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Original poster

My partner doesn’t want to marry me, should I give an ultimatum or forget about it

234 replies

Bonnie2nd · 24/06/2025 21:48

Before I begin, I’ll mention I’m ND and I really struggle with communicating and find it overwhelming having deep discussions as I can’t always process the words.
I have been with my partner for 4 years, we live together and we have a 1 year old.
We discussed early on that we wanted to get married asap and have a baby, due to us being in our 40s we chose to have a baby first before it was too late. Which was lucky because my menopause has since arrived.
He would talk about rings and how the wedding would look and that he couldn’t wait for me to be his wife. When baby was born he stopped talking about marriage. I forgot about it as I was so focused on my baby so I didn’t let it bother me.
Over time the realisation that he doesn’t want to marry me has crept in and I feel pretty low. I found this out when discussing a bill and the subject came up about needing to be married to do XYZ legally, and he said it didn’t matter as it would go in his will that I am entitled to do so. This flagged up as obvious he wouldn’t be marrying me.
He had an old friend visit to meet the baby and he asked my partner why he hadn’t proposed yet. My partner stayed silent and ignored the question.
We now have a ‘surprise’ wedding to go to in August and I know the guests will be asking why we’re not engaged yet or telling me I’ll be next and to catch the bouquet. The thought of that makes me feel completely rubbish knowing I’ll never experience a wedding or being a wife or sharing my child’s surname. I don’t even want to go to the wedding as I know I’ll feel sad for myself whilst happy for the couple.
I know weddings should come before babies but I’m so glad I had my baby first or I may have never experienced being a mother which is more important to me.
I just feel like I’ve wasted my time with the wrong person if he’s realised he doesn’t actually love me or want to marry me. It’s really embarrassing whenever relatives raise the subject and he doesn’t respond. He knows how I feel so it hurts more than he doesn’t consider my feelings. I think I’m beginning to resent him and I’m not sure if I can fully love someone who doesn’t want a marriage and for us to be a family.
How do I discuss this with him? I’m no good with words or confronting anyone. I know I’ll break down in tears and I don’t want a sympathy proposal, I’d say no. I’m not sure if I even want one anymore after the recent comments and actions.
Did anyone else go through this and did you stay with him or leave if he didn’t propose? Can you give up on the dream of a marriage and still stay together?
Thanks for reading

OP posts:
lilacbreeze · 25/06/2025 02:57

But it is not abusive or any sort of domestic abuse

lilacbreeze · 25/06/2025 02:58

also I doubt guests will be so rude to ask why you’re not engaged, tell them it’s none of their business if they do.

FastTiger · 25/06/2025 02:58

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TheBig50 · 25/06/2025 02:58

Sorry if I missed it... I can you live together, do you have a mortgage? If so is in both names? It's no good him talking about a will if he owns the property and you split.

lilacbreeze · 25/06/2025 02:59

This reply has been deleted

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I’m not. I just said his change of mind is shit and his lack of marriage being important anymore is disappointing and rubbish for OP, and he’s certainly behaved well- but he’s not abusive. You’re making a mockery out of women who actually are abused.

lilacbreeze · 25/06/2025 03:00

Behaved not well*

FastTiger · 25/06/2025 03:00

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lilacbreeze · 25/06/2025 03:01

OP I think you need to ask him if marriage is still on the agenda or not. You will only get an honest answer out of him, not of anyone on here. I am also ND and would want to know even if it means I asked bluntly. It may just be the case of him worrying he can’t afford it, or unfortunately he may have just changed his mind about marrying then you will need to make a decision about what you do next

lilacbreeze · 25/06/2025 03:03

I would not give an ultimatum or forget it. I would just have an honest conversation with him about it. Ask if he still wants to get married to you and see what he says.

SENNeeds2 · 25/06/2025 03:15

I wonder if he plans to propose soon but wants to keep it a surprise … is there any chance the ‘surprise’ wedding later this year is your surprise?

user1492757084 · 25/06/2025 03:33

Ultimatum time.
Leave baby with a close family member and discuss your future together.

The big comment - I value marriage and I feel like you view me as rubbish because, after discussing marriage and children and after making a consious decision to have a baby first, you have not proposed. I will continue to feel worthless if you deem me unworthy to marry you.

The big question Do you love me enough to marry me?
If you do not then I have to tread forward alone, I'm sorry.
You are not the person I thought you to be. We no longer agree on the big ticket issues that underpin our relationship, society and the type of family and security I want for my child, my future and our lives together.

You could talk, you could write a serious note for him to reflect on but you have to address the problem before you feel no love for him.

Op, you can organise a nice wedding within months, not years and if your partner stalls and continues to be non commital, leave and create a home with the help of family etc.
With hindsight, getting engaged before having the baby would have been sound because you could have been organising and believing and trusting in your upcoming wedding with joy.

FableTheRaven · 25/06/2025 04:43

Not wanting to marry does not necessarily mean he doesn’t love you. However, marriage gives you a certain amount of protection. Do you both have wills? You mention he has said ‘it would go in his will’ which presumably means he hasn’t organised it yet. Is the mortgage in both your names? Do you have separate bank accounts?
Practically, if you were to separate, would you be able to co parent amicably? If you were to separate, as a mother in your 40s, your dating pool would be significantly reduced, so while of course I’m not suggesting you stay together if you are unhappy, you will have to accept the fact that it’s not a given that you will marry someone else.
You must talk to him. It’s entirely possible that he is unaware of how acutely you are feeling this way.

CuriousKiteFlyer · 25/06/2025 04:55

Try to have a calm conversation about it and keep an open mind, you never really know what someone else is thinking. Maybe try adding a deadline eg.
"It's been so busy with the baby, we haven't had a chance to follow through on our marriage plans, I'd like to have a simple ceremony this year, would that work for you?

tripleginandtonic · 25/06/2025 05:15

Maray1967 · 24/06/2025 22:06

Your DC is not old enough to know his/her own surname yet, so I would change it to yours.

I’m not joking. I thing it is despicable for a man to refuse to marry a woman but expect that their child should have his name.

She can't without his agreement. Although why she gave baby his name before they're married if having the same name as her was important I don't know She can change her surname to his though,by deed poll, even without getting married.

Shoxfordian · 25/06/2025 05:25

Have an honest conversation, you could write him a letter to say how you feel if you find it hard to speak in the moment. If he wanted to then he would marry you though so its not looking like he does want to.

DoItLikeAWoman · 25/06/2025 05:31

Hi @Bonnie2nd- I know what you mean. You don’t really want to ASK him to want to marry you. You want him to desire that like you do and hence marry you. I take it it’s more the ‘he wants to marry me’ that’s missing from your life more than the ‘marriage’ element although you ideally want both.

i would not be giving ultimatums as he could just ‘agree’ to marrying you which would be really sad. Could you maybe have a conversation with him about ‘what do you think /feel now about being married’ without showing your cards. If he says yes I still want to but haven’t gotten around to the planning then you can take it further and say how much you’d like to proceed. And if he says he’s changed his mind then you know that upfront and you can decide how you’d like to proceed with / without him. You could also use this as the opportunity to say you want your child’s last name changed to yours/doubled-barreled.

I hope you can have an honest conversation and not end up with a forced proposal situation.

chatgptsbestmate · 25/06/2025 05:32

Do you want ro remain in a relationship with this man if you discover that he doesn't want to marry you?

PLEASE clarify this in your own mind and think through finances, where you'd live etc once the relationship is over

If the answer is no, you don't want to remain with him, and you've worked through , in your mind, money etc.....ask him to marry you.

No need for long sentences or deep conversations

Just ask him to marry you

I'm guessing he'll bat the question away or not answer or bumble around.....so you then know for sure that he doesn't want to marry you

End the relationship

Imo you cannot trust this man. He has changed his mind on something super crucial. You're better off without him

But before you ask him to marry you, make sure you've thought through what you'll do when he says no

whynotmereally · 25/06/2025 05:34

Are you assuming he doesn’t want to marry you based on the ‘evidence’ you have gathered.? If you haven’t already discussed it you need to do so.

if he’s not keen why not? Is it the money? The fuss/stress of organising? Or has something changed his feelings on marriage?

If it turns out you are correct and he doesn’t want to marry you, there’s a couple of things you need to consider. Firstly are you financially vulnerable in anyway? Do you jointly own your house, have separate finances/savings.Do you share costs equally ? Do yup have a pension? Are you earning similar or the higher income?

if you would not benefit from marriage practically then you can set that aside and consider if marriage is a dealbreaker for you. It’s fine either way but if it is you need to tell him.

ClassicStripe · 25/06/2025 05:50

I’ve been in this situation for 13 years. It only gets more painful and more embarrassing and harder to walk away. The resentment rots the relationship from the core.
Offer an ultimatum OP and if he doesn’t want to marry you then leave. He won’t change his mind.

2021x · 25/06/2025 06:04

Thats a shit situation OP. I am not surprised you feel awful especially as he is being so avoidant.

It means a lot to you, and that means you have to ask him about when you are getting married. You have discussed it before, so it is a reasonable expectation to follow it up.

However, you can't force him to marry you. If it is a deal breaker for you, be prepared to walk away from the relationship if you don't get an affirmative answer.

Good Luck xxx

Zippedydodah · 25/06/2025 06:12

I guess you could always propose to him? If he says no then you need to decide whether to split up or put up with the fact that he doesn’t want to marry you.

Betty1625 · 25/06/2025 06:41

Totally valid feelings. I'm in a similar boat....

Fantailsflitting · 25/06/2025 06:58

I spent too much time with a man who had no intention of marrying me. Honestly, I was lovely - I look back at old photographs and realise how hot I actually was - and I was a nice person. My dad eventually sat me down and asked if was there any sign that my boyfriend was thinking of marriage and I had to admit there wasn't. Dad, who was a wily old man, said that I should leave and find somebody who wanted to commit. I dumped the chap who was into no commitment and, shortly after, started going out with the man I married. I didn't have a child so perhaps a different scenario to you but really, if you have to practically force them at gunpoint or manipulate them into marrying you, it's not going to be much of a marriage. My husband wanted to marry me and have a future with me and it was so uncomplicated. I think your partner future faked you but you at least have a much wanted child and can look forward to the future - without him.

Cherrysoup · 25/06/2025 07:09

What’s your housing situation?

CornishDew · 25/06/2025 07:10

Whilst in that honeymoon phase, he may have thought marriage sounded good, but everyone is entitled to change their mind. Marriage can ultimately lead to divorce and as you get older, marriage decisions can’t just be based on love.

Two people in their 40’s getting into a relationship could have amassed assets that are starkly different. This reality can deter marriage. Before someone states the obvious, I’m not saying women do not deserve 50% of the property asset/savings created whilst working part time or being a SAHM - they do but two individuals meeting in their 40’s will already have assets and I don’t think it’s fair to split these assets. I say this as a female in my late 30’s that is unmarried by choice in a long term relationship