Adult children refusing to learn to drive - can/should I do anything about it?

[IdontwanttobeDrivingMissDaisy]

Hi everyone. As above, my two children (early/mid twenties) cannot drive and I am feeling very down about it as I feel like I have failed to prepare them adequately for adult life. There are other things I worry about too but this is the most obvious one.

I have some sympathy with how this happened, given that everything stopped for the pandemic and has been hard to sort afterwards. But I have done everything to get them to learn by offering to pay lessons, buy a car, sorted a friendly local instructor so they can actually get a test sorted (near impossible around these parts as in many others).

However, they just smirk at me and roll their eyes any time I mention it. After the latest conversation (ok rant) with one of my children about this, it is clear that the only one feeling the consequences of this is me - hence being up at 6 a.m. to drive one of them to the station (they work away during the week and come home weekends). I am therefore thinking of saying I will no longer drive them anywhere e.g. no more taxi service on weekends for my daughter and withdrawing my offer to help my son move flats in a couple of months' time.

I realise this sounds childish of me but I think unless I do this they will never learn to drive as I am enabling them. They say they don't learn because it's a hassle and they don't need to - but if I no longer help them out they will hopefully realise this is not true.

Obviously my worry is that if I do this it might make it less likely they come hom and damage our relationship. Despite my obvious frustration with them, I of course love them to bits and don't want to fall our with them. They are lovely responsible members of society in other ways, just a little naive about the world and the need to stand on their own two feet within it IMHO.

Has anyone else had this issue with their kids? Or should I just butt out. Honestly, I am not a controlling parent despite how this may come across. I think that is obvious otherwise I would have forced the issue earlier! Any advice would be really helpful.

Do they have ideological reasons for not learning?

I find a lot of young adults are like this now. When I was in sixth form in the late 90s, every single one of us (about 30 of us) learned to drive as soon as we turned 17, we couldn’t wait.

But kids today seem not fussed. I would one hundred per cent not give them lifts. 6am lifts to an adult in their 20s? Fuck that.

Don't enable them as they'll take the piss forever. My mum never learned to drive. Her parents ferried her everywhere until they got too old to drive. Now she expects me to do the same. It's infuriating, though I say no far more often than her parents did. Believe me, the sullen inner teenager when you don't give in to the requests never goes away... Cut the lifts now so they're motivated to sort l themselves out before it's too late.

We all have different experiences.

DH was brought up in a Metropolitan City, went to Uni in a City, then came to London. During that time he would have been unable to afford lessons let alone a car and certainly didn't need one. He was also, at that time, prioritising his qualifications and his career.

He learnt at about 30/31 because I made it a condition of me getting pregnant. He had half a dozen lessons and then went on an intensive course for a week in Wales.

DD learnt at 24/25 when it was easier for work.

DS did it at 17/18 and it was a waste of time and insurance premiums on a car that pretty much sat on the drive for five years. When he did pick it up again, he needed some refresher lessons.

We lived in London for decades and now live on the Surrey borders so driving is not a key essential.

They’re mid 20s, time to take a step back. Your daughter can get taxis to and from the station. I’d still help your son move flats though.

I cannot believe you get up at 6am to take your adult daughter to work.

It isn’t your job. You are being a mug pandering to them.

I blame Uber! My youngest (21) refuses to learn to drive, even though we have given her money on two separate birthdays for a block of lessons. She just has no interest. The difference between her and me at her age is that she’s always taken taxis everywhere, since she was about 15.

DH and I used to be in shock about it. We’d never have dreamed of getting a taxi in our teens/early 20s unless there was no other option (after a night out when buses had stopped running, etc). She just swans round in them during the day like Lady Penelope (while complaining she has no money).

OP, just leave her to it. Stop the lifts (excluding emergencies). Sometimes they have to lie in the bed that they have made.

Ultimately you are not doing them any favours by fostering dependence in 20 year olds.

How independent are they otherwise? Do they do their own cooking washing and cleaning?

My son was at Uni, and then worked, in London. No interest in learning to drive, no motivation for him to do so. He did buy himself a scooter one Uni holiday to make getting to work easier - but he learned to drive fast enough once he had kids, moved back out of London again and needed that independence. It’s a shame when it is such a key life skill that it’s limiting to be without, even if your circumstances mean you don’t need to have a car - but if my DS is anything to go by, they’ll learn when they want (and need) to, all in their own good time!

When I was a young person lots of us used the free taxi telephone in hospital lobby to travel home safe after a night out.

Glad to hear you are going to stop facilitating this, occasional lifts are fine, but expecting you to drive her to work all the time, at 6am , is not fine. Then you have the smirking and eye rolling on top of that, it is entitled behaviour! Once you stop the free taxi service, I am sure they will rethink thier choices....

Could you afford a car in your teens and early 20’s? Many people can’t. My daughter was desperate to learn and bought an old banger with some money she was given at 18. Trouble was she couldn’t afford to service it and we discovered she was driving it with virtually non existent brake pads at one point. Learning to drive is very expensive. It took me a long time to learn as I couldn’t afford lessons and only passed when I was 29! I had my second child by then and couldn’t manage without being able to drive. My eldest had just got his first car at 35 with help from us and his in laws. He didn’t have the money for a car but now needs one for all sorts of reasons. If you are young and single and have good transport options it isn’t a necessity. My cousin learned at 17 but didn’t get a car until she was in her late thirties as she lived in London and didn’t need one. My daughter in law also leaned at 17 but has never had a car until her mid thirties .

Occasional lifts are fine helping out with a move is fine, being personal driver to grown ups isn't fine.

Please don’t quote the OP, especially on the very first page. We’ve all read it.

I thought they were trying to find a way to stop users doing this?

I suppose it depends on the definition of grown ups really. All situations are different. Some people move out at 18 and never go back . Others stay at home till late twenties or even thirties . Many can’t afford cars or lessons. Some live with good public transport options or have nowhere to keep a car or park.

Given that you have offered to help them get driving, leave them to it and don't be their taxi. They will probably regret turning down your generous offer of lessons eventually.

I still don't think parents should be on tap for constant lifts here and there though.

Why is it so important that they drive? Do they not have Uber or taxis in the places they live? Or public transport? Do their legs work?

It seems such a strange thing, a lifestyle choice, to try and force upon someone.

@IdontwanttobeDrivingMissDaisy

If they live and work in cities they don’t need to drive and the cost of running a car will be more than it is worth to them.

My 90s born city dwelling children and their friends were really not fussed about “L” plates as 17th birthday presents. For most of them the high cost of running a car made it pointless. 2 DC learned at that age and rarely ever used the tiny, old car which I spent a fortune insuring for them. It would have been cheaper to pay for taxis. 2 DC chose not to learn at that age. One has learned since but again, doesn’t run a car. One still has no need. They all live in one or zero car relationships.

hence being up at 6 a.m. to drive one of them to the station (they work away during the week and come home weekends). I am therefore thinking of saying I will no longer drive them anywhere e.g. no more taxi service on weekends for my daughter

So you want them to drive because you don’t want to do the taxi service rather than because you think they need to drive?

But this:

The reason I am worried that taking a harder line might put them off coming home, this is because getting from where they live/work to our house is doable via public transport but more inconvenient for them if I don't pick them up from station

Suggests you want them to drive so that they can come home more often without inconveniencing you.

So which is it? Stop the taxi service if you don’t wish to provide it. If you live in an area where taxis have to be booked a week in advance at peak times and are expensive or unreliable then be prepared for less visits, especially if they are in early years with limited disposable income.

withdrawing my offer to help my son move flats in a couple of months' time

This is petty. If they had driving licenses but couldn’t afford to run the size of car to move house would you really be refusing to help?

Stop the taxi service if you don’t want to provide it but be honest - you want them to drive for your benefit as much as theirs.

BTW - I don’t think of 6am as early on a Monday morning to go to work, especially if its once per week. Is the problem that it stops you getting to your own work?

Wait -- they don't live with you during the week? Coming to see you at weekends, but don't drive, and where you live not driving is a problem (although it's not a problem where they live)? Cut the apron strings. They may come and see you less. Separation is normal. Or have I missed something? When I was their age I never ever went home for the weekend.

I didn’t learn to drive until I was 26 but then didn’t rely on others to drive me about the place. We didn’t have a car growing up(though my mum could drive) but we had relatively good public transport from the village we lived in. So it was easy to get about.

boh mine learned to drive dieting the stop starts of covid restrictions, , one passed in 2020 and the other in 2022. Makes life so much easier wih them being able to drive.

id withdraw the early morning lifts for sure and only help with essentials such as house moves , I wouldn’t be helping if they smirked at me either. So rude.

You are wondering why, when you act as a free taxi service, they have no interest in putting in the time/energy to learn to drive? And you can’t figure out why that may be or how to address it?

It sounds like you give your DD one/two lifts per week? Two and from the station? Just say she can get a cab?

That’s not great news in relation to their careers. What sort of work are they doing and what do they hope to do in the future?

Admittedly I am in Australia with poor public transport options outside the big cities, but I work in senior leadership in a corporate head office. An open class licence has been a requirement for every role since moving into management. It might just be the industries that I work with, but this is not uncommon in my experience anyway.

Honestly the fewer people that drive, the better for the planet. I started lessons at 17 but didn’t pass my test until 43 (on and off returned to lessons through my life)

Grew up rural with some lifts, some trains and a lot of walking. Went to uni in London and married a Tube driver so free travel and no need to drive. Have come back to it with kids who need ferrying around in less public transport friendly Wales.

They don’t have to drive. It’s not an ‘adult’ skill that everyone has to have but also you don’t need to ferry them about. They can get taxis/buses/trains. I’m always glad for my public transport years. Cannot believe my kids have friends who have never taken a bus or train. Was good for us all to use them regularly. Driving can wait. If it’s needed they’ll come to it.