My partner doesn’t want to marry me, should I give an ultimatum or forget about it

[Bonnie2nd]

Before I begin, I’ll mention I’m ND and I really struggle with communicating and find it overwhelming having deep discussions as I can’t always process the words.
I have been with my partner for 4 years, we live together and we have a 1 year old.
We discussed early on that we wanted to get married asap and have a baby, due to us being in our 40s we chose to have a baby first before it was too late. Which was lucky because my menopause has since arrived.
He would talk about rings and how the wedding would look and that he couldn’t wait for me to be his wife. When baby was born he stopped talking about marriage. I forgot about it as I was so focused on my baby so I didn’t let it bother me.
Over time the realisation that he doesn’t want to marry me has crept in and I feel pretty low. I found this out when discussing a bill and the subject came up about needing to be married to do XYZ legally, and he said it didn’t matter as it would go in his will that I am entitled to do so. This flagged up as obvious he wouldn’t be marrying me.
He had an old friend visit to meet the baby and he asked my partner why he hadn’t proposed yet. My partner stayed silent and ignored the question.
We now have a ‘surprise’ wedding to go to in August and I know the guests will be asking why we’re not engaged yet or telling me I’ll be next and to catch the bouquet. The thought of that makes me feel completely rubbish knowing I’ll never experience a wedding or being a wife or sharing my child’s surname. I don’t even want to go to the wedding as I know I’ll feel sad for myself whilst happy for the couple.
I know weddings should come before babies but I’m so glad I had my baby first or I may have never experienced being a mother which is more important to me.
I just feel like I’ve wasted my time with the wrong person if he’s realised he doesn’t actually love me or want to marry me. It’s really embarrassing whenever relatives raise the subject and he doesn’t respond. He knows how I feel so it hurts more than he doesn’t consider my feelings. I think I’m beginning to resent him and I’m not sure if I can fully love someone who doesn’t want a marriage and for us to be a family.
How do I discuss this with him? I’m no good with words or confronting anyone. I know I’ll break down in tears and I don’t want a sympathy proposal, I’d say no. I’m not sure if I even want one anymore after the recent comments and actions.
Did anyone else go through this and did you stay with him or leave if he didn’t propose? Can you give up on the dream of a marriage and still stay together?
Thanks for reading

Is your partner also ND? It’s possible that the thought of changing what he thinks is working is a bit overwhelming for him. He’s getting by on wishful thinking, because you haven’t directly challenged him.

This isn’t something to be embarrassed about raising. Tell him you would like to talk about marriage again, as it’s been a long time since you did. Remind him of those earlier conversations. I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum, it might push him in the wrong direction, but I would ask him for assurance that he sees your future together, and then pin him down to something more precise in terms of timescale. That gives him time to work up to a proper proposal, if that’s what you both want.

Re the baby, I would definitely tell him that if you aren’t going to have the same name as a family then it will have your name, not his.

A final point, he mentioned “the Will”. Has he actually made one, or is this just more talk?

Op this is really sad. You need to know where you stand so you can make an informed choice. Otherwise the resentment will burn deep and ruin your relationship anyway.

This!!!

Hi @Bonnie2nd

I’m so sorry to read this.
just on the communication aspect - you have described really movingly on here how you feel. Perhaps you could communicate how you’re feeling by writing to him?

I wish you lots of luck xx
(as a separate thought! Lots of my friends aren’t married and have ben very happy tho it was their mutual decision. He may not want to spend the money on “one day” now he knows how expensive a child is. It will be good once you have properly communicated) xx

Sadly I think it's pretty clear now he doesn't want to marry you. Too late now but you should have got him to have a quick quiet register office wedding before you had your child. To him there's now no advantage to marrying you as you already had a child with him.
If a man really wants to marry you he will propose, he won't talk shit about weddings etc and never follow through, he won't need to be pestered and needled into doing it, he will simply ask you.
I actually think it's really cruel of a man to talk about getting married and then never propose, when he knows how much his partner wants it. To me it shows he has no respect for his partner or consideration for what would make her happy. For those reasons it shows he doesn't truly love his partner and she should therefore leave him.

I think it matters whether he doesn't want a marriage, or just doesn't want a wedding. So if you'd be open to not having a big wedding it might be worth raising that.
You are very financially precarious if you're caring for the baby, losing income and future earning potential, but are not married.

Because you are ND could you have misread or did you over think what he said when he said it will go to you in his will anyway - he may not have been dismissing getting married but letting you know that if he was hit by a bus tomorrow there is nothing to worry about?

Maybe he ignored his friend because it's not something he doesn't want to discuss with him, or he may be thinking about it.

I would just bring it up in conversation, something along the lines of remember all the plans that got waylaid when DC came along, maybe we should start thinking about starting wedding plans, what do you think.

You both have a lot going on with a 1 year old, maybe he just hasn't thought about it also, like you.

I think it matters whether he doesn't want a marriage, or just doesn't want a wedding.

This is a really good point actually. It might just be the wedding he’s scared of.

I would get your head around the fact that this is a discussion you are entitled to have with the partner of your child, so that you can make the decisions that are right for you and move forward with your life. He doesn't have the luxury of avoiding the question or ignoring the subject. That's not how it works.

You're in the business of raising a child now, this is no longer just a romantic notion. You need to be able to put yourself in the best position possible, and marriage affects this.

I would be honest and say that the baby is now xx old, we planned to get married but it seems that's now off the table. That's leaving me in a position where I need to make some decisions about how I move forward to protect myself, I am seeking legal advice about how best to arrange my affairs and draw up a will etc, can I just check with you that marriage is now no longer on the cards for you?

Anyone who gave a shit about your feelings and had any empathy, or was a grown up would appreciate your position. You don't and shouldn't be expected to just sit mute and wait, you need to know what's going on so you can make the moves you need to make, with YOUR life. You still have one, you're not just a mother and an accessory to him.

Giving an ultimatum is not going to change anything…if he marries you because you have practically forced his hand then it’s not the same at all. You would forever think “did he only marry me because I gave him an ultimatum!?”
so honestly I think you’re only option is to ask him what his plan is? And if he says he has no intention to marry, then you need to make a decision that you are either okay with that and stay and have a nice life together whilst trying to deal with any issues or resentment. Or you leave…

He got the baby without the marriage, and baby has his name. Are you sure he enjoys being a father and isn't keeping walking away as an option?

Marrying you would negatively affect his stability if you were to split. You'd gain the right to share assets that were solely his pre marriage, such as savings, investments, pension etc. By being in a relationship but not married, he doesn't give away any legal rights to walk away with what is in his name should your relationship end. Whilst it also means he has no claim on anything in your name, he probably is the better off partner anyway since he hasn't taken the hit of pregnancy, birth, and being the one staying home full time with the baby, and all the impacts that has on your job stability, income and pension.

You don't regret having the baby first, which is understandable if you're now in menopause and would have lost out on being a mum. But you should probably make long term plans now based on being a single parent, just incase.

He got what he wanted without you having the financial security of marriage. He has the baby - with his surname , and you have no right to any of his assets .

tell him you won’t play these games anymore and leave. He strung you along and now you’ve given him a child he is not bothered maintaining the lie. This happened to me, I’m now married to someone else .

This. Repeat after me: Never have a baby first! He has what he wants, he doesn’t want or need to marry you. It’s up to you if you stay.

Make sure you are also clear in your head about what it is that’s important to you, and what you mean when you talk about getting married.

Is it “just” to be married? Would a quiet ceremony in a registry office with just a couple of witnesses be enough for you?

Or do you want “the wedding” with a big ceremony and reception afterwards?

it may be possible that he also would prefer one rather than the other.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Is it marriage itself that he doesn't want, or is it the cost of a wedding? As weddings can be very expensive as can having a baby.
It's hard but a conversation or a letter needs to happen, so you can get a bit of clarity.

I know someone who was shy and wasn't a fan of big weddings, so they eloped, with no fuss.
Another poster here said about a quick registry office marriage. 💕
Do you feel like you can stay if you are not married? Or is it a deal breaker?
Only you can know how you feel and how you want to proceed hoing forward.
You have options.
Your feelings are valid.
Hugs to you 🫂

I went through this although we didn't have a baby. We were together for six years and it felt like everyone else in that time met, got married and had babies, whilst I was still waiting and trying to earn his proposal. I did resent him and it affected my self esteem a lot. I felt like my life was on hold waiting around for him.

I had a deadline in my mind but he actually proposed before it. I said yes, but lost a lot of weight as we wedding planned and was quite depressed, which I didn't understand at the time. We broke off the engagement (mainly because of his awful mother), and in hindsight I think I never truly believed he wanted to marry me or loved me enough.

In your situation I think I'd tell him I still wanted marriage and try to find out why he seems to be hesitant.

I'm sorry you're hurting. He may not know how important it is to you if you haven't spoken about it. When you've had kids first, it might feel less important to him. It's perfectly fine for you to have a discussion about it and then work out whether the answer works for you. He may love you dearly but be happy with status quo but not see the point in an expensive wedding if you already have a family and assume you feel the same

Alternatively, if it's a marriage that's important to you rather than a proposal, have you considered proposing to him (as PP have suggested)? Admittedly, that's potentially setting yourself up for heart ache if you suspect he may have changed his mind, but that's what men do all the time when they propose.

Agree with this

I wouldn't want to marry someone who had to be dragged up the aisle against his wishes

Far better to say "it appears yiu don't want to marry and I need to think whether I want to stay in the relationship "

Be thr master of your own ship

I'm sorry OP, I just think any man that has a child and doesn't get married is rude. I got married twenty years ago, and I still can't believe how lucky I am. The public, written commitment has real gravity when times are hard. It's disrespectful for him not to prioritize you being his wife. It's a pathetic dilution of family life.

I have no respect for men like this. I agree, YANBU to give an ultimatum in these circumstances. good luck Op I hope it works out for you.

I know plenty of families that don't involve a married couple and are in no way a "pathetic dilution" of anything but I'm glad that you're happy and feel lucky.

Marriage is good for some scenarios, not for all.

OP are you aware of the financial protections marriage gives you? Is he? Unromantic as it seems, a quick registry office wedding is really important to protect you. If you approach it this way (ie not on an emotional basis) might he be more receptive?

You do need to ask him, even if it's difficult. It appears like he has been future faking you and if so that's despicable.

I would say "DP, we always spoke about marriage and now baby is here I think we should set the date." Then watch him very closely for his reaction. If it an enthusiastic "yes let's do that" which I suspect it won't be then you know.

This.

if you gave your child his last name because it was assumed you’d be getting married, it’s totally fair of you to say “If you’ve decided you don’t want to get married, I want to double barrel DC’s last name” (or change it to yours).

But from what you’ve written it doesn’t sound like he’s definitely changed his mind! Before you do the above, I would just say “I’d still like to get married, shall we set a date?” If you get anything other than enthusiasm, then say the above and give the ultimatum.

Is there no chance that he’s being evasive because he’s got a plan?

Honestly, forget about catching a bouquet or being a bride for a moment.

If nothing else, if you hadn't been with this guy you would have had your DC.
Focus now on making sure you and they are as financially secure as you can be.

how are your finances arranged currently? Who owns your home? Are you working? What assets do you have?

I woudl focus on getting all of this sorted out. An ultimatum for a wedding would feel meaningless for me.