 53). Based on what's happened to me, my advice would be...

Don't bother with men who make zero effort right from the off. I get a lot of messages that just say, "Hi". When my profile has a bio that talks about my hobbies, character traits and what I'm looking for, I find this insulting.

If you have to suggest a date or if he asks to meet but you end up having to come up with all the arrangements, it's likely he will cancel or just not turn up. Definitely don't do all the travelling. If they're not prepared to meet somewhere half way then they aren't bothered.

Don't have any suggestive/bikini shots etc on your profile. I am not looking for hook ups etc, so I don't want to give out that vibe and I've never been sent a dick pic etc. If it means that some men are put off messaging me then I'm fine with that, because I don't want pervy comments and those are men I wouldn't want to be with anyway.

A lot of men on OLD - especially around my age - look like shrivelled up potatoes. They come with insane amounts of baggage or have achieved little in life, but still think they're God's gift to women. If you receive messages from men you aren't interested in, just delete them. Don't send any kind of "thanks but no thanks" because you risk them replying with personal insults and abuse, no matter how polite you were.

Make the first few dates in public places, don't involve alcohol and don't let the guy known where you live. Keep yourself safe, because there are a LOT of nutters out there.

I think that people start as they mean to go on. If someone can't be bothered to make a good impression right from the first message, then don't bother wasting your time on them. Ultimately it's a numbers game, so don't take rejection/silence personally and know your worth.