Adult children refusing to learn to drive - can/should I do anything about it?

[IdontwanttobeDrivingMissDaisy]

Hi everyone. As above, my two children (early/mid twenties) cannot drive and I am feeling very down about it as I feel like I have failed to prepare them adequately for adult life. There are other things I worry about too but this is the most obvious one.

I have some sympathy with how this happened, given that everything stopped for the pandemic and has been hard to sort afterwards. But I have done everything to get them to learn by offering to pay lessons, buy a car, sorted a friendly local instructor so they can actually get a test sorted (near impossible around these parts as in many others).

However, they just smirk at me and roll their eyes any time I mention it. After the latest conversation (ok rant) with one of my children about this, it is clear that the only one feeling the consequences of this is me - hence being up at 6 a.m. to drive one of them to the station (they work away during the week and come home weekends). I am therefore thinking of saying I will no longer drive them anywhere e.g. no more taxi service on weekends for my daughter and withdrawing my offer to help my son move flats in a couple of months' time.

I realise this sounds childish of me but I think unless I do this they will never learn to drive as I am enabling them. They say they don't learn because it's a hassle and they don't need to - but if I no longer help them out they will hopefully realise this is not true.

Obviously my worry is that if I do this it might make it less likely they come hom and damage our relationship. Despite my obvious frustration with them, I of course love them to bits and don't want to fall our with them. They are lovely responsible members of society in other ways, just a little naive about the world and the need to stand on their own two feet within it IMHO.

Has anyone else had this issue with their kids? Or should I just butt out. Honestly, I am not a controlling parent despite how this may come across. I think that is obvious otherwise I would have forced the issue earlier! Any advice would be really helpful.

I had this with one of mine, she stopped having the lessons I was paying for, so I stopped giving lifts to and from work and made her get the bus. She very quickly started lessons again.

Well obviously you can't force them to do something they don't want to. It's their choice if they want to learn or not. You can though, as you say, stop ferrying them around. I would probably help with one-off things like moving flat, but being a taxi would stop. Get them timetables for the buses and trains, and a couple of local cab company numbers and be done with it if it's bothering you.

The obvious answer is to stop driving them anywhere. While there is an alternative easier option, there's no incentive to drive.

Of of course they'll see it as unnecessary if they have you as a free taxi service!
Stand your ground!

Surely it depends where you live. DD only learnt because driving to work takes her 12 minutes; the bus about 40. And, of course, she has free parking when she gets there.

Do they actually need cars at present? Is is economically sensible fir them at this time? Could they get a cab/uber to the station?

At the end of the day, they are adults and learning to drive and running a car is their choice. Perhaps they are thinking of the planet.

I would give your daughter notice and say you are joining a gym/going swimming. Then join the gym/go swimming.

I’m happy to confront people but it sounds like you may prefer to avoid the arguement so if you are totally unavailable they cannot say this is just you forcing them to drive. Instead they can see the world doesn’t revolve around them and they need to make a choice.

By being out you also let her take the consequence when the taxi or bus doesn’t turn up. So break the habit by being busy.

Yeah I’d stop being their taxi. They’re adults, it’s well past time they learned about consequences of their actions.

They may never wish to learn to drive - that’s ok, but that’s their problem to solve, not yours.

I wouldn’t not help with the flat move but absolutely stop the rest. You are not a taxi service.

Help with the flat move as you would likely whether you were driving or not. The early morning taxis I’d stop, however just become unavailable for whatever reason (job, groups, looking after elderly relatives ect), whatever you can you think of. They’ll soon start to reconsider or find their own way. Although I didn’t drive till my mid thirties but I certainly didn’t rely on anyone giving me lifts.

Stop all lifts immediately. I’m pretty sure they’ll change their minds about driving.

Stop giving them lifts.At all. For anything.

They are adults you can’t make them do anything. But yes I wouldn’t be giving lifts. I would probably help them move tho (as I would do that anyway)

... so stop giving them lifts...?

‘I don’t want to anymore’ is enough reason to give about early morning lifts - you don’t need to be joining a gym or being busy! They’re grown ups now and need to learn that people aren’t at their beck and call for things they’re quite capable of sorting out themselves.

Obviously you stop driving them anywhere? They are refusing because they currently have chauffeur on call.

OP, when my DD was living at home during her twenties, (and I was despairing for various reasons), I got her driving lessons, explained to driving instructor that she might not be the most receptive learner she’d ever had, and told DD that she was having driving lessons as a condition of living at home. She rather grumpily went off for the first one, but actually took to it like a duck to water, so you just have to get over the hump of the first lesson.

I’m in the same situation. Dd had lessons and took a test last year but failed and hadn’t got behind a wheel since. I don’t get it at all. I was desperate to drive and I’ve set it all up for them.

I don’t see at all how it’s childish of you not to drive people around.

As adults they can make their own arrangements for travel, you'll need to change your routine for a while to stop being so available, as PP said, join a gym or something.
They can walk to the bus stop or call a taxi like other non drivers do, you're not leaving them stranded.

Noting your son moves out soon, I would dial back on the lifts but not stop them entirely. I would look to charge for lifts, after all it is your time, car wear and tear and fuel. If they chose not to drive that it us up to them, but free taxi service, that is up to you!

I think you already know the answer to this one OP. Stop giving them any lifts. They will quickly realise they go in fact need to learn, or they will face daily inconvenience. They are taking advantage of your kindness.

I’ve seen this playing out with my adult niece. You are not alone, but they also need to stop enabling it.

Good luck!

DD is mid 20s and can't drive however the town she lives in? She doesn't need to drive she lives close to work train station and tescos everything she wants is within easy walking distance the only time she needs lifts is when she visits me! She literally catches the train everywhere 🤷‍♀️ honestly I only learned when I "needed" too so I can understand her pov

You don’t need to “change your routine” or “join a gym” in order to have an excuse not to be up at 6am to drop an adult DD off for work.

So what you now need to go to the gym at 6am instead?? Kind of defeats the point does it not? Just tell her don’t want to get up at 6am anymore to take her to the station and it’s up to her to make her own travel arrangements.

If that’s enough for them to never come home to see you anymore then they are horrible, awful people…which I’m sure isn’t the case.

They are adults. I would carry on as you are, but not put myself out. Let them get on with it.

Also, book yourself a nice weekend away, and when they ask about it, look surprised and say ' I had the spare savings after I offered to spend some on you re lessons etc. Then as you weren't interested, spent MY money on Me"

Do not threaten them with spending it, its not their money. Its not in a pile waiting for them! Don't nag or speak of it again, just treat them like best friends who don't drive and you aren't a free 24/7 taxi service.

If they intimate they want lessons again, I would be pleased but make sure they book it etc, pay.

She does need to though if her Mum is getting up at 6am to drop her off for work. You aren’t doing that for your daughter.