Adult children refusing to learn to drive - can/should I do anything about it?

[IdontwanttobeDrivingMissDaisy]

Hi everyone. As above, my two children (early/mid twenties) cannot drive and I am feeling very down about it as I feel like I have failed to prepare them adequately for adult life. There are other things I worry about too but this is the most obvious one.

I have some sympathy with how this happened, given that everything stopped for the pandemic and has been hard to sort afterwards. But I have done everything to get them to learn by offering to pay lessons, buy a car, sorted a friendly local instructor so they can actually get a test sorted (near impossible around these parts as in many others).

However, they just smirk at me and roll their eyes any time I mention it. After the latest conversation (ok rant) with one of my children about this, it is clear that the only one feeling the consequences of this is me - hence being up at 6 a.m. to drive one of them to the station (they work away during the week and come home weekends). I am therefore thinking of saying I will no longer drive them anywhere e.g. no more taxi service on weekends for my daughter and withdrawing my offer to help my son move flats in a couple of months' time.

I realise this sounds childish of me but I think unless I do this they will never learn to drive as I am enabling them. They say they don't learn because it's a hassle and they don't need to - but if I no longer help them out they will hopefully realise this is not true.

Obviously my worry is that if I do this it might make it less likely they come hom and damage our relationship. Despite my obvious frustration with them, I of course love them to bits and don't want to fall our with them. They are lovely responsible members of society in other ways, just a little naive about the world and the need to stand on their own two feet within it IMHO.

Has anyone else had this issue with their kids? Or should I just butt out. Honestly, I am not a controlling parent despite how this may come across. I think that is obvious otherwise I would have forced the issue earlier! Any advice would be really helpful.

I’d stop the lifts. Although I would still help them move house as thats a different situation which can be very expensive.

Many young people aren’t interested in owning a car if they live sufficiently near reasonable public transport. Which is the modern environmentally friendly way to travel nowadays. Plus driverless taxi cars will allegedly come in over the next decade so they won’t need to drive?

I wouldn’t say youre stopping lifts as you have a hidden agenda as they’ll want to discuss it all. I’d just be offhand about it all, look kids youre adults now and im very proud of you and you don’t need mums taxi so as of next weekend Im retiring that service. Youre all happy with Ubers and public transport so youll be fine, and Im still up for helping with the house move, but I’m not up for 6am driving any more, it’s too early for me, so im giving you notice.

Driving isn't compulsory. In fact there are far too many cars driving around. I didn't learn to drive until I was 29 and managed perfectly well using public transport or walking.

Having said that, I lived, and continue to live, somewhere I can easily walk to most things I need. I learned to drive for work. Is that the case for your dc? Also, I wouldn't be driving anyone to the station at 6. They could walk or take a taxi, surely.

I didn't pass my test until I was in my early twenties (not for lack of trying though, heh), but I rarely, if ever, depended on my parents to ferry me around. Sometimes they might offer just to help me out, but I figured it out with buses, trains, walking, etc. I had to pass on a job more than once because it wasn't really accessible without a car- hey, that's life, it was my problem to solve.

You need to stop letting them assume you'll fill in that role of transport - they're old enough to take responsibility, whether with alternative transport or getting on and getting a license.

You sound like a loving a supportive parent- even if they rail at you at first, I'm sure in time they'll appreciate you had to take a stand.

They don't have to learn to drive, some people don't. However, that can't come with relying on other people who do drive instead. I would stop the 6am lifts straight away - if one has a job working away they should be able to afford a taxi or at least a bus?
I might still help with the moving as it's a one-off, but that's all.

I had some lessons & hated it, so I stopped.

And since having decided that I wasn’t going to learn to drive, I’ve spent all my adult life living in cities so that I can get everywhere I need to by public transport or if necessary, taxis. The first thing I do when going anywhere is download the local bus app.

My sister & her non-driver XH lived in a village - he used to get around by bike before marrying her but then expected lifts everywhere. It wasn’t the main reason they split up but it didn’t help.

That’s probably a conversation to have with your DCs. They ought to be getting practice at independent travel now.

YANBU op. Driving is an important life skill which will help them in their careers and once they become parents themselves.

It’s expensive to learn and not easy to do so nowadays, so you are being very, very generous to give them this opportunity. They obviously don’t appreciate the value of it, And it’s a perfect time to learn now when they are young without other commitments.

I would put a time limit on the offer of say, 12 months. And I would definitely stop all lifts. ATM they are not really suffering the consequences of not driving because you are facilitating transport for them.

And definitely go away to a hotel for a couple of Friday nights, just to rub the message home.

Don’t make a big song and dance about it. Just print out all local public transport timetables out and pin them on the fridge.

Why have you not already stopped giving them lifts to everything. They sound entitled and spoilt to me.

You’re getting up at 6 to drive them to the station for work, and when you suggest they take steps to get to a place where you won’t need to do this for them, they smirk and roll their eyes? I wouldn’t be giving lifts to people who treated me like that when I was doing them a favour.

I’d help with the flat move, because you’d probably help even if they drove. But nothing else.

Yes, stop ferrying them around. The rest is down to them.

This.
stop being taxi.

Do keep actively encouraging them. Not being able to drive does impact their job opportunities and reduce their social mobility.

I’d separate the 2 things.

if your DD did drive she wouldn’t be driving to a train station to work away for a week and return home (and given that’s what she’s doing I’m imagining she’s miles away?) - so would she be driving to her work and/or does she need a car there?

Helping someone move house again doesn’t need them to have a car or not for 1 day. Does he need a car for the rest of the time?

Where do they plan to live? Not every area (eg city centre) requires a car but if you live and they plan to live rurally a car is likely to be a necessity.

I have a car because ds is disabled. But it’s his mobility car.

I wouldn’t need one for just me. Aldi is 15 minutes walk, train station is opposite that and bus station is a further 5 minutes away and doubles up as a coach station. I work 25 minutes walk away.

i can drive but learning would be pointless for me if I wasn’t planning to have a car in my current set up.

This was me, I was 19 and never wanted to drive. We lived rurally and there was no public transport. My parents stopped giving me lifts, Untill I had lessons. I was driving within 4 months.

Give them time, I was 36 when I learned. If you live in a city it isn’t essential

Stop facilitating this nonsense. No more lifts or errands to make up for their lack of ability to drive.

The situation will resolve itself.

I’m in my 40’s and don’t drive. It’s ok not to drive. What isn’t ok is expecting you to put yourself out constantly to give lifts,

It is their choice not to drive, but it is not petty to not give lifts at that time in the morning. It would be petty if you were going in the direction at the same time to not allow them in the car but no way would I be going out of my way to drive them places.

My cousin who lives in London cannot drive and he is in his 50s. He doesn’t need to because it’s London. However my children took their driving tests when they were 18. I insisted they had lessons because I think it makes you more independent. I have been driving since I was 18 and I am now in my 60s. I see a lot of women my age relying on their husbands to take them shopping etc. I dread the day I can no longer drive but if I think I am too old to drive I will stop

They are adults as you said they are old enough to get themselves around, you don't have to be up to drop them anywhere they can get taxis to the station, I doubt you will though you probably couldn't possibly see "them stuck".

I don't drive i did take lessons and failed my tests which put me off, I managed fine but my dc took lessons at 17 .we made sure they could get around.

Same here OP DS is 42 and has had decades to learn to drive. His wife is disabled and they are moving to the country with hardly any public transport. Ive tried everything but have come to the conclusion there is nothing g I can do and he'll just have to find out what happens when you can't be bothered to do something.
I've been driving him about but I've withdrawn my help. He needs to sort himself out.

Well, that’s just stupid.

How does he expect to manage?

As well as the obvious that PP have mentioned, having a driving licence may open up a range of jobs not available to them without one. Do they realise this?

I do not think it’s necessary to learn to drive, but it depends greatly on where you live. Nor do I think it’s a life skill. My DDs learned in their mid-20s, but the vast majority of their friends can’t drive. I paid for lessons for my DDs, and as we live in London it was very expensive. Neither of them have a car, though, and nor do we.

I wouldn’t say I wouldn’t help with an irregular occurrence like a move, but I definitely wouldn’t be giving day to day lifts. If they don’t want to drive they can familiarise themselves with the local buses.