My partner doesn’t want to marry me, should I give an ultimatum or forget about it

[Bonnie2nd]

Before I begin, I’ll mention I’m ND and I really struggle with communicating and find it overwhelming having deep discussions as I can’t always process the words.
I have been with my partner for 4 years, we live together and we have a 1 year old.
We discussed early on that we wanted to get married asap and have a baby, due to us being in our 40s we chose to have a baby first before it was too late. Which was lucky because my menopause has since arrived.
He would talk about rings and how the wedding would look and that he couldn’t wait for me to be his wife. When baby was born he stopped talking about marriage. I forgot about it as I was so focused on my baby so I didn’t let it bother me.
Over time the realisation that he doesn’t want to marry me has crept in and I feel pretty low. I found this out when discussing a bill and the subject came up about needing to be married to do XYZ legally, and he said it didn’t matter as it would go in his will that I am entitled to do so. This flagged up as obvious he wouldn’t be marrying me.
He had an old friend visit to meet the baby and he asked my partner why he hadn’t proposed yet. My partner stayed silent and ignored the question.
We now have a ‘surprise’ wedding to go to in August and I know the guests will be asking why we’re not engaged yet or telling me I’ll be next and to catch the bouquet. The thought of that makes me feel completely rubbish knowing I’ll never experience a wedding or being a wife or sharing my child’s surname. I don’t even want to go to the wedding as I know I’ll feel sad for myself whilst happy for the couple.
I know weddings should come before babies but I’m so glad I had my baby first or I may have never experienced being a mother which is more important to me.
I just feel like I’ve wasted my time with the wrong person if he’s realised he doesn’t actually love me or want to marry me. It’s really embarrassing whenever relatives raise the subject and he doesn’t respond. He knows how I feel so it hurts more than he doesn’t consider my feelings. I think I’m beginning to resent him and I’m not sure if I can fully love someone who doesn’t want a marriage and for us to be a family.
How do I discuss this with him? I’m no good with words or confronting anyone. I know I’ll break down in tears and I don’t want a sympathy proposal, I’d say no. I’m not sure if I even want one anymore after the recent comments and actions.
Did anyone else go through this and did you stay with him or leave if he didn’t propose? Can you give up on the dream of a marriage and still stay together?
Thanks for reading

This is going to sound brutal but: if you don't want a sympathy proposal, or to feel like you've coerced him into it, then you want him to WANT to marry you. And clearly, for whatever reason, he does not.

While I think you should absolutely talk to him - factually, not emotionally. "I want to get married. Shall we book it?" etc - I think it's more important that you decide whether or not that's a dealbreaker for you and then crucially (for your own sake) either get past it or break up. There's no point moping about it and feeling sad for years and saying 'he doesn't want us to be a family' (FYI, you're already a family) - work out a way to let it go, or if it's enough of a dealbreaker for you then end things and co-parent.

Practically speaking: change your baby's surname to yours or a double barrel, there's no reason they should have his name and not yours. If you'd like to stay together sort out beneficiaries on any policies and make sure all finance stuff is sorted.

Weddings are an outdated concept for many people other than for financial reasons.

I’ve been with my partner for nearly 20 years and we have a 4 year old DS who has my partners surname.

Many of our fiends are in similar positions. I’ve yet to meet a man who really wants to get married. It’s not so much the idea of being married but the actual wedding itself that’s a turn off for them.

However the impending changes to pensions and inheritance tax means that most of us will have to get legally attached before 2027 to prevent our DC losing out on huge amounts of inheritance.

I have a pension pot of £1m so not getting legally joined will mean my DS loses out on £400k.

I think we’ll just get a civil partnership as we’re not religious. It’ll be very much a case of quietly signing the forms with a couple of random witnesses dragged off the street. I doubt we’ll even tell anyone we’ve done it.

If you just want financial security and one or both of you has reasonable amounts of assets particularly in pensions, then I why not suggest to him to do something similar?

Of course you can give an ultimatum. If you don't want to continue the relationship without that commitment and protection, you can leave. It's not forcing anything on him. If he'd rather lose her than marry her, he can make that choice and some might argue that she's better off without a man who prefers that.

She isn't forcing him to marry and he isn't forcing her to stay. What, she can't choose to leave if he won't commit? That's "forcing"?

I don't think it sensible to give an ultimatum - nothing good will come from this. I think you should have a sensible discussion about marriage. I think you should move accordingly including changing your Childs surname. I think it sensible to review your finances and not be tied to someone who doesn't want to marry you.

Ultimatums are fine if there's no child involved but it's a bit different with a child involved.

Without a child he has total free choice.

With child, then yes, he's being forced to choose between losing lot of time with his child or doing something he doesn't want to do. If someone put that pressure on a woman we'd be calling it controlling and abusive.

It’s not controlling to want your child and yourself to have financial and legal protections. At the moment @Bonnie2ndhas neither. So her partner has to either marry her or go with her to a solicitor to put those protections in place. It is absolutely fine to insist on this-to issue an ultimatum.

Threads like this always make me wonder why sperm banks are frown upon Women keep getting into relationships with the wrong men for the only reason their biological clock is ticking.

Basically this man mislead and future faked you because he wanted a child. You were used OP. I would go to a lawyer and inform on were you stand legally speaking, what can be done to protect you and the child and legal consequences of you walking out with your child if he says "no" to marriage. I would map out all possibilities and do my homework before dropping any bombs at home.

Except they agreed upfront they planned to marry and he reneged once the baby arrived.

You could equally argue that his behaviour was coercive as he lied about wanting to marry knowing once they had a baby she would be less likely to leave him once she learned he did not want to marry.

You can't change your child's name without his consent if he has parental responsibility.

If he doesn't, you can.

I’ve yet to meet a man who really wants to get married.

I really, really doubt that. You think they've been coerced at every wedding you've been to? It's still mostly men who propose, they were all strong armed into it?

In my experience, men are actually pretty keen to marry once they are with the woman they really want. If there's one thing men do well, it's following their desires and if they know they want this woman for life, they're usually pretty keen to make it happen, even if they previously swore they weren't interested in marriage (and they often weren't, before...)

Sometimes - sometimes - men need to be told that the woman won't stay if they don't commit because that's what it takes to get them to stop taking her for granted and realise how much they love her. If that's not the case, they can choose to remain unmarried at whatever cost it's worth to them.

Men will marry women when they're afraid of loosing her, when they don't want to marry that's because they don't care about loosing her.

And she's forced to choose between giving him everything he wants on his terms or setting her life up without a man who's not committed. Choices bring changes. You can't always have everything you want.

If he's a good father then there's no reason he can't still have lots of time with his child and be an involved parent, even if he doesn't think it's worth marrying the mother to help facilitate that.

I didn't want to be quite so blunt about it but yes... that's the tl;dr version.

I wouldn't give an ultimatum personally, that could really backfire. I would just sit him and down and explain that you both had a plan of marriage and children, now the marriage part seems to have gone out the window, ask him if he's changed his mind and reassure him that it's ok if he's changed his mind you just want him to be honest with you about it so you know where you stand. Explain how it makes you feel and see what his response is to that.
Once you know his choices on it you can act accordingly to how you accept his choice, if he does want to get married great, wait for the proposal knowing it is coming one day, if he doesn't want to get married anymore then you have to consider whether you can continue in a relationship where you're not getting what you fully want, or if you'd accept other ways such as changing your name by deed pole to match your child's surname and you can change your title to Mrs aswell. There are options that you can explore before you call it a day but the most important thing is to discuss this and options with him first x

@Bonnie2nd
Do you and your partner own or rent your home, and is it in joint names or his/your name only?
Are you in paid work? Full time or part time?
Are you two roughly equal in terms of your income and savings?
Does he have life insurance? Are you the beneficiary? What about his will, does he want to leave his assets to you?

I don't think he's going to be any more honest in one of these "sit him down" talks than he's been in all the preceding years. "Wait for the proposal knowing it is coming one day"... well, she thought she knew that already as they did agree, but it's never happened and he'll just kick the can down the road saying he'll propose when he's ready etc. And then, if the threads we get on here all the time about this are anything to go by, he'll hold it over her every time she does something he doesn't like. "Well I was going to propose but then you did this..." It leaves her hanging for this proposal and leaves it all up to him, no power for her.

Honestly, if you don't have the traditional "man proposes" situation, and many couples don't, if you do just have a conversation and decide to do it, then you both need to start arranging it straight away.

Her ultimatum will only "backfire" if she isn't prepared to follow through on it. If she really means it, she'd rather be without him than not married to him - and if he'd rather be without her than married to her, that could be better for her - then it's just living her life unfettered and ready for the commitment she wants.

Is it the wedding of the marriage that he doesn't want?

Completely agree with this.

The couple have a child together, so they are way beyond romantic proposals and getting down on one knee.

If they want to have a big party to celebrate their relationship, great, have a wedding.

But at this point it's more important to financially and legally ensure that their child is protected, whether that means marriage or another agreement.

What do you want? To get married? To have an insta engagement and big white wedding?
You need to have a proper actual conversation.

If you love him and he's otherwise a good partner then I would suggest discussing it in couples therapy.

You need to know why he changed his mind. You're assuming it's because he doesn't love you but you may be wrong. It could be he is worried about finances. It might be the wedding day itself that scares him. Maybe he'd consider a civil partnership instead. You need to talk through why you want a marriage and why he doesn't and try to find a compromise.

@Bonnie2nd is it marriage or a wedding that you really want? If it’s marriage or civil partnership, tell him you’d like to book a quick no frills registry office appointment, so that it’s just a legal ceremony. No need for rings, bridesmaids, reception, wedding dress, cars or other expenses.

I don’t think you can change the baby’s surname without his permission, but you could hyphenate the name and make sure your part of the surname is first

I would argue that if that's what happened.

Seems unlikely he promised marriage though becaise if he had the OP could have arranged a marriage in 30 days, & done the marriage before baby.

Seems more likely he promised nothing and ended up with a conception he was luke warm about.

@Imbusytodaysorryinfuriating is a bit of a strong response 😂

The OP has expressed herself here really well. Those feelings need to be shared with her DP.

It’s not controlling to want your child and yourself to have financial and legal protections.

It would be considered that on MN if a man was doing it.

"She can change her surname to his though,by deed poll, even without getting married."

"if you'd accept other ways such as changing your name by deed pole to match your child's surname and you can change your title to Mrs aswell."

Please do not do this, OP!

If he doesn't want to marry you, don't just change your name anyway 🙄

Assuming he is on the birth certificate he will need to agree to changing the baby's surname. Baby could just have your surname (with his surname as a middle name) or could have both surnames (with or without a hyphen). But his surname only is no longer an option.

If you're going to give an ultimatum, that's the one I'd give. Don't want to get married? Fine, but you need to give your consent to change baby's surname.