Adult children refusing to learn to drive - can/should I do anything about it?

[IdontwanttobeDrivingMissDaisy]

Hi everyone. As above, my two children (early/mid twenties) cannot drive and I am feeling very down about it as I feel like I have failed to prepare them adequately for adult life. There are other things I worry about too but this is the most obvious one.

I have some sympathy with how this happened, given that everything stopped for the pandemic and has been hard to sort afterwards. But I have done everything to get them to learn by offering to pay lessons, buy a car, sorted a friendly local instructor so they can actually get a test sorted (near impossible around these parts as in many others).

However, they just smirk at me and roll their eyes any time I mention it. After the latest conversation (ok rant) with one of my children about this, it is clear that the only one feeling the consequences of this is me - hence being up at 6 a.m. to drive one of them to the station (they work away during the week and come home weekends). I am therefore thinking of saying I will no longer drive them anywhere e.g. no more taxi service on weekends for my daughter and withdrawing my offer to help my son move flats in a couple of months' time.

I realise this sounds childish of me but I think unless I do this they will never learn to drive as I am enabling them. They say they don't learn because it's a hassle and they don't need to - but if I no longer help them out they will hopefully realise this is not true.

Obviously my worry is that if I do this it might make it less likely they come hom and damage our relationship. Despite my obvious frustration with them, I of course love them to bits and don't want to fall our with them. They are lovely responsible members of society in other ways, just a little naive about the world and the need to stand on their own two feet within it IMHO.

Has anyone else had this issue with their kids? Or should I just butt out. Honestly, I am not a controlling parent despite how this may come across. I think that is obvious otherwise I would have forced the issue earlier! Any advice would be really helpful.

@Snorlaxo

Waiting until you have to learn is not a good plan in this day and age where there’s a 6 month wait for a driving test.

Not to mention that driving instructors usually have waiting lists too to even start learning to drive, so that could mean a year between deciding to learn, finding an instructor, waiting for lessons to start, then waiting for a test date once the instructor gives you the go ahead to book the test!

That's effectively a year in limbo if you are looking for jobs, a promotion, etc., where having a driving licence is a requirement.

Even longer if your test date is cancelled at the last minute due to illness of your examiner and you're at the back of the queue again for trying to book a new test date!

I never learnt to drive as it scared me. Like really, really terrified me. I get a bit nervous as a passenger sometimes! Then ironically just as I was starting to come round to the idea of driving I was diagnosed with epilepsy so Im not allowed to now.

However, I have never relied on my parents (or anyone else). My parents wouldnt have driven me around even if I asked tbh.

I remember sitting in an abandoned bus station at 1130 at night after my boss kept us behind so I missed my bus and had to wait over an hour. That was scary (and sooo cold). It wasnt a one off but even if I had a way of calling my parents (pre mobile), they would have either told me to make my own way or made a huge deal of driving 20mins to pick me up and would still be reminding me of it now.

This sounds all round bizarre. For two young people to have no interest in obtaining their own freedom by being able to drive, when the funding for lessons AND a car is on a plate for them? And both of them having no interest? Very strange.

To not be bothered about the extra strain they are putting on you by having to take time out of your day to ferry them around? To have to rely on mummy to get you to and from work when you’re an adult? And to be so disdainful about it that they smirk at you??

Yeah, can’t get my head around this one. They can shove their lifts though. So ungrateful. They are the childish ones, they clearly don’t want to grow up.

It's because they don't drive that they don't realise what a burden they are!

My friend has 2 adult children who didn't learn to drive at 17/18..about the only time in life if you're still living at home you've got spare cash (if you've a job) and time to learn. Instead, maybe rightly so, but I don't think so, focus was on education. Well neither finished uni so that was a waste if time.
Roll forward, both in 30s, neither drive and mummy is still the one schlepping back and fore.
Honestly I'd encourage everyone to just get the licence by 18.

Absolutely it’s not compulsory. Each to their own but everyone I Know that doesn’t drive is always expecting lights and plans have to end up revolving round them and how they r getting there and how they r getting home. Maybe ppl around me are just lazy tho lol

I’d stop driving them anywhere that will give them a kick to want to drive, no more lifts

Totally agree, it’s an amazing life skill for Poole to have.

its given my adult children so many amazing opportunities in life regarding careers, summer internships, visiting new places and meeting new friends.

my dd is doing a summer internship with a huge Scottish company and has been able to visit many of their sites to gain valuable experience that will hopefully help when she starts looking for a new job next year after she graduates, if she couldn’t drive she would have missed so many amazing opportunities.

Just stop the lifts. This is what my Dad did with me when I opted out of learning to drive. Problem soon sorted.

They dont have to learn to drive, they just have to be independent, use public transport, get cabs, cycle or walk. Thats your options when you dont drive, shank's pony

On the matter of the helping with the move, you can help move things from the flat to the removal van, that they should book and pay for. Then you help at the other end. I wouldnt be using my car though for the move. When you're a grown up you sort your own house moves out.

How mean. I have moved my kids lots of times as adults.

Exactly!!! OP, this is simple. They’re adults and therefore old enough to understand how life works. If they prefer not to drive, then they use public transport or live near where they work and do leisure. There is no way I would be a regular taxi service for my adult DC. I occasionally drive DS25 home so he can have a drink with his mates. In turn, he will pick us up if we need him to. But regular ferrying around - no.

Mine won’t learn. Actually one would, but lives in London so I can see why he hasn’t prioritised it. He does plan to.

The other one says he doesn’t want to. He finishes work at stupid o clock or starts work early - and walks everywhere. It’s an hours walk to work which he happily does. And walks back at 2am. Or if he’s working too far away takes an uber, which is pretty much the same price as a bus. If he asks for a lift he’s really unwell. I think he’s asked once in the last 6 months. I’f I offer a lift he often refuses unless it’s pouring with rain - even then he sometimes walks.. I have told him how driving brings freedom and would make him more employable but he’s very stubborn. He has two jobs and has been working 60 hour weeks so probably doesn’t want to be more employable 😂 As he’s only really impacting himself I leave him to it. He’s sensible - twenty and saving for a house deposit etc, but sees no need to be able to drive.

I wouldn’t be getting up to drive him to catch a train every morning.

All that walking is really good for his health and for the environment!

I’m a driving instructor. My first thoughts are that people do need to want to drive, I always know the ones who are forced to come to me! The incentive to learn isn’t there, whereas my petrol head students whizz through the process.

Secondly, I do wonder if it’s fear that’s stopping them? People are terrified of that first lesson, but once they’re reassured by the first one do get a bit of enthusiasm. So maybe say just do one lesson, see how you get on. Make sure you pick a fairly pleasant instructor, the main fear is we are going to be awful to them.

As for those saying it’s unnecessary, you never know when you might need it. The process of learning can be quite long due to dire test availability, so if all a sudden you need to drive for a job for example it will be very difficult to get it done fast. You have to commit to being a non driver with all the restrictions and missed opportunities that involves if you aren’t going to do it.

Personally I’d rather lose a limb than the car, and both my kids can’t wait to drive. We love our cars though, I wonder if your dislike of yours is coming across to them? When I think of all the things we couldn’t do or beautiful places we couldn’t go to without the car it makes me very grateful to have that license. It’s not all about the tedious stuff. It’s about the last min decision to take the dogs to the beach etc. Our lives would be very boring without them.

Yep agree. And he votes Green so may be a reason. We live in a fairly rural area though - in a city but everywhere around is rural and all the interesting places are rural, so driving would bring some freedom.

He says he likes the walking time as well.

Personally I’d rather lose a limb than the car

Crikey. Would you be happier to sacrifice an arm or a leg? And wouldn’t that make it harder to drive?

After my struggles to learn to drive I really wanted my two to do so as part of their education. My DS learnt for a bit and gave it up and is now learning again. He's really good but of course now he's self funding.

My SDD learnt as soon as she could and passed first time because she stuck at it.

In your situation I would tell them that they don't need to learn to drive but you are no longer giving them lifts. Then it's up to them.

I was the same: I didn't learn until late 20s but also didn't rely on someone for daily lifts: I walked, cycled and used public transport.

I would help with the house move but I would give notice that Mum taxi ceases on X date if driving lessons have not commenced.

He,ping woth the move, I’d still do that. Daily rides to places I would stop. You’ve given them options and they don’t want to. You also get to not want to be their taxi

I think in the past I might have been a bit pushier with mine, my eldest has recently passed her test at 28 and the youngest who is 18 is going off to uni in Bristol in September so would far rather spend her money on something other than driving lessons tbh and I don’t blame her. I suppose the money she saves on the lessons will just go to Uber as and when she needs them.

I agree. The number of people I’ve worked with over the years that have missed days of work because their car has broken down or is in the garage and they ‘can’t get to work’ (and the public transport here is decent so there’s no excuse!).

I've never needed to drive. I do have my licence, but driving scares me shitless for some reason, I sweat buckets. I'm late 30s now, 2 kids with a man who doesn't drive. My kids and partner all have horrific travel sickness - cars, buses, boats and planes. They can last 5 minutes tops (meds work for dp but not the eldest kid, youngest is too young to try them). We use trains from time to time, but we manage life perfectly well in our smallish town with just our feet.

I know on here there's some weird idea about how not driving means you're not a capable adult. But we don't rely on anyone for help. We're 2 professional adults with a mortgage, childcare, and frequent hospital trips for our son. The money saved with no car means I get taxis occasionally when I need to, we get supermarket deliveries, and it all works out fine. Not everyone needs to drive, you just plan your life accordingly.

I know a couple in their sixties who have never had a car. Very professional jobs, two kids with great careers who also don’t own cars. I know several retired people who don’t own a car and manage perfectly well.

Also my BIL has never learned to drive. He’s mid fifties.