Adult children refusing to learn to drive - can/should I do anything about it?

[IdontwanttobeDrivingMissDaisy]

Hi everyone. As above, my two children (early/mid twenties) cannot drive and I am feeling very down about it as I feel like I have failed to prepare them adequately for adult life. There are other things I worry about too but this is the most obvious one.

I have some sympathy with how this happened, given that everything stopped for the pandemic and has been hard to sort afterwards. But I have done everything to get them to learn by offering to pay lessons, buy a car, sorted a friendly local instructor so they can actually get a test sorted (near impossible around these parts as in many others).

However, they just smirk at me and roll their eyes any time I mention it. After the latest conversation (ok rant) with one of my children about this, it is clear that the only one feeling the consequences of this is me - hence being up at 6 a.m. to drive one of them to the station (they work away during the week and come home weekends). I am therefore thinking of saying I will no longer drive them anywhere e.g. no more taxi service on weekends for my daughter and withdrawing my offer to help my son move flats in a couple of months' time.

I realise this sounds childish of me but I think unless I do this they will never learn to drive as I am enabling them. They say they don't learn because it's a hassle and they don't need to - but if I no longer help them out they will hopefully realise this is not true.

Obviously my worry is that if I do this it might make it less likely they come hom and damage our relationship. Despite my obvious frustration with them, I of course love them to bits and don't want to fall our with them. They are lovely responsible members of society in other ways, just a little naive about the world and the need to stand on their own two feet within it IMHO.

Has anyone else had this issue with their kids? Or should I just butt out. Honestly, I am not a controlling parent despite how this may come across. I think that is obvious otherwise I would have forced the issue earlier! Any advice would be really helpful.

You can't force them to learn to drive.
They can't force you to give them lifts.

That's all.

I am quite mystified when he first took a job that meant he needed to leave home at 6am that there was even a conversation that took place expecting you to give him a lift at that time of day. If he asked did you not just laugh and say sort yourself out?

Indeed. In all my years reading Mumsnet, I never cease to be amazed by how many parents (usually mums) are absolute doormats to their adult children.

I didn't learn to drive until I was 31 (my early post-university working life was in London, where public transwas the best option); before then, I used public transport all the time and had zero expectation that my dad would ferry me about. I paid for my own lessons, obviously.

I think a lot of people are missing the bit where the OP’s kids live away during the week & the 6am get up is a once a week thing, not daily.

Obviously the OP shouldn’t have to do the 6am regardless & the DD needs to find an alternative if she wants to keep spending weekends with the OP.

I never learned to drive, but neither did I expect my parents to ferry me around as an adult.

It's fine if they don't want to drive, but they need to learn that it's time they stood on their own two feet and you aren't at their beck and call.

It’s probably the same parents who drive their children to their primary school a 5 minute walk away. These will very likely grow into adults who can’t possibly walk or get public transport.

Maybe it's a London thing, I'd just let them be. Get them electric bicycles and save your time and money. They'll learn when they are ready and have the motivation to do so. It is not your responsibility to teach them and there is no need to learn by x date. There are too many cars on the road and we need to move away from being car dependent.

I love that none of the ‘must drive’ posters have answered what the roads would be like if everyone drove when they’re already full to the brim.

Well, just because everyone could drive, doesn't mean everyone would drive everywhere.

My sister lives in London and rarely drives, as she gets the tube etc

Exactly. My son passed his test a few months after his 17th birthday. At some points, he drove daily, at others he could go months without driving. Currently only driving a couple of times a week for journeys that can't be done by public transport. Before he moved to his current flat, he drove daily as the buses were useless between his old flat and his workplace. Just because you "can" drive doesn't mean you do all your journeys in your own car.

DS (25) passed his test at 18 but doesn't have a car or drive often because he didn't want a car at uni and now lives in London. But the ability to drive has been important and he's borrowed a car from us when he's wanted to move house or go away for a weekend somewhere poorly served by public transport.
When he went on holiday to the US he was able to rent a car too - the holiday they did would have been pretty much impossible without it!

My child didn’t want to learn to drive either. We start earlier here. I paid for lessons and we did practice sessions ourselves. We bought the car and we pay to run it.

I just made it clear that the mom taxi service would be ending and she would have a very unpleasant walk to school if she didn’t learn to drive.

I will still help out if she has someplace to go with an especially complicated drive to make. If it would make me nervous I don’t demand a newer driver handle it solo. Routine drives though, the taxi is out of commission. It’s wonderful.

But that’s what happens.. people start driving and they drive everywhere.

You know what, this is the most sensible response to adult DC and driving I've read on here!
#yesIdidreadthewholethread.

You dont have to get a car as soon as you pass your test but if you can drive you can do driving jobs and hire a car or van or do an emergency drive if needed. Quite
Honestly. Me and DiL are sick of driving him about. I've said I'm not doing it anymore.

It sounds like you are handing everything to them.on a plate. They don't want what you are offering- fine. They will have to find different jobs or make alternative arrangements. Mom's taxi has retired.

I think, and say what you want, I don't care, that adults in good health with no conditions who can't drive are quite selfish and a bit gormless. It's a quite necessary life skill in this day and age.

I have a 22yo who's refusing to learn, and I feel the same way. It's a vital life skill and without it choices are vastly reduced.

I do sympathise too though, and haven't put too much pressure on because he did have quite a few lessons before lockdown which are effectively wasted, and even now, if he did take more lessons who knows when he'd get a test date?

I don't drive him anywhere though. He walks, cycles or takes the train. He's taken himself off on holiday by train. In someways it's quite a nice lifestyle, but I still think he should learn, so he has the choice.

Why selfish and gormless? The many people I know who don’t drive are neither. They have sensibly chosen to live in cities with decent public transport and where car ownership is difficult and expensive and it’s just silly to drive. DH and I don’t have a car. We’d have no use for one.

I’m really surprised by 2 adults not wanting to drive. I couldn’t wait to drive, the freedom and being able to go wherever I pleased was so exciting. Depending on their career choices it could also be quite limiting, i consider it a life skill like being able to swim. I love driving and enjoy it. Absolutely stop with the lifts, it’s incredibly generous of you offering to fund their lessons and buy a car, it’s astounding to me they’ve turned you down. It would have been embarrassing being the one in a friendship group not driving. Times really have changed.

Surely every person who doesn’t drive is one less person clogging the roads and polluting the planet. Why is that seen as a bad thing?

Kum ba yah, my Lord, kum ba yah!
😆

I agree

I have to drive due to my disability but I don't look down on people who don't. On the contrary, I wish I could cut down on my car use

However, they just smirk at me and roll their eyes

Any child of mine who did this, wouldn't get any lifts.

Absolutely fine if they don't want to drive-it's then their problem how they get places.