My partner doesn’t want to marry me, should I give an ultimatum or forget about it

[Bonnie2nd]

Before I begin, I’ll mention I’m ND and I really struggle with communicating and find it overwhelming having deep discussions as I can’t always process the words.
I have been with my partner for 4 years, we live together and we have a 1 year old.
We discussed early on that we wanted to get married asap and have a baby, due to us being in our 40s we chose to have a baby first before it was too late. Which was lucky because my menopause has since arrived.
He would talk about rings and how the wedding would look and that he couldn’t wait for me to be his wife. When baby was born he stopped talking about marriage. I forgot about it as I was so focused on my baby so I didn’t let it bother me.
Over time the realisation that he doesn’t want to marry me has crept in and I feel pretty low. I found this out when discussing a bill and the subject came up about needing to be married to do XYZ legally, and he said it didn’t matter as it would go in his will that I am entitled to do so. This flagged up as obvious he wouldn’t be marrying me.
He had an old friend visit to meet the baby and he asked my partner why he hadn’t proposed yet. My partner stayed silent and ignored the question.
We now have a ‘surprise’ wedding to go to in August and I know the guests will be asking why we’re not engaged yet or telling me I’ll be next and to catch the bouquet. The thought of that makes me feel completely rubbish knowing I’ll never experience a wedding or being a wife or sharing my child’s surname. I don’t even want to go to the wedding as I know I’ll feel sad for myself whilst happy for the couple.
I know weddings should come before babies but I’m so glad I had my baby first or I may have never experienced being a mother which is more important to me.
I just feel like I’ve wasted my time with the wrong person if he’s realised he doesn’t actually love me or want to marry me. It’s really embarrassing whenever relatives raise the subject and he doesn’t respond. He knows how I feel so it hurts more than he doesn’t consider my feelings. I think I’m beginning to resent him and I’m not sure if I can fully love someone who doesn’t want a marriage and for us to be a family.
How do I discuss this with him? I’m no good with words or confronting anyone. I know I’ll break down in tears and I don’t want a sympathy proposal, I’d say no. I’m not sure if I even want one anymore after the recent comments and actions.
Did anyone else go through this and did you stay with him or leave if he didn’t propose? Can you give up on the dream of a marriage and still stay together?
Thanks for reading

It sounds like it’s got to the point where you won’t be happy with him unless you are married.

So yes, I would give him an ultimatum. Try not to do it in an angry way but explain how it makes you feel and that it is affecting the way you feel about him. Tell him that you don’t think you can stay with him if you aren’t getting married as it makes you feel so hurt.

Have you asked him about it and shared your feelings OP?

You need to talk about it. Really, you do - although you'll feel uncomfortable doing it. If only because you don't understand why it's not happening, why he now seems uninterested, and it's messing your head. Is your relationship otherwise ok? Does he love your baby? Tell him you're worried that you're not loved, worried about your future, you need to find out what he thinks and feels.

Your DC is not old enough to know his/her own surname yet, so I would change it to yours.

I’m not joking. I thing it is despicable for a man to refuse to marry a woman but expect that their child should have his name.

Perhaps worth reflecting on your priorities.

For me, these would be a) giving baby a secure loving home and b) ensuring I am financially secure. Is the wedding essential for those things? What are your priorities when you really think about it?

I agree with pp. If you don't want to discuss this with him, then just tell him you are changing baby's surname to yours and start sorting everything out as though you will be a single parent.
Get prepared, as he's not going to marry you, so you need to make sure you have financial security.
I hope the house is in both your names, at least?

I’d either give him an ultimatum; or ask him to marry you. You could try having a conversation and find out why is is not holding off on it.. I will add your post seems quite leapy to me - I mean he’s not really said much at all but you have made a lot of conclusions! So I would probably have a serious talk on that basis. Tell him you want to get married and it’s a red line for you. Unless he immediately leaves, I’d book a registry office and that’s that done. Best of luck xx

I agree with this also x10000.
Mean what you say @Bonnie2nd and stand firm. Xx

This.

Ah I’m sorry op, this is hard. You’re asking for what he promised and it sounds like he hasn’t had the balls to tell you he has either changed his mind or was future faking. I think you do need to confront him about this, listen to him without judgement but reserve your right to end the relationship if this is not what go want. I would say something along the lines of:

When we got together, we talked about building a life that included marriage and children. I’ve noticed that marriage seems to have disappeared from our future. It really hurts, and I’ve tried to bury it because I didn’t want to cause problems but I’m starting to feel sad and resentful.I’m not looking for a sympathy proposal, and I’m not even sure I’d want as things are now, I just want the truth. Do you still want to marry me or has that changed? Because if it has, I need to know, so I can decide what’s right for me.

Don’t let him future fake you anymore.

You need to raise this but if you struggle with communication, why not write him a letter? Then you can make sure its coming across how you want and you won't miss anything. You could ask him to write you one back as a starter for ten and then use that as a basis for a verbal discussion.

I listen to a therapist who recommends that approach and also says ultimatums should only ever be about you - so it's you setting your boundary rather than trying to control his decision. Eg. "I need marriage to feel secure and happy. If you don't, that's fine but I have to be honest with myself and that means me walking away" rather than "marry me or I'm leaving - your choice".

Why not ask him calmly and straightforwardly to marry you.

Observe his reaction.

His reaction will tell you how he feels. If it isn't a wholehearted yes, he doesn't want to be married to you.

Although he'd have asked you if he did.

He's already got all the advantages of being married - so why bother?

Then decide.

If staying together means never being married - can you accept that?

If not, is it enough of an issue to walk away from him?

Has he made a proper will naming you and your child?

Have you made a will?

That needs sorting, as dying intestate causes a total mess, as our family know.

I would assume she can’t without the fathers permission (assuming he is on the birth certificate)?

I’ve been with my partner for four years and we don’t even live together let alone are thinking about marriage. I’m ND too. Maybe he just doesn’t want to marry yet although he should’ve thought of that before you had a baby as you have basically no security.

Presumably she will threaten to leave him if he doesn’t marry her

Also he’s not abusing her ffs. He maybe doesn’t want to get married; if not ever then I guess that could b seen as a dickish move maybe or thoughtless/he should’ve told her this. But he’s NOT abusive.

He would be able to have joint custody and see the child but it would mean their relationship as a couple would be over.

They should’ve got married before baby. OP says marriage then a baby. Marriage can be done really quickly it doesn’t have to be a big do. Wanting to have baby quickly is not really an excuse. Have the ceremony later.

Maybe you could say to him very breezy that you’ve been thinking about marriage again and you would like your child to grow up in a committed relationship so you think he needs to decide if he wants to get married or not because if he doesn’t then you need to start making serious plans to separate so it’s upto him and then leave him to think it over …

It’s shit if he’s changed his mind now. He maybe sees marriage as not hugely necessary right now especially when baby costs so much. IMO they should’ve had a quick wedding before baby if that’s what the plan was. Or he could’ve proposed before baby. But he didn’t.