My partner doesn’t want to marry me, should I give an ultimatum or forget about it

[Bonnie2nd]

Before I begin, I’ll mention I’m ND and I really struggle with communicating and find it overwhelming having deep discussions as I can’t always process the words.
I have been with my partner for 4 years, we live together and we have a 1 year old.
We discussed early on that we wanted to get married asap and have a baby, due to us being in our 40s we chose to have a baby first before it was too late. Which was lucky because my menopause has since arrived.
He would talk about rings and how the wedding would look and that he couldn’t wait for me to be his wife. When baby was born he stopped talking about marriage. I forgot about it as I was so focused on my baby so I didn’t let it bother me.
Over time the realisation that he doesn’t want to marry me has crept in and I feel pretty low. I found this out when discussing a bill and the subject came up about needing to be married to do XYZ legally, and he said it didn’t matter as it would go in his will that I am entitled to do so. This flagged up as obvious he wouldn’t be marrying me.
He had an old friend visit to meet the baby and he asked my partner why he hadn’t proposed yet. My partner stayed silent and ignored the question.
We now have a ‘surprise’ wedding to go to in August and I know the guests will be asking why we’re not engaged yet or telling me I’ll be next and to catch the bouquet. The thought of that makes me feel completely rubbish knowing I’ll never experience a wedding or being a wife or sharing my child’s surname. I don’t even want to go to the wedding as I know I’ll feel sad for myself whilst happy for the couple.
I know weddings should come before babies but I’m so glad I had my baby first or I may have never experienced being a mother which is more important to me.
I just feel like I’ve wasted my time with the wrong person if he’s realised he doesn’t actually love me or want to marry me. It’s really embarrassing whenever relatives raise the subject and he doesn’t respond. He knows how I feel so it hurts more than he doesn’t consider my feelings. I think I’m beginning to resent him and I’m not sure if I can fully love someone who doesn’t want a marriage and for us to be a family.
How do I discuss this with him? I’m no good with words or confronting anyone. I know I’ll break down in tears and I don’t want a sympathy proposal, I’d say no. I’m not sure if I even want one anymore after the recent comments and actions.
Did anyone else go through this and did you stay with him or leave if he didn’t propose? Can you give up on the dream of a marriage and still stay together?
Thanks for reading

I think you are making a huge leap here and a lot of assumptions. Cleary something has shifted or his priorities have changed. But this does not mean he doesn’t love you, or that marriage will never happen.

You could approach like- ‘marriage was very much our shared goal, and it feels like priorities might have changed-can you tell me how it feels for you?’
’ I noticed you are silent and uncomfortable when wedding plans or engagements are mentioned, can we talk about that?’

He should also know you well enough that as someone with ND you might find changing plans and lack of clarity difficult and that he needs to help address it.

i think the style above is very non confrontational and would keep things calm. And should prevent things getting too heated or emotional. Of course its ok to feel emotional about your disappointment but him feeling that accutely already is likely what is the blocker here.

It's not about feelings. It's a business calculation.

So

1. Gather proof of finances FIRST.
2. Give the ultimatum.

3a. Be married. OR 3b. File for child support and an arrangement that suits you and get legal advice beforehand.

A stitch in time saves nine.

Not nice? Fuck it, neither is he on this subject.

It's obviously something that's important to you and you thought that's what would happen. Right now he has it all on a plate, a lovely family but he's not willing to make a commitment, so I'd really want to understand why and know you are both the most important people in his life, he really wants to be with you both and you are both financially secure if something was to happen to him.

Listen to what he has to say and then decide afterwards if from what he's said, it's a real deal breaker. Would you spend many years regretting your decision, or do you know you'd move on/potentially meet someone else in the future.

I would forget about proposals, engagements etc BUT have a very frank conversation about how important marriage is to you. Stay calm, don't cry or plead. It's about protection for you and your child, it's about status, it tells the world you are a unit, whatever matters to you. Say you want to book a registry office and get married. I don't know your financial or living arrangements with your partner but I would also review and make sure going forwards that you can survive financially on your own, pay into a pension etc. If you rely on him financially when unmarried you are in a very precarious position.

This.

Don’t forget Wills can be changed in an instant but a marriage gives security.

I agree that an ultimatum is not the way forward- you’ll always know it wasn’t something he wanted and that will have an impact on your self-esteem and your relationship with your partner. additionally, if he agrees to get engaged because he feels pressured, it either won’t happen (he’ll agree to engagement but nothing more will happen, unless forced) or the marriage will fail because it is not what he actually wants.

I think you need to decide for yourself if not being married is a dealbreaker- you need to be clear on what it is you want and why so that you can be clear with him. No point going into a conversation about what you want without being clear about what is an absolutely requirement vs what would be a “nice to have” and could be compromised on. Is it the financial security of marriage, is it the visible commitment and expression of love that comes with marriage, or perhaps all of that.

Once you have clarified inn your own mind what you want/need going forward then I think there is no way to avoid having to have that difficult talk about marriage and be clear that it is something important to you, that you thought it was important to him too- he certainly said it was- and you need to know where he stands so you can make decisions about what is right for you. You could start it by writing a letter but ultimately you will have to speak to him face to face about it.

Maybe he has changed his mind regarding marriage, perhaps he was always “future faking”, or possibly he doesn’t feel you can afford the wedding he/you imagined when you made those plans and does not want to disappoint you? Has something changed for him that has put him off/made him wary of marriage? For example, a close friend or family member going through a messy divorce. You won’t know until you discuss it.

FWIW, I think marriages relative later in life can be more complicated re assets- often more have been accumulated before the marriage takes place than if you married in your 20’s, and if one partner brings significantly more to the marriage (e.g. property, savings, investments or pensions) there can be a fear that if anything goes awry in the marriage, they stand to lose a lot of what they have worked for over many years. Of course nobody goes into marriage expecting it to fail, but the reality is that many do, and most people are aware of the possibility/possible repercussions for them financially if that were the case.

I’m not sure i would want to marry if I were single and met someone now (in my early 40’s)- especially if I had significantly more in the way of assets- because of the potential outcome for me and having less time to mitigate/re-accumulate what I might lose in the case of divorce. Of course, them having a young baby does impact on that- but unless OP has stopped working, having a baby will not necessarily have a negative impact on her earning or pension (I’m not saying it can’t, just that it does not have to if she is still working- it made no difference to my career at all). If she is not working, she needs to rethink that plan and go back to work to ensure she is financially secure now and in the future.

I agree with this.

More generally, OP, it’s not unreasonable for you to feel this way. And if he has changed his mind and doesn’t want to marry you, you really should consider leaving him because if he isn’t fully committed to you, it will end anyway. Better now than a few years down the line.

If you are worried about communicating how sad this makes you, maybe write him a letter as a starting point. That way you can get all your points across in the way you want. You will still have to talk about it, but at least you will feel like you have said what you wanted to say.

Best of luck. I really hope this works out.

Just curious — why give the baby your partner’s surname? Legally, marriage tends to disadvantage him now that you have kids, with little benefit on his side.

You really do need to talk to him about it - as you get overwhelmed, I'd write down your bullet points onto a piece of paper to help focus your mind, or write a letter but be there when he reads it. Practice breathing techniques to calm your nervous system (e.g. the easiest one to remember is 'box breathing') which might help you to stop getting overwhelmed and crying when you need to talk. A good marriage/partnership requires good communication so you need to practice this anyway! Do you think there are any reasons he might not want to get married any more? He might have concerns that need talking through.

Firstly, get your name added to your baby's name @Bonnie2nd . He has tricked you into giving your child his name only, which is a classic tactic of these future fakers, once that is done, I would take steps to separate.

Ask him to marry you? The proposal does not need to come from him

I think you need to establish whether it's that he just doesn't want the big fuss of a wedding or being married (to you?) that he's resisting. If it's just the cost/hassle/fuss of a wedding then suggest the 2 of you just nip down to the registry office next week and solve that one.

If it's being married, you need to dig a bit deeper as unless he's got good reason (parents married multi times or someone he knows getting conned or something) this would suggest a lack of long term commitment - you have a child together and live together so why is the added legal layer of marriage such a weird concept? It gives you both really important legal rights and protection (he talks of a will - does he actually have one that you've seen?) and a shared name for your child's sake if that's what you want.

If you are happy he's committed but won't marry, then I would look very carefully at the legal and financial position you are in and don't leave yourself reliant on him or exposed in case anything happens (death, separation, major illness etc)

I know this sounds pretty drastic. But I would be upping and leaving. He has misled, been manipulative. It wouldn't be an ultimatum from me. I'd be straight up saying his lack of action is clear and painful. Though, I'd admit I would have asked to set a date by now where it had been so explicitly discussed in the past.

Either way, he knows your take on this and hasn't been honest. I couldn't live in that environment nor could I use an ultimatum as it'd feel forced and it'd be switching resentment from being let down to having to eternal doubt.

It’s absolutely fine not to want to be married- I’m not and have never wanted to be. But it has to be discussed openly and regularlyright from the very beginning. This has not happened. He is dishonest and manipulative. If you can, I think you should leave him. And change your child’s last name.

Stay with him for the baby on the best terms you can get.

It's doesn't take long to get married, you should have got married first.

OP, what are your reasons for wanting to marry?

Financial and legal security and stability?
Emotional commitment?
Romantic wedding and public celebration of relationship?
Tradition / cultural / religious?

Have you had a calm conversation with him and asked him why he had changed in his enthusiasm for getting married?

Are you secure? Is the house in both your names? Do you have your own income and pension?

Tbis is paramount. Without marriage NO WAY would I compromise my own financial security. Be clear: without marriage you work the same hours as he does, you pay childcare pro rata to income, he takes as many child sick days as you do, ditto school runs. Do not do any of his share of childcare to the detriment of your own financial security.

If the house is his, because you moved into his house, buy your own property. Pay into your own pension. This is why you can’t afford to subsidise his career / childcare costs with your labour.

Fun fact: you can change your name to anything you like at any time, marriage or no marriage. So could he: so you could have given your baby your surname and he could have changed his name to yours had he wanted the baby to have his name.

Unfortunately you will now need his permission to change or add your name to your child’s.

But start with the calm honest direct conversation. Bring clear about what you want or need from marriage, and listen to his reasons for his change of heart / reluctance.

If your house belongs to you and you alone are on the Deeds: think very hard and think again about whether marriage is in your best interests. Given his swerve.

I wouldn't want to marry someone I felt I was being pushed to marry.
I see it from his and your pov OP, it's got to be mutual to start with otherwise it's going to cause resentment on the part of the reluctant party and the next time we hear from you will be to say, it's gone toes up and a divorce is on the cards after a year or so.

You actually are good with words. What you've written here is very well worded.

At the very least you need to know why he doesn't want to get married and he needs to know how much marriage means to you. It might be the case that there's a simple miscommunication here. Tell him what you've told us.

Perhaps you're better at writing about your feelings than speaking about them. That's ok too. You can write to him.

Do you have a special occasion or holiday coming up Bonnie2nd?

Is it at all possible that he may be planning to propose and has just kept quiet so he doesn't give the game away? Is he ND too?

If not, then yes, you need to talk to him about how you feel.

Yes this !
Trick someone they are ment to love into believing they are going to marry them. Get the baby they want and the child to have their name and can’t respect the mother enough for marriage.

Have you not read the Op’s post? She has said she is ND and not good at communicating and that having discussions upsets her as she can’t always process the words.
It is infuriating when people put their opinions across without bothering to read the original post properly!

this!

why on earth did you give your child his name?

Unfortunately if you want to be married you need to only be with men who want marriage and don’t form any form of commitment until you are married. You threw away any leverage by having a baby first (understandably) but have to accept this man will never marry you.

You cant force someone to marry you, thats wrong on so many levels. You can speak to him about it but you cant give an ultimatum.

Oh I just see the child has his name.

See if you can change that.