Adult children refusing to learn to drive - can/should I do anything about it?

[IdontwanttobeDrivingMissDaisy]

Hi everyone. As above, my two children (early/mid twenties) cannot drive and I am feeling very down about it as I feel like I have failed to prepare them adequately for adult life. There are other things I worry about too but this is the most obvious one.

I have some sympathy with how this happened, given that everything stopped for the pandemic and has been hard to sort afterwards. But I have done everything to get them to learn by offering to pay lessons, buy a car, sorted a friendly local instructor so they can actually get a test sorted (near impossible around these parts as in many others).

However, they just smirk at me and roll their eyes any time I mention it. After the latest conversation (ok rant) with one of my children about this, it is clear that the only one feeling the consequences of this is me - hence being up at 6 a.m. to drive one of them to the station (they work away during the week and come home weekends). I am therefore thinking of saying I will no longer drive them anywhere e.g. no more taxi service on weekends for my daughter and withdrawing my offer to help my son move flats in a couple of months' time.

I realise this sounds childish of me but I think unless I do this they will never learn to drive as I am enabling them. They say they don't learn because it's a hassle and they don't need to - but if I no longer help them out they will hopefully realise this is not true.

Obviously my worry is that if I do this it might make it less likely they come hom and damage our relationship. Despite my obvious frustration with them, I of course love them to bits and don't want to fall our with them. They are lovely responsible members of society in other ways, just a little naive about the world and the need to stand on their own two feet within it IMHO.

Has anyone else had this issue with their kids? Or should I just butt out. Honestly, I am not a controlling parent despite how this may come across. I think that is obvious otherwise I would have forced the issue earlier! Any advice would be really helpful.

100% no lifts. Nobody in my family drives and never has. Taxis, bicycles, trains, scooters and busses are all perfectly reasonable means of transport. As are ones legs.
So she just needs to refuse the lifts. Every single time.

No I couldn’t afford it. My parents couldn’t either. It never would have crossed my mind. I didn’t learn until I was mid-twenties when I was earning a better wage. But the difference was, I used the bus. I certainly wouldn’t have been able to afford taxis! Especially not when there’s a bus from the end of the close that gets to the city centre in 20 minutes.

A lot of drivers seem to think it’s the only viable way to travel. I know that in places where there’s one bus a week it probably is, but I think knowing how to navigate public transport is an important life skill too.

And two of the major criteria every time I’ve moved home have been that I have 2 separate routes to work and that I can get home from the city centre at any time of night.

In Central London and most major European cities you don’t need a car day to day and the odds are you will have nowhere to keep a car even if you can afford the prohibitive costs. It makes more sense to use public transit and top up with taxis when needed (and occasional car hire if you have a licence).

Very different in the UK outside of cities but totally normal in cities.

It baffles me that ppl don’t want to learn to drive. Driving is the most valuable things I’ve learned !! Anyway I suppose they r adults so you can’t make them but I would drum it into them not to expect lifts from ppl all the time.

I find it incredible that you're even offering to pay for lessons as an incentive when they're taking such advantage of you. If they're earning money they should be paying themselves or at least splitting the cost. I thought you were going to say they were scared in which case you could help them overcome their fears but it sounds like they're just lazy.

My DS refuses to learn how to drive (although he loves cars?) because of a kind of fear or anxiety at getting behind the wheel. But he also has never lived anywhere where he needed a lift, so the pressure isn’t on.

I was thinking that this morning and now I've withdrawn my help its a case of fuck around and find out.

Absolutely stop giving lifts places. They’ll quickly change their minds.

Why should they spend huge amounts of their early career money gaining a skill they don’t use and running a vehicle they don’t need?

The OP doesn’t have to do the Monday morning station drop, presumably it enables them to stay longer (which is what she wants). The OP could also give them the number of a local taxi firm if they are outside of Uber areas.

I find it far more surprising that a couple of contemporary 20 somethings who work and live away from home in the city are returning very weekend. I loved mine returning home but if it was every week I’d be worried about them settling into their new homes/jobs.

It's unusual imo. All my dc and their friends couldn't wait to get their independence a d learn to drive.its a rite of passage.
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I have similar aged children and dd passed her test in 2021 and my 18 year old passed last week.

You are mad driving a 20 something year old around. It’s not petty or mean to say no more and that they need yo get a cab if the distance to the station is unwalkable.

My kids were motivated by not having to take public transport or a taxi and a car being a good idea career wise. Lessons stopped during the pandemic but dd found that YouTube had loads of instructional videos about driving by actual instructors and found them very useful for real life driving. She also got lots of practice in as she would drive to her dad’s for contact time and driving to the supermarket etc was allowed in 2020.

I have never learned to drive and I am in my sixties. I have managed fine and have been able to get public transport or taxis to places I need to go
My children were 22 and 35 when they learned to drive. They both learned when they needed to and when the time felt right. You can't make them so something that doesn't feel right to them
But also they can't expect you to always ferry them around.

I don't drive and have no desire to. I have very good reasons for it as I am sure other people do.
It's not compulsory

I would gradually withdraw all services. It has worked for my DS. He now does his own ironing, still not good at tidying his room but he has to live in it when home from uni and if he’s not around when I’m preparing meals the kitchen is now self service.

He sometimes turns on the charm re food but most of the time is happy to prepare his own meals.

Unfortunately my DH had a stroke not long after he was 17 and since he did most of the day to day taxiing, school run etc, DS was keen to pass his test quickly so he didn’t have to use the notoriously unreliable and infrequent bus service. It would have meant him hanging around in town (10miles away) until 6pm along with lugging his sports kit back and forth ( huge cricket bag in summer). So he passed his test in 3 mnths and has his own car. I still pay for petrol and maintenance but it means I have my time back. We live rurally so taxiing him to friends could use up a whole afternoon. He also didn’t want all the driving falling on me. He’s 21 this year so will be able to drive both cars.

His car is a little small if we need to go on any long trips as a family he will be able to share the driving. We did use it to go to Cornwall and back in a day for a funeral. It was as much less tiring being able to share the driving although I now have two men telling me how to drive.

You can't make them learn. Id definitely stop giving them lifts. If they don't want to drive. They use public transport.

Thanks again for all the later contributions. I have never had so many responses to a post! The conversation has taken on a bit of a life of its own, so just wanted to add a couple of things in response to questions/comments from others.

I absolutely understand that not everyone needs to drive if they live in a city etc. However, I do consider it a lifeskill like speaking another language or being able to do basic DIY (even though I now realise that all of this perhaps makes me old fashioned). One of them in particular is limiting their work options by refusing to learn as potential employers in their industry are often based at industrial parks etc., which don't necessarily have good public transport access. That is my primary concern i.e. why would they make life harder for themselves and how can I make them understand that that is what they are effectively doing.

That said, I am not a big driver myself and do not like cars. We hope to get rid of ours when we move somewhere more urban over next 5 years or so. If anything, this makes me more determined to encourage the kids to drive as we won't be able to help them anymore.

I am not dictating how they spend their own money - I have offered to pay for lessons and buy a car if they need one as I realise we are not on the same page about this. I just want them to be independent and not limit themselves jobwise. In the event that they pass their test and don't want a car, I am more than happy to drive them places. My main issue with driving them now is that I am protecting them from the consequences of their choices.

My daughter is coming home weekends at the moment because she is working on a contract that pays accommodation Monday to Friday, so she is saving on rent by not having her own place for two/three nights a week. In other words, this is a temporary situation to help her save for a house deposit. She also spends some weekends with friends and even when she is here we often don't see much of her. I realise by not spelling that out, I may have made us sound more co-dependent that we are!

Thank you again everyone. As I mentioned before, I see now that I should stop driving them around. It may be this makes it clear to them that they need to drive. Or it may be that they get along just fine and that if/when they think it is actually an issue in future for work or having kids, they can learn at that point. It has actually been really helpful to hear so many of you say that you came to it later in life when you actually needed it. And with the way everything is changing so fast, maybe everyone will be using driverless cars so this becomes a non-issue!

I also believe it is a life skill, and was surprised by friends who didn't even encourage their children to learn to drive while they had the time and opportunity while living at home with parents. It is all falling apart for one of them now at age 25 as she wants to move house/job, but cannot get public transport there.

The only thing I would say OP is that now is not a good time to be learning to drive as it is nigh on impossible to get a diving test, and you can spend a fortune on maintenance lessons while you wait!

I think driving is a life skill , stop giving them lifts and they’ll soon realise how convenient it is .

You're heavily over thinking this. They are adults, and you need to respect their choices.

You are also an adult and do not need to allow them to use you when they are capable of helping themselves but choose not to be independent. In fact, at this point I'd say that by continuing to give them everyday lifts you're actively not helping them stand on their own two feet.

If it seriously affects your relationship then you've got deeper problems. They may not like having to be independent but it -is- part of growing up and if they become self-reliant adults in the end they'll appreciate the necessity.

Hope you have parking for lots of cars though!

@IdontwanttobeDrivingMissDaisy My daughter is coming home weekends at the moment because she is working on a contract that pays accommodation Monday to Friday

So she is technically living at home (for tax purposes)? In which case she has funds to pay for taxis unless you live somewhere with minimal taxi cover. Have you ever asked her to take taxis instead of offering to ferry her?

Most industrial parks IME have minibus/bus services form the nearest station - its usually a requirement of development permission. If I’m out of town in such a location I don’t take my car, I simply pick a hotel close enough to the office to use the park courtesy buses or the odd taxi (which can be charged in as its out of town working). Like your DD I work on a mobile contract - I’m far less likely to use a car for day to day work than if I were in a fixed location job.

Fundamentally you just disagree on the importance of driving. I disagree it is a “life skill” in the way that cooking, cleaning, fixing items around the home might be. Its useful to me, I wouldn’t be without it but I can equally see why others manage perfectly well without cars or driving.

At some point in the future they may have somewhere with parking and find driving useful enough to cover the ongoing costs of running a car (which is the big issue for most 20 somethings - the up front cost is just the starting point). At that point they will take lessons.

Stop being their chauffeur.

They're adults and can figure it out themselves.

Absolutely stop being a mug and driving them around.

Help with the flat move though, or the DS may well decide to live at home for the next ten years instead.

Glad to hear OP you are going to stop the lifts.

Clearly there is little environmental reasons behind their decision as they are happy to burn OP's carbon or electric but not their own.

I can understand if they do not earn enough to run a car and you are trying to help out OP but that doesn't sound like the reason either.

As a parent when DD was little even living in the burbs I would have struggled to get her to the various party venues, activities, play dates etc without a car. When my parents got aged, taking them to hospital appointments etc was vital, accompanying them on public transport would take several hours what with the waiting, walking between stops, rather than half an hour by car. DD knew we were very happy to run her around when younger, pick her up from friend's houses at midnight etc but we always said it was on the understanding one day she would be driving and would have many many opportunities to think about her aged P's. She now picks me up from the station when the weather is bad for example without a moment's hesitation, always offering/almost insisting.

My SIL never learned to drive until she had a child and learning then when having a new child was very stressful for her and also quite expensive on the insurance at a time she had a mortgage, was on mat leave etc, but she knew it was the practical thing to do or her child would miss out on things or she would have to go part time to get child to various important appointments.

Waiting until you have to learn is not a good plan in this day and age where there’s a 6 month wait for a driving test.

Not everyone has to learn because of where they live or the career that they’ve chosen but some people choose career paths where they have to drive to different work locations and taking multiple trains and taxis is too expensive and time consuming. Even if it’s not necessary now, people further up the work chain may have the need to drive and younger people tend to learn how to drive quicker plus it’s easier to fund when you’re living at home rather than paying for your own.

Leave it up to them but they are very lucky that you ca. financially help with this.